Even more work for no pay? Awesome!

(I normally don't post on my days off because I try to forget that fucking hellhole exists, but I'm trying to make up for being a blogging slacker lately!)

As part of corporate's never-ending quest to sell more alcohol (love that markup), they're all hot under the collar to keep the bartenders nailed down behind the bar. Their theory is that if somebody walks in and doesn't see a bartender behind the bar at that exact fucking moment, then bar business will be negatively impacted. Now my opinion of the general public is pretty low, but even I think most people can process the fact that the bartender might have something else to do rather than stand there waiting for them.

But since in this corporate fantasy, the presence of a bartender behind the bar every moment of the night will have some magical increasing effect upon alcohol sales. So they've decreed that once the “to go specialist” goes home …. now the servers are responsible for answering the phone, taking orders, packing them up, running them out to the cars, and collecting payment. And since most people don't tip on to go orders, that means that the nights I close I get to do a shitload more work for … what's that? No pay? Fucking fabulous.

More corporate idiocy.

Who the bloody fuck comes up with these stupid fucking policies? I've written before about the stupidity of our switching glasses, although I can't find the entry right now. Basically we switched from plastic tumblers to glasses which a) hold more ice b) don't hold a chill so go through more ice leading to more refills c) shatter all over the motherfucking place when dropped d) come out of the dishwasher so hot we have to use ice to chill them and them put in new ice for the drinks and e) are freaking heavy and a general pain in the ass. So they use about 25% more ice; we got an ice bucket 25% smaller so we have to make more trips; the racks for them hold 25% fewer glasses so we're switching those out more often; and we have to slice lemons on demand now instead of pre-slicing them. Oh yes, and we now have to mix chocolate milk instead of getting it prepared from the bar. And Lapdog randomly decided that beer glasses need to be hand-washed by the bartender so there's another kink in the routine we've had since the fucking place opened.

The latest little wrinkle in the beverage service is that we're no longer allowed to use iced tea pitchers to do refills. Instead, we have to get a brand-new glass every time somebody wants more tea. Considering how fast people suck the stuff down, and how quickly it gets watery between the shitty glasses and the nature of tea, this is a giant pain in the ass. Add in all the above irritations related to drinks and I'm (probably unduly) pissed off. Seriously, I've never been to a restaurant that didn't use water and tea pitchers for refills! It's been that way since the fucking chain started, why is it suddenly not cool?

We don't know, because – and this is the best part to me – they didn't bother to give us a goddamn reason for it. I asked CL, and she said she had no idea, and her boss had no idea. It just came down from the corporate office and WE MUST OBEY.

Blatant favoritism.

(I'm all moved, but can't even describe the chaos leftover from said event. It's going to take me for-fucking-ever to get my life back in order, so I'm sorry if posting is irregular or my response to comments continues to suck.)

For whatever stupid reason, HotPants will now be doing the schedule instead of Lapdog, who's had responsibility for it for oh, the last ten years. I had a feeling it was going to be a fucking disaster, and I even tried to express that to CL. But I didn't want to say the real reason I was concerned – because I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me – so I just said sometimes I thought he had a hard time keeping people straight. She blew me off, naturally.

But, sure enough, when HotPants posted last week's schedule, it was completely fucked up. I was lucky, he'd only taken my Thursday and Friday second cut shifts and replaced them with a Tuesday first cut. I say 'only' but I was raging fucking pissed at first. Take my two money-making shifts and put me on a shitty kid's night first cut, when I'm not even supposed to be available on Tuesdays? Fuck you, fucker!

Then I looked at the rest of the schedule. Ooooohhhh boy. Fud went from eight shifts over five days to three shifts in two days. Mistress J, probably the most senior server we have, was taken completely off her Tuesday night and her Thursday double, and given a Friday first instead of her usual close. Kate had one first cut Monday shift. Her sister Ally had double first-cut shifts on Tuesday and nothing else. Me, Mistress J, Kate, and three other people were all taken off our regular Thursday night shifts—I don't know who the fuck he had working. Work Wife's days were right, but her closes were taken away and she was given first cuts. Those were just the most extreme examples, everything was totally jacked.

And who got all those shifts the rest of us didn't? HotPants' favorites. Cat-Eyes had two to-go shifts and five closing nights. The Bug had four closes and three other shifts. Eager Beaver, who's been here less than a month, had three closes and four other shifts. Another FNG had five fucking closing shifts. I was so freaking pissed off, but I knew a hail of shit was going to rain down on HotPants for this blatant fuckery, so I decided that a very polite email would stand out in the crowd a lot more. I very carefully, politely, please-and-thank-you'd my way through asking for my regular schedule back, and then I waited.

Sure enough, this week my schedule was back to normal! Not everybody's was, and I think it's because HotPants was being a little passive-aggressive. When I thanked him for giving me my regular schedule again, he said, “Sure, all I needed was an email. At least yours was NICE!”

And strangely, since then, he's been talking and joking with me a little more. Score one for me.

Ah, vindication!

We had a pre-shift meeting today, during which CL whipped out three months' worth of survey results. The company finally pulled their head out of their ass and changed our surveys to a new company that doesn't, well, suck. The way questions are stated is a lot less leading, the scoring system isn't weighted against us from the start, and it's generally much better.

Still, I was nervous as soon as she brought them out. The last time we were getting survey results regularly, she was flipping the fuck out all the time. To my surprise, though, she was glowing with pride. Apparently, our scores over three months left the rest of the district in the freaking dust. That doesn't surprise me, now that we have a better system. For all the flaws in the restaurant, we generally do a good job of taking care of our customers.

The sheets she had were a print-out of the 68 positive comments we'd gotten in the last three months. Actually, it's the comments attached to surveys where people rated their overall satisfaction greater than “satisfied.” So there could be other positive comments about certain things, just paired with slightly lower ratings.

Anyway, 68 in three months? That's freaking awesome. And apparently we only had 10 negative comments in the same time period! But like I said, that doesn't really surprise me. I said I wished I could see all of the comments (the print-out was screwy and the comments were chopped off) because there were 5-7 with my name on them. CL said, her tone a mix of pride and surprise, “I know! You're all over it!”

Thanks for the confidence.

Oh dear god no.

Since we started having late night activities about a year ago, I've done my best to avoid them (except for bingo, but I don't wait tables during it). Trivia drives me to distraction, although I've never figured out why. Karaoke makes me want to stab knives into my ears so I don't have to hear the noise. So basically I only work those shifts if I am ridiculously strapped for cash, because it's never worth the time and aggravation.

But lucky, lucky me, CL has decided to make some changes to the late night lineup. At first I thought I was still safe: trivia and karaoke were merely being flip-flopped. And then I found out we're going to have karaoke two nights a week. Fuck my life.

As usual, they're wrong.

Corporate loves to tell us that if we upsell, we'll make more because people tip on percentage. They're always giving us examples like if a table ordered