No, I do not agree, and fuck you very much.

I can't even imagine the hate comments I'm going to get over this post, because somebody is bound to see it as me criticizing America or disrespecting troops or something else that I am clearly not doing. Whatever. I feel better anyway!

One of my family members posted this on Facebook:

I'll be honest, it hurt my feelings. I'm still pretty upset at the relative who posted it, and the one who "liked" it. I thought about posting a long rant on Facebook in response, but let's be honest - nobody would read it. And maybe nobody will read it here, but I'm going to go ahead anyway.


Dear Meme Creator,

I really hate this graphic you've made.  It's sarcastic, it's rude, it's denigrating, it's belittling. It's completely hateful, and I'd truly like to know why.

What did anyone in a "minimum skills" job ever do to you? There's such vitriol here, it's so scathing and nasty that it feels personal, and I don't understand. Did an entire McDonald's staff line up to give you wedgies? Did all the hot waiters reject you? Did the cute girl at The Gap (Gap is still a thing, right?) laugh at your hair? Seriously, what did an entire huge group of people do to deserve such scorn?

Why do you assume that I have only "minimum skills" because of my job? You don't know me. You don't know what I'm good at or bad at - you only know how I chose to make my money. I'm a hell of a writer when I put my mind to it, but I don't want to make a career out of it. I'm mere credits away from a history degree, but again, it's a passion, not something I want to make a career. Mistress J used to be a phlebotomist. Lap Dog cooked for a world-famous chef. One of our best servers was a former sheriff's deputy. We all have talents - you not seeing them does not negate them.

And even if someone does have only basic skills - why should that person suffer and be poor? Someone has to bring you iced tea, flip your burgers, give you change at the gas station, restock shelves, take your bank deposits, and do a myriad of other things that keep the world running. Why do you feel those people aren't entitled to a comfortable life? So "Sally McBurgerFlipper" didn't finish high school or "Baconator" didn't have a talent for sports or "Slightly Cranky Waitress" never found a career she could sink her teeth in to. Should we starve to death? Then who will make your venti no foam skim sugar free vegan iced latte?

And the crux of this post .... Why use the military to drive home these points? My grandfather struggled to provide for his family of seven on a military salary - did you see something like that too, and did it embitter you toward the military? I could understand that. However ... nowhere in this graphic did you suggest that military members be paid more. Nowhere did you say it's a travesty that they risk their lives and sacrifice for such low pay. Nowhere did you incite people to push for military raises. Instead, you used the idea of military members' sacrifices as a cheap ploy to vent your views about us "lesser" humans.

And you know what? In doing so, you didn't even do your homework. You see, military pay rates are available online for the world to see. I checked, because once I suppressed my personal feelings about your statements, I was horrified at the idea that I, a mere waitress as a low-end restaurant, might be making more than someone who serves the in the U.S. Military. That really would be a travesty.

And initially, I thought you were right. If you look at the 2014 base pay rates, an Army E1 did indeed make $18k a year. An E5 with 8 years did make $35k. I couldn't believe what I was reading. And then I looked at it again and remembered something that you either didn't know or chose to ignore, so let me educate you: military base pay differs from a civilian's gross pay. All our living expenses come out of our gross pay - but military members get BAH and BAS. Those are allowances for housing and food. Said allowances are tax free. So, let's run some numbers.

Let's pretend that there's a hypothetical world where the national minimum wage was $15/hour. "Johnny Burger Flipper" would indeed make $31,200 a year. Using 2015 tax brackets, that means Johnny would, after taxes, take home $26,982 a year or $2,248 a month.

Now let's look at an enlisted E1's pay - and we'll assume that in this hypothetical world, economics aren't insanely complicated and so a minimum wage increase would have no impact on anybody else's wages.

So, that in mind .... There's the $18,278 in base pay, which is taxed, and so take home pay on that is $15,998 a year or $1333 a month.
Then there's BAS, which is $323.87 a month, tax free, so that's $1656.87 a month.
BAH is more complicated, because it's based on location and dependents. Let's use Mississippi, because it's the poorest state according to Google. No dependents. There's a military base in Biloxi, so we'll use a zip code from there to calculate a rate. That gives $897 a month (tax free), so total monthly pay is $2553.87.
That means this hypothetical E1's yearly, after-tax pay is $30,646.

An E1 is basic, entry-level ... the Army equivalent of "minimum skills." So the gap between unskilled "Johnny" and unskilled E1 is $3664 after taxes. Not huge. But "Johnny" in this scenario is unlikely to get a raise the following year, or if he did it would probably be a quarter or less ($34 a month). 2014's E1 becomes an E2 in 2015 and gets a pay bump of 172.55 a month after taxes.

(For the sake of completeness: using the same references, the E5 mentioned in the meme would have a take home pay of $44,861 yearly or $3738 a month.)

The point of me running all these numbers is NOT that I think military members are adequately paid for their time and sacrifice. 

The point is that a) I'm a big nerd and I enjoy this sort of thing, so it was actually kind of fun for me and b) your entire scathing, nasty meme is shored up by incomplete, and thus misleading, information.

Your attempt to use military pay rates to justify keeping other workers in dire economic straights is pathetic and insulting, because you're using the military and American pride as an emotional string - when your language makes it clear that you don't think military should be paid more. You just that "minimum skilled" people should be paid less. And guess what? They are. Drastically so. Even in hypothetical $15-an-hour-minimum-wage land, they would be paid less! So ... that pretty much takes the wind out of the sails of your argument, doesn't it?

