Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Bastard lovechild.

One of the more annoying things about my restaurant is that we're a training store for new managers. We didn't have any of the bastards there for about a year, which was great--they're always all about the tiny little rules and regulations that nobody else gives a shit about. Plus their presence brings in other corporate people to see how their training is going.

This batch of them has mostly been okay--with one glaring exception. One of them is an arrogant douchebag who thinks he's hot shit. Every time I work with him, it's just a non-stop litany of nit-picky stuff. Only instead of stating things as a rule, he has to make some asshole joke. "Hey, how big are those earrings? Yeah? That's funny, because I thought the employee handbook said earrings have to be under a half inch long."

The last time I worked with him, I was almost ready to just walk out because I was so sick of it:
"This food isn't going to run itself!" (I couldn't bite my tongue--"And these peoples' orders aren't going to take themselves either!") He said this while standing there doing nothing, of course.
"That better an important text, better be Obama or something." (to one of the cooks)
"Smile guys!" (FUCK YOU!)
"Let's make sure we're getting people the right food, we want them to have a good experience!" (No fucking way! Really?)
"Aren't glasses supposed to be full to the top with ice?" (Not if they asked for light ice, why don't you fuck off already?)
"Am I wrong here, isn't there a charge for a side of guacamole?" (No, not in this case. Again, fuck off.)

And on and on and on. My favorite, though, was when he picked up an ice cube off the floor and yelled, "Every ice cube counts, guys!"

That's when I decided he must be the bastard lovechild of Chicken Little and Lapdog.

ETA: SkippyMom's comment reminded me that after he said that, I started throwing ice everywhere when his back was turned. Floors, counters, in the cooks' window, etc. Muahahaha!


Anonymous said...

all it takes is one true asshat to jerk you out of writer's block. Bravo!

yellowcat said...

I am so glad I don't work for a corporation. "Every ice cube counts" would be a comment sure to involve police intervention.

I'm passive aggressive. I'd be licking his glass/plate/silverware or dribbling sanitizer water in his drink until he crapped his pants. There would be no end to the silent trauma I would cause him. Again, police intervention.

SkippyMom said...

"Every ice cube counts"

No, douche, only the ice cubes we threw down for you to SLIP ON. Stop picking them up.

jeesh - and that is PA in the worst way.

Anonymous said...


You make me laugh out loud and really appreciate my servers when we go out to eat. I think about your stories every time!

I have 4 kids that all know how to behave and are very polite (because if they were not; it would be the last time they went out). Since I know what a pain it is to serve 6 people, we never leave less than a 20% tip and sometimes we leave more (for great service). I guess we're pretty lucky, we haven't had a "bad" server in some time.

I could not do what you do and remain sane. Keep up the good work and keep blogging.

David said...

I think the difference between a good manager and a bad manager is that the good ones realize that servers cannot be managed, but they can be lead. Trying to manage servers is like trying to herd cats. Good managers pick their battles and you get in the trenches to inspire others to follow them. Managers like this alienate their staff, drive down morale, spawn more complaints, and inevitably are terminated or run off. This is usually at the hands of a staff of servers all too happy to bury a knife in their back at the first opportunity.

nativenapkin said...

The ice cube comment goes straight to the top of the list of The Absolute Dumbest Shit To Come Out Of Anyone's Mouth, Anywhere. Someone will end up burying him in a shallow grave somewhere if he continues that nonsense.

JumpIt said...

He must be related to my TonsOfFun manager. She was exactly like that while training at my store, down to the ridiculous attempts at joking instead of stating rules.

Makes me wish I had a STFU option. They suck.

purplegirl said...

Anonymous #1 -- every time I look at your comment, for a second I think it says "jerk you off". There's something wrong with me, isn't there?

Yellowcat, you are evil and I love it.

SkippyMom, I'm so glad you left that comment because I had forgotten about purposely throwing ice everywhere to annoy him! :)

Anonymous #2, thanks for thinking of me. :) I started this just to blow off steam, but it's always nice to hear stories of good customers! You sound like you and your family would be a joy to wait on.

David, you're absolutely right. He can't be run off fast enough for me!

NativeNapkin, I think that should be a facebook page. "The Absolute Dumbest Shit To Come Out Of Anyone's Mouth, Anywhere" would get many entries!

JumpIt, the next time he opens his mouth I might exercise that STFU option. I don't think they can fire me since he's not a real manager, right? (hoping)