Maybe, instead of spreading "info"graphics on the Internet to work out your rage and disgust with those of us are clearly so far below you .... you should think about what it is in you that makes you look down on the lower class, the working class, who are just trying to survive.
Maybe you should examine your attitude, and figure out why you think someone else deserves to live in constant economic stress and fear just because they're doing a job you think you're too good for.
Maybe you should analyze your life and your own achievements, before branding other people as failures because of how they pay their bills.

Signed,
A Self-Sufficient, Hard-Working "Failure"

Release the hounds!

Last night was a pretty typical pizza delivery night except my very last delivery. I knocked on the door and heard several dogs barking on the other side, and then someone's footsteps. I expected the usual muffled yells of "get back, get back!" and to be standing around waiting for someone to get their hounds under control.

Times three. Sniffing ferociously and whomping me with their tails.

Instead, the door was flung open as a woman yelled, "Get 'im!" and three fucking enormous German Shepherds came bounding out and began enthusiastically sniffing me.

Now, I'm not afraid of dogs, especially not big ones - I grew up with Rottweilers. Being jostled off my feet by three noses on legs normally wouldn't phase me as all. But as one of her dogs stuck his nose in my crotch, I found myself staring speechlessly at this woman, wondering what the fuck just happened? Did she really just sic her dogs on me, sort of?

To her credit, she stared at me just as speechlessly for several seconds and then began apologizing over and over. "I thought it was one of his friends!" she said, pointing at her son. "I'm so sorry! I didn't expect it to be you at all!"

Maybe look through the peephole next time.

How to get things out of customer service agents.

I've written before about tips for the general public on how to treat servers, but I think it's time for that kind of post regarding call centers! Because just as it was obvious that half the population has no idea how to behave in a public restaurant, it's obvious that 80% or more lose any sense of politeness when they're on the phone.

Let's start with some basics. What is a customer service representative's job? It's to make the customer as happy as we can within the guidelines the company will allow. Pretty simple and straight-forward. Our job, really, is not to make the company money. That's the sales department's job! Oh, we might be required to suggest extra services to you, but for the most part, we are not a source of income for the company.

But it seems like what a lot of people think is that customer service reps are there to make their lives difficult. They think we're there to say no, we're there to trick them or get something for company out of them. We're there to make them unhappy. Those people call in and are combative and unpleasant right out of the bag. Others are just a little snotty or rude.

Here's the big bad secret: I bet if you polled CSRs, 99.9% would say they don't give a flea fiddling flying rat's fucking ass about the company. Oh, maybe in a vague way. Like, "I want the company to make money so that I get better raises." That's kind of it, though.

If it were up to me, I'd give everybody everything they asked for because I'm a nice person. Oh, shut up and stop laughing. But instead, I have to abide by the company's rules, or I'm out of a job. That's pretty much how any customer service job works, really. I'm at the mercy of the company if I want to keep my job, and at the mercy of the customer if I want to get my bonus/tips/whatever. That's the life of anybody in customer service. It's not worth losing my source of income because some random person wants an extra discount on something.

That said, anybody who works for a company long enough figures out how to work the system to get people things at better rates. So how do you get people to give you these things? How do you get someone to apply their sneaky-yet-legal skills to benefit you?

Shockingly, sarcasm doesn't work. If I offer something and you snort and say "oh well that's just great. is that all?" then hell yes, that's fucking all. Also amazing, threats are not the way. You can threaten me over the phone from six states away all you want. I've got your address on my computer screen in front of you. You have mine? Didn't think so. Yeah, sure, bitch to my supervisor, I'm sure he'll just absolutely come down on me since he's been listening to this whole thing. And don't fucking lie. Don't tell me the last agent hung up on you (does not happen as often as you think), your service goes out for the half the day every day but you just "never bothered" in two years to call, or that you were promised our most expensive package for $20. And don't pull out the "I'm a loyal customer" crap. A real loyal customer wouldn't call every year like clockwork asking for an extra discount. A real loyal customer values the service they get. And a real loyal customer has been a customer for more than six months.

So if you shouldn't be sarcastic, threaten, or lie, what does that leave? I know, I know, it's a craaaaaaazy idea ... but how about acting like a human being? Say hello, and answer my questions without heaving a sigh that could knock all the leaves off a tree. When you're offered something, say thank you. I promise it won't burn your tongue. If you want more (because who the hell doesn't), say "that's so great, thank you! I'd appreciate anything else you can do to help lower my bill." Treat it like a conversation, not a confrontation. If you do, I might remove your full-price HBO and give it to you free for a while. I might offer you the free equipment upgrade instead of the one that costs. I might tell you a secret that'll save you money permanently. I might even bend the rules to within an inch of breaking, if I like you. Because anybody not in business for themselves enjoys helping a customer stick it to The Man sometimes, even if it's just a little bit.

Will it always work? Hell no. There are customer service agents out there who don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. But here's the trick: start out nice, until you see who you're dealing with. If you start out being nasty, you really can't gain back that ground. You've already made me not like you. So be nice, and then if you don't get what you want, and it seems like the person just doesn't care? Then push a little, sure. But if the voice on the other end of the phone sounds sincere, if they're looking for options and treating you with respect, then return the goddamn  favor, you asshat.

I'm really not always a bitch.

I realize that I am very negative sometimes, and you all might already have the impression that there's nothing about my new job that I like. You might think that I still hate people ... and you're right. But not always, and not all of them. Some of them I even like and want to give special treatment to.

Problem is, in the restaurant, it was easier to give stuff to the people I really liked. I knew the tricks, I knew how to weasel discounts and free food or drinks for people who were actually nice to me. At the call center, it's a lot harder, because someone can always be listening and they keep a record of all discounts given. I'm really not allowed to give somebody something free just because they were nice .... although sometimes I do.

I had a woman yesterday who just wanted to do something simple, correct a simple mistake in her installation -- so something that was our fault to begin with. Unfortunately, it was something simple I wasn't authorized to do, and Frat Boy had fucking run off. I ran around to different supervisors trying to find someone to set up this incredibly simple thing, and by the time I found someone, and got it set up, the woman had been on hold for ten minutes and the total call time had been almost half an hour. And she was so sweet about it, kept saying not to worry -- even though I could hear her kid hollering in the background and this was taking up way more time than it should have. I gave her several free movie certificates, just for being nice. If someone was listening, they'll probably scold me for giving things away to someone who wasn't upset, but freaking hell, the woman had the patience of a saint.

Another guy called in this week wanting to restart his service, which required paying a month ahead of time (one of those pay-as-you-go customers). When I told him the amount, he said he had exactly one hundred dollars and said all he wanted was a certain set of channels, and asked if there was any way to make that happen. So I made the changes .... and it was $101.50. Removing a dollar isn't a big deal, but I know a lot of my coworkers would've basically told him he was out of luck.

Then there was the lady last week who called in to lower her bill because her fiance had been hit by a truck and killed. I nearly started crying because I could tell she was barely holding it together. And yeah, people lie and maybe she was faking, but I don't think so. She had just recently added insurance, which normally has a cancellation fee, but I removed it and waived the shit out of that. Then I gave her half-price on a bunch of stuff and tossed in another ten bucks a month off her bill for six months. I felt good about myself because I managed to save her a whole bunch of money without actually affecting her service.

We have service plan that includes six different channel groups. Every couple of days, I'll get a call from someone who I noticed has five of six. I fucking love it when I see that -- because the price for 5/6 is the same as the price for 6/6! So then I get to give them something absolutely free, not a limited time offer but actually just free, and that always makes people happy.

Tonight someone called in wanting to get four more televisions in her home. I found a way to get her better equipment than she'd actually asked for, plus an upgrade on something she already had, totally free, no installation fees, no selling her soul for four years, nothing sneaky at all about it -- and totally in line with the guidelines. Her bill was going to go up by a pretty substantial amount for the extra televisions, but that was going to happen whether I got her the better equipment or not. But she didn't bitch about it at all -- in fact, when I told her the amount it would cost her to get programming on eight different televisions, her response was "that's pretty good!" I liked her so much I gave her half off one of her services for a few months. If QA was listening they'll scold me for offering it when she was already happy, but I was having a really fucking shitty day and she was so damn nice I wanted to do anything I could for her.

And it's not that I'm looking for praise or anything, because this is something of a morality tale. The common thread to these stories is simple: they were nice to me so I was nice to them. When I asked for account verification, they gave it to me. When something wasn't quite what they wanted, they didn't scream at me. When I asked questions, they answered without sounding like I wanted their left kidney. They said please and thank you. And to me, in these shitty times, that deserves a reward.

Advice to customers: Don't be a nasty fucker.

Look, we're all human. We all belch and fart and use the restroom. We all sweat and sneeze and grow weird hairs and lumps and stuff. That's fine.

But if you need to blow your nose, go to the bathroom. And if for whatever reason you can't or don't want to, at least think of your server when determining what to do with that tattered snotrag. Don't just leave the slimy thing on the table--and don't throw it under the table, either. Would you do that at a friend's house? No? Then why is it okay in a restaurant? At least jam your tissue in your cup before you leave so your server doesn't have to touch it!

If you have a bunch of random crap in your purse to throw out, do it at home. Your table is not a landfill. Got one spare receipt? Sure, leave it on the table. No big deal. But we do not need your sucked on cough drops, your chewed on pen caps, your unused-but-unwrapped tampons or your empty Skoal can. Seriously people, just use your trash can at home.

And the issue that sparked this post: we are not a fucking nail salon. I have no desire to clean up your clipped-off nails. Don't leave your cheap plastic French tips all over the seat of your booth. Do you have any idea what sort of germs live under your nails? Gross.

Advice to customers: This is a restaurant, not a strip club.

It amazes me the way that people will sexually harass their servers sometimes. I'm not talking about occasional flirting--I'm talking about outright hitting on them, or just being crude.

When I was about twenty and waiting tables at a family restaurant, I had a table in the bar one night. Nothing unusual about that. The table next to them was my dad and a bunch of his friends, and I was glad they were there a few minutes after greeting my new table. A big, burly, bushy-bearded man about my dad's age put his arm around me and held me against his chair and proceeded to ask me to come to his house after work to "watch a movie". I said no, and he kept pushing. He wouldn't let go until I pointed out my dad was sitting four feet away. Even then he said, "I'm not doing anything wrong!" but he didn't finally let go.

More recently, I had a party of about eight on our patio. It was one of the guys' birthday, and they asked me if we sing for birthdays. I laughed and told them, "Only if you sing with me, I only do solos in the shower."

The birthday creep spent the rest of the meal telling me how I'd given him quite a picture, and how he just kept thinking about me in the shower. When I brought his cheesecake for dessert he really went in to overdrive, saying things like now I was really torturing him, blah blah blah. Made my skin crawl. And nobody at the table even tried to shut him up--even though he was harassing me in front of two children, who heard every word.

My point is this: Your server is there to bring your food. He or she is not there for your sexual gratification; restaurants are not meat markets. If you want to pick up chicks, go to a bar. If you want to oogle and harass women who feel they can't turn you down for fear of losing their jobs .... well, then you're a douchebag, but at least go to a strip club where the women can summon the bouncers to toss you out on your scumbag ass.

Fellow servers, feel free to share your stories.

Advice to customers: Get the hell out of the way.

One of my last tables tonight was four people who seemed nice and friendly enough--even though they wouldn't shut up for me to take their order. One of the guys had his legs stretched out into the aisle for everybody to trip over. When I brought their drinks, he had shifted so he was facing mostly forward, but still had his legs stretched out as far as he could get them. That meant, of course, that I had to stand farther from the table and stretch to set down their drinks.

Legman had ordered a drink that comes with a martini glass and the metal shaker. I set the martini glass down and reached back up on to the tray for the shaker so I could pour his first glass. While I was pouring it, he went and set his menu down--across the silverware and taking up as much spare as it could. There was nowhere at the edge of the table for me to set down the metal shaker, so I tried to very carefully stretch over his legs, and the first foot of occupied table, to set down the shaker--while still holding three drinks on a tray on my other hand.

Yeah. Didn't work. None of the four people tried to take the shaker I was obviously struggling with, and when I set it down it was uneven ... and thus the table became a lake of pomegranate booze. And when I tried to catch it, the drinks on the trays started wobble, and one totally fell over.

Legman's jeans got splattered in raspberry tea, but nobody else got splashed, luckily. Of course all the drinks had to be replaced, the menus that were doused in drink had to be thrown away, and basically it was a huge freaking mess. And it wouldn't have happened if my table hadn't been oblivious to how difficult they were making my job.

Luckily for me, they were cool people--I got my best tip of the night from them, actually. But too many times I've had similar situations where people got all offended. It's similar to when I'm walking by tables and somebody gestures widely and knocks food out of my hands. People just need to be a little more aware of their surroundings.

In regards to ....

In the homecoming post, Suzanne posted the following comment:

Okay, I'm going to go completely out on a limb here, and being anonymous, I gonna really not hold back. What the heck, call me a coward, I'll get over it.
To give you an idea of how often I eat out, here are some facts. I have never gone out for dinner with my parents in my life. I have been married 17 years to my hubby, and having 4 kids has seriously affected our finances, in that we go out for fast food maybe once every couple of months, and for a 'nicer' meal, like Swiss Chalet, once or twice a year.
I have to tell you that my jaw is dropping when I read your and other blogs like this. I thought you all were paid minimum wage, which as far as I know here in Canada is getting close to a very respectable $10per hour. I know that the polite thing is to tip, and we do, generally not more than 15 %, but here's my point. I thought that getting a tip was exactly what the word sounds like, an extra little something something for a job well done. From what I read here, it is tantamount to giving your waitress the finger, if you don't tip at least that regardless of service or quality of food. We work hard for our money, AS DO YOU, but is it really the case that when you don't tip (enough) you are really the lowest scum out there?
Suzanne

I wanted to address this fully, hence the post. First, being anonymous doesn't make you a coward--that only applies to the asshat who likes to anonymously troll my blog every few weeks! Nothing wrong with it otherwise.

I did a quick search, and it seems that servers in Canada do get minimum wage. In that case, a tip is absolutely an extra. If I got minimum wage for my job, I wouldn't bitch nearly as much as I do! Of course, if I got minimum wage I'd find some other minimum wage job instead--serving is worth it because of the potential to make more, and also because you get the cash in hand, now, and taxes are taken out of the wage you do get.

In my state, that's $4 an hour. It used to be $2.13; it still is in most states. I went years without getting a physical paycheck that was for more than $2 total. I think California is the only state where servers receive a true minimum wage. Everywhere else, servers get the shaft, and tips really do make up the vast bulk of our income. It's a sort of social contract; customers get lower food costs in exchange for the inconvenience of tipping. If that were eliminated, the price of menu items would go up. I wrote a blog post about it last year, but it's pretty long so I'll just summarize it.

At my particular restaurant, increasing server wage to minimum would cost the restaurant an extra $300 per day, a 42% increase. There are two ways to compensate for that: cut portion sizes, or raise prices. Either way is less hard goods for your dollar amount, and most likely the cost would just be tacked on to menu prices (as it was when the increase to $4 happened). If server wage were increased to minimum wage, a four person tab of $77 now would become $109--whereas with a 15% tip it's only $88.50.

Essentially, with the current system in the U.S., customers are paying for the foodstuffs, the cook's labor, and the operating costs such as electricity. When they don't tip, they're getting service labor for free--it's not included in the base cost of their food, after all. Furthermore, servers get taxed on the imaginary percentage they "should" be getting. A lot of people think that servers either get a fuckton of tips they don't claim on a good day, or on a bad day that they'll just claim what they get and that's that.

(This is about to get long, but I'm trying to be thorough.)

While I'm sure there are a few places that still happens, they're very few. Owners and managers of private restaurants have to make certain that their staff is claiming a certain percentage of the restaurant's total sales (I think it's 8%?) or risk getting audited. That may not sound like much, but if you factor in a bar, to go service, the regular dining area, and at some places banquet halls where. Bartenders may or may not get tips depending on the situation; to-go servers may or may not; banquet halls may have a self-service line and not have to pay a gratuity. There are a lot of sales with often only the dining area workers getting tips they have to claim. So even if the restaurant doesn't have a computer system that regulates what servers claim, the people in charge will monitor it.

If they have a computer system, as corporate restaurants do, it's even worse. Say I have $500 in sales. If it was all in cash, the system is going to require me to claim at least $50 in tips. If I got less, I can have a manager approve it--but again, they have to watch the overall percentage. I couldn't get away with consistently claiming less as it would trigger alarms in the computer system and I'd be questioned. So sometimes, because of that, I have to claim more than I made.

If that $500 was all on credit cards, it's even worse. At the end of the night, I go through each credit slip and enter the tip into the computer before running my checkout. When I clock out, the computer again wants me to claim 10% of that $500 even if every sale was on a credit card and the system knows I only have $40. Again, I can get the manager swipe, and it's less of an audit danger there as there's documentation .... but for a lot of reasons, sometimes I won't get that manager approval. Maybe I'm in a hurry and the GM is on the phone with her sister and ignoring her job or Lapdog is pissed off and not answering when he's spoken to.

The worst case scenario, though, is when every last sale is a credit card, and every last tip is on a credit card. If I get all my tips on credit cards, and they add up to $86, there is no way to claim less--even if I had to tip out $20. Or maybe I got $80 in credit cards and $6 in cash, then had to tip out $20--I still have to claim at least the $80. And then whoever I give those tips to has to claim them, and so the goverment basically gets to tax that cash twice.

Imagine this situation. I have three or four tables or two, and maybe I make $20 off of them in credit card tips. Then a table of twenty comes in an takes up my entire section for the rest of the evening. Their bill comes to $250, and despite them having a great experience, the old granny who pays doesn't leave a tip--and our system doesn't even have auto-gratuity capability.

My checkout slip reads $350 in sales, and when I check out I have to claim the $20 in credit tips. The manager saw me throwing things and/or crying in the kitchen, so he knows I got stiffed by the big party and swipes his card so I don't have to claim the extra $25 (minimum) I should have gotten from them. However, I still have to tip the bartender who made me twenty drinks during the course of the evening, and sometimes I have to tip a bus kid or two, too. So I get taxed on $20, and I only take home maybe $14 for six hours of work, plus I'm pissed off, plus the bartender and bus kids are pissed too because they got shorted.

Yes, it's an extreme example, but this has happened to me. In that case, those twenty people got my time, effort, and service for free, and they cost me money. Because I have to pay taxes on that $6 I had to claim, but also had to tip out. The same thing applies if it's a table of two who don't leave me 10% of a $20 bill. Is it a lot of money? No, but it adds up, and I don't go to work to pay to serve people their goddamn fried chicken! And certainly there are days when I make well above the 10% the computer requires me to pay ... but if the extra is on credit cards, I'm still claiming it. And if I don't, it's really only compensating for times when I lost out because of situations like the above.

So are people who don't tip the lowest scum on the face of the earth? No. They rank about pedophiles, rapists, and murders. But they are low-grade thieves, I think. And if your server provides good service, and if you're in a place with the social contract regarding tipping and low food cost, then not tipping at all is a huge finger to your server.

As far as not tipping "enough" ... well, that's subjective. If I get 10% off a couple of people who were low maintenance and polite, then I'm not thrilled but I'm not pissed. If somebody runs me like I'm doing a goddamn Jane Fonda workout video and then leaves me ten percent or less? I start having thoughts of stabbing.

On the other hand, if I screw up majorly, like I did with the steak guys, I expect nothing. If I'm mediocre and I know it (clap your hands), I don't get cranky about a mediocre tip. But if you're nice to my face and telling me what a great job I did, and if everything was perfect with your meal, and you tip my 5%? I'm going to remember you, and not fondly.

Similarly, if something is wrong with your food that is completely out of my control--say, a steak with a large vein of gristle through the center--and I fix it promptly and with an apology, and then you stiff me or short me? You will be remembered. Especially if because of that "error" you got your food for free! Now you've cost the restaurant money, you've gotten free food and labor, and you've cost your server some money too. Unless the server caused the error or was a bitch about it, there is no earthly reason to punish them! Why should I pay taxes on money I didn't get because a cow in Wisconsin grew connective tissue in an inopportune place?

Also, please keep in mind that blogs like this naturally highlight the best and the worst--there's a hell of a lot of in-between. Probably 50% of my customers don't tip me "enough" since the economy went tits-up, but unless it's under 10% or they were jerks, I'm probably not going to mention it here other than as part of an overview.

This may be a lot more info than you were looking for, especially since you're in a place where servers do get that minimum wage; but I'm wordy.

Advice to customers: Tired old jokes.

Interacting with the public every day means servers are exposed to an endless array of people telling the same tired jokes. I can't even bring myself to fake a laugh at them anymore most of the time.

For example, there are a lot of answers to "Can I bring you anything else?" that aren't funny:
"A million dollars!"
"A winning lottery ticket."
"Some fifties and hundreds."
"A hot blonde/rich doctor/cabana boy/a different spouse/better behaved children/any other human being."

Likewise, it's not amusing when we offer you an appetizer/drink and you say "If it's free!" If it's 7:30 and I tell you happy hour ended at 6, it's not cute to say "Oh, well it's not six yet right! (wink wink)" That's not going to get you anything cheaper.

When we deliver the ticket, you really just look like an asshole when you say things like, "Oh, we don't want that!" You also sound like an insensitive bitch when you joke about "Don't mess up his order, he's tipping you!"

If you order the double-caramel-chocolate-fudge-almond-flourless-death-by-sugar cake with extra ice cream, don't ask me to "remove the calories" for you. You just sound like an insecure idiot.

And then there are the people who just don't give up on trying to make you laugh at their stupid jokes. Yesterday, I had a table of four regulars. Every time they come in, one of the old men orders a "diet water". I just smiled and said okay and got everyone else's drink orders. Apparently his wife wasn't happy with that, because she had to comment on, "She didn't even blink! Ha ha ha!" Well of course I didn't, he's ordered "diet water" from me once a month for the last year.

When I came back with the waters, he smiled at me and asked if it was diet. Grr. I said I sucked all the calories out personally, and his wife once again said something stupid. Then, when she ordered, she purposely mispronouned "tilapia" as "tie-lap-aye-uh"--and then commented on "nothing gets to you!" with a big laugh. Ha. Hahahaha. HA.

People also like to joke about the authenticity of their money--because counterfeiting and credit card fraud are hilarious:

"Oh good, it went through. I just picked that card up in the parking lot!"
"I printed that $20 this afternoon! Looks real, right?"
"Don't take that card, it's not his. Ha ha ha."

The one exception? Yesterday, I had a table full of state troopers. One gave me three shiny dollar coins as a tip, and when I commented on how cool they looked he said, "We just printed them!" His buddy says, "You print money, we minted those." That shit was funny.


Now, every server I know enjoys some clever repartee with their customers. But if your quip involves your server delivering the impossible, you getting something free, or joking about if you're paying with real money/going to tip, I can almost guarantee it is not clever.

Fellow servers, what are some of the other thoroughly eye-stabbingly "amusing" lines you hear every day?

Advice to customers: Speak up! (sometimes)

If you go to a casual dining restaurant late in the evening, when you're one of only three tables there, and your appetizer hasn't shown up after ten minutes, speak the fuck up.

Now, I do mean after ten real minutes, not five "I'll exaggerate and be a bitch" minutes. This is especially important if you've decided to bark your order at a drink runner with no notepad, rather than wait thirty more seconds for your freaking waitress.

Here's the story:

Tonight, I have to admit that Brainless really helped me out. I had a table of twenty damn teenagers on the patio--six meals and five drinks between them, but at least they were amusing. I was sat another table at 12 as I was headed out to the patio with their six split tickets. I stopped and got the new table's drink order and then went back to the kitchen with some of the kids' cash. As I was counting it out, the hostess came back with the rest of their tickets--they were all in a hurry. Since I knew it would take a minute to sort it out, I asked the hostess, Jen, to run my new table's drinks to them.

I then took the various change up front to the waiting teenagers, and was about to go take the table 12's order when Jen came up and handed me a notepad with their order on it. As she was setting down their drinks, they'd started snapping their order at her. She hadn't written down their steak temperatures, so I stopped by to get those. They acted a little odd and short with me, but they'd seemed grumpy since they came in so I didn't think anything about it.

I got a couple of other tables, and just kept circulating around. I made eye contact with both people at table 12 several times as I walked by, smiled, etc. They didn't say anything to me, just kept talking to each other. A few minutes later, I had just dropped off an appetizer at one of my other tables when I saw Brainless at table 12, and I could tell that the woman was throwing a fit. All I caught was something about "we never would have". Oh Christ.

Turns out, they'd ordered an appetizer. After Brainless talked to them, Jen came rushing over to find out what was wrong, and that's when I found out that she had written down their order after they gave it to her--I thought she'd gotten a pad and gone back, since it was written down. Well, she'd forgotten the appetizer, so it never got ordered; also apparently they'd been waiting for a refill for their soda for entirely too long (possible; I was busy with five tables on three different sides of the restaurant. The people were wicked pissed. Apparently they said several very nasty things about me to Brainless, and from the hideous look on the woman's face that didn't surprise me. I got the manager, who chatted with them; but I didn't want to deal with them the rest of the meal, so I asked Brainless if she'd finish them since they apparently liked her.

She took them, and they left her $10, so that worked out great. The entire time, though, they kept glaring at me. The entire time I was taking care of my other tables, they glared. To the point of shifting in their booth to lean against the wall and glare at me. The one time I did walk directly by their table, they averted their eyes like pansies.

Now, obviously there were several screw-ups here. Jen should have gotten a notepad or told them to wait for me; I should have reviewed the whole order with the customers. But Jen's also a server, so I trusted her. Obviously the fact that their appetizer got forgotten is not the customers' fault, but they could have said something instead of waiting until they got their food and then blowing their freaking top. Had they just politely asked me how long on their mozzarella sticks, I could have corrected the problem and apologized and averted a whole uncomfortable situation for everyone.

So the moral of the story is this: one, don't insist on giving your order to someone who's not your server! Two, if something is honestly taking a long time, politely ask--the worst that can happen is we tell you the kitchen is busy and it's on the way.

Anyway, I guess Brainless and I are even now--I had to take one of her tables on Friday because she was standing at the host station talking and never greeted them. They'd gone to the bar and asked for drinks, and then stopped me on the way by, because she was just completely ignoring her entire section. They were perfectly pleasant but didn't tip me; these people were rude and angry and left her $10. Guess it balances out!

I sincerely apologize for being human.

Was just taking a look over my keyword results, and somebody reached my blog when they searched for "gross when waitress sneezes in front of you".

She probably inhaled and exhaled too, how disgusting.

Advice to customers: when you're a camper.

On my "Days that make you hate your job" posted, Anonymous left an interesting comment:

I'm not a server or in the business, but feel for all of you who are, and love all your blogs. I'm not sure how to say this right, but please don't hate all of us "campers" before you've even had a chance to find out whether we'll leave a generous tip or not. There are times on my job when I have to wait out storms and don't like to do it in my truck, and am not allowed to go shopping. I usually will find a restaurant, order food and wait out the rain reading a book. I ALWAYS ALWAYS tip at least 100 percent and usually more for taking up someones table for so long even if I get the stink-eye from my server for "camping". I usually try to explain that I might be there a while, but I've never found a way to ensure the server that I'll compensate them well. How should I do that so they aren't so upset with me before I even get my bill? Maybe you could post a blog to let customers know how to go about this.

First, I think it's great that you even care--most people are just utterly oblivious, or they think "I'm the customer, I have a right to stay here as long as I want!" And the thing with campers is that it's all about context. I don't hate all of them, and I've been known to go to a restaurant for several hours too--but never during the prime hours.

(I'm going to use "you" throughout this, but I mean it in the general sense, not the personal.)

There are a couple of situations where you're going to be pissing someone off regardless. If it's prime rush time, say 11-2 or 5-8ish, you're significantly cutting into a server's profits if you're there more than fifteen minutes after you finish your food. Also, if you stay more than fifteen minutes after closing time, every employee in the place is pretty much thinking you're a douchebag.

Mitigating circumstances: a single person at a two-seater table who's polite and friendly is not going to be nearly as upsetting as a single person who's rude and bitchy, taking up a table that could seat four or more. After closing time, if there are multiple tables, we're going to be annoyed in general instead of at you in particular.

If you are going to be there during the dinner rush, ask for a closer's section. They have a lot more time to make money, so they'll be less annoyed. Don't take up a table bigger than you need unless there's a reason (like the chairs hurt your back but the booths are okay). During later hours, and if you see lots of open tables, it's not such a big deal. I don't care if somebody camps out at a booth the entire time from second cuts to close, generally speaking.

In general, be polite; and instead of trying to tell your server you'll be generous at the beginning, pay your bill promptly and let them take the credit slip/change right away. If you're worried about them ignoring you after that, just politely tell them you'll probably want a refill and to please check back. This also allows your sever to leave if they're supposed to be off the clock, instead of having to wait around making $2 an hour waiting to pick up your credit slip. They'll ask another server to keep an eye on you if that's the case.

We don't automatically hate all campers; a lot of it is about attitude. For example if the people who made me so angry on Tuesday would've sat at the bar for the first 2.5 hours they were waiting for the rest of their party, I could've run three groups of customers through that table and made some money. Instead, they took up my table and were rude to me to boot. The people having the meeting showed up during the dinner rush, knowing they weren't going to eat--so why go to a restaurant? It was also the combination of both of them sitting there at the same time that made me so mad, so some of it was just bad luck.

Any additional suggestions from fellow servers?

When 15% isn't enough.

I had an older lady and her grandson at one of my tables last night. She had a salad; he had some mac and cheese. They lady was perfectly polite, and normally the $3, 15% tip she left would've been just fine.

But the kid puked. Quite spectacularly, actually. The stuff was splashed all over the floor and wall of the entrance to the freaking kitchen. Thank god we have two doors so we could go around it, because it was just disgusting. In full view of most of the restaurant, too. And then he threw up all over the ladies' room, as well.

When the staff has to clean up your kid's biological waste, 15% is the equivalent of "fuck you".

I'd like water with two lemons, unsqueezed, on the side, with no ice, and a straw.

So in my entry below, someone commented that he/she doesn't understand why certain requests annoy servers. I figure most people reading here will probably be servers, but I thought I'd post this for those who aren't. As far as the ranch, lemons, etc. goes, we know you're not asking specifically to annoy us. And it's more about the individual person's attitude that anything.

For example, I wasn't annoyed with the people yesterday who ordered water with four limes and water with four lemons--I was just commenting that karma was already kicking me in the ass by giving me customers who were going to have a low check. Generally, water orders make us groan because it means the total bill will be less, and therefore our tip probably will be too. Of course there are exceptions sometimes.

However, when I ask someone if they would like an iced tea or something else to drink, and they respond "NO! I don't drink! I just want WATER!", I know they're going to be a pain. Likewise with people who start shaking their head as soon as I start offering a drink, and who sort of smirk at me and cut me off with "just water". And specifying "I'd like water, with two lemons, with a straw, with little ice" gives us the impression of a picky person who's going to make our job harder. I know I'm probably in for an order full of modifications, and all I can do after I input it is hope that the kitchen gets it all right, because of course I'm going to suffer if they forget to slice the sandwich diagonally.

Timing also plays a role. For example, if somebody orders a side of ranch when they order their meal, that's absolutely fine. If they ask for it when I deliver their food, okay. However, if when I come back with that ranch they ask me for another one, and then when I come back with that they ask me for more lemons, and then when I come back with lemons they ask me for more ranch ... then I start to get pissed off. I once had a table of four require eighteen trips to their table--and they all arrived and ordered at once, and didn't have dessert--for a five dollar tip (5%, in thise case). That's about ten more trips than the average table would require. People like this often will ask for sides of things, one at a time ... and then not even touch them.

One thing that I think annoys everyone, everywhere, is the dreaded hot tea. There are a couple of reasons for this; one is that past experience has taught me that hot tea drinkers generally linger for a long time and leave exceedingly average tips. But mostly, it's because it's a super pain in the ass to set up. The setup for my restaurant is to put a lemon, spoon, packet of honey, and tea bag on a small plate surrounding a small metal pot of water, and also to take a coffee mug full of hot water. It doesn't sound that complicated; but consider the following:
1) If I'm being a good waitress, I have to list all the flavors of tea we have--seven--and 99% of people ask me to repeat them at least once.
2) The side plates are on the expo line, across from the drink station, and I have to dodge the expo guy and anybody else walking through the kitchen to retrieve it.
3) The spoon and honey are right next to each other, but the honey packets are always sticky and stuck together.
4) The lemons are in the same general area, but usually require waiting in line to get the tongs to retrieve one.
5) The tea bags are several feet down, stored on top of the soda fountain--so not only do I have to wait for people to get done pouring sodas, half the time I can't reach the particular flavor of tea bag because I'm short. And sometimes the boxes fall behind the soda fountain, so then I have to retrieve the box, or go to the back, find the step ladder, climb up, get the right flavor out of the new box, and go back.
6) To get the hot water, I usually have to pour it out of the little hot water spigots on the coffee machines--which are very slow. Sometimes we'll have a pot of hot water sitting on a burner, it just depends on if anybody else has had tea that day.
If I'm unlucky, all of this can take five minutes, but even without any glitches it takes three times as long as pouring a fountain drink. And if people want milk or cream for their coffee, I have to go harass the bartender for it. Plus, even if it's a table of only two, I now have to use a drink tray, because there's no safe way to carry a regular glass, a hot coffee cup, and a plate with a hot metal kettle on it.

What it really boils down to is peoples' attitudes about requesting these things. Anyone who's been serving long enough can predict their tip with fair accuracy based on the way their customers speak to them, and their body language. Not everyone who has some french fries with their six buckets of ranch is a bad tipper, but if the same person doesn't make eye contact with us when asking for things, it's a bad sign.

Maybe they "don't believe" in tipping

I had a table last night that I knew, from the start, wouldn't tip me. I've waited on them before, and they didn't tip me then. The waitress who was cut from the floor right as they sat down warned me.

But I thought, maybe they just thought they had bad service. I'll make an extra effort, and I'll make sure everything is perfect, and we'll see what happens. They were one of only two tables I had, and the other was sipping margaritas, so basically they had my undivided attention.

This table consists of a mom, her son, and her two daughters. One of the daughters is married, and they have a little teeny baby plus a two year old. Then there's a boy of about eleven, and I'm don't know how he's related--the rest of them are Hispanic, and he's blond and blue-eyed and bears no resemblance. Anyway, that's seven people who are eating plus a high chair taking up space.

They all had drinks; they all ordered meals, and two ordered well done steaks. I offered them a couple of little extras. I asked if they'd like me to bring out the toddler's food right away, so I brought out that and one girl's salad immediately. I kept their drinks full until dinner, nobody's ran dry. After that, I did forget one of their sodas for about five minutes while I was getting the sauteed mushrooms one of them said she ordered (didn't) and getting steak sauce, more ranch, etc. etc. The two younger kids had desserts, they said it was their birthday, but I think they said that last time too.

Their total ticket was $110. With the exception of the forgotten soda, and the mushrooms that weren't ordered, they had absolutely perfect service, with my undivided attention. Fifteen minutes after I left them the check, they asked me to split it. One person paid about $40 with a card, and the rest handed me a hundred dollar bill. I returned their card and their change within two minutes.

I suspected I'd get stiffed, so I wasn't upset when I found not a single penny left for me. I knew I didn't deserve it; I made a conscious effort to provide the best service possible I was irritated, but I didn't let it get to me. They do it to everybody. I don't know why, but I might ask them next time. What's the worst that can happen? They're already not tipping me. And maybe they think gratuity is added, or maybe the eleven year old who inexplicably handles the cash for them is pocketing the tip.

I wouldn't be rude about it, just sweetly mention that gratuity isn't included in the ticket. Or very politely ask them, "I remember the last time you were here, I didn't get a tip. Can you please tell what I did wrong so that I can improve my service to you?" Sure, maybe they'll call me rude and ask to speak to the manager, but if I handle it properly, the worst that will happen is a write-up, and like I care about that.

Or maybe they'll tell me they "don't believe" in tipping because the restaurant should pay my wage. I've been thinking about this, and here's what I've come up with:

The average restaurant only makes 15 cents on the dollar--the rest goes to food costs, labor, etc. It's a very slender profit margin.

On a weekday, my restaurant has two people do the opening sidework from 9-11 (4 labor hours). After open, we have eight people on the floor from 11 to roughly 1, but then there's finishing tables and sidework. So that's eight people from 11 to 3 (32 labor hours). Then maybe there's two from 3 to 4 (2 labor hours), 4 from 4 to 5 (4 labor hours), then another eight from 5 to 9 (32 labor hours), four from 8-10 (8 labor h ours), and two more until close at 11, leaving at roughly 11:30 (3 labor hours). Then there's the bartender, who also doesn't get minimum wage. If you assume one bartender with no overlap from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m., that's 14 labor hours hours.

So, in an average day, we have among waitstaff 99 labor hours if everything goes smoothly and nobody is waiting on campers, takes extra time on their sidwork, etc. Let's round that to 100 labor hours per day just for the servers. Forget about the hostesses and kitchen staff. In my state, servers get $4 per hour (it used to be 2.13!). Let's say that restaurants were requires to pay standard minimum wage to all servers; we won't factor in to this the fact that nobody would do such a demanding, shitty job for $7 an hour.

That would take the daily labor wages for waitstaff from $400 a day to $700 a day. That's a 42% increase out of the restaurant's pocket on a daily basis. So now, instead of making 15 cents per dollar sold, they're losing money. So naturally, prices go up by that 42%.

Say you and one other person go out to eat at .... I don't know, lets say Chili's. We'll say you just go very basic and order two waters and two $6 soup/salad combinations. You have a $12 tab. If you tip strictly on percentage, and till 15%, your total tab for two people will be $13.80. Maybe you'll go big and do 20%, for a $14.20 tab.

Try it with eliminating tipping. Suddenly, prices increase by 42%. Your $12 tab is now $17. You're paying more. And when you think about the fact that wage would probably have to increase to at least $10 to keep people in the place, your $12 tab would become $19.

Let's try a bigger meal. Four people, four basic margaritas ($25), an appetizer ($7), four ten dollar meals ($40), and a dessert ($5). Basic tab, $77. With fifteen percent tip, $88.50.

But if you apply a 42% price increase, your dinner is suddenly costing you $109. $123 with the 60% increase.

(I admit my math is simplistic. Restaurants would probably find other ways to cut costs, like using smaller portion sizes. So then you're getting less for your money, so I'd say it all evens out.)

Still think tipping is a bad idea? Then you're not standing on any idealogical grounds. You're just a cheap-ass douchebag. Go to McDonald's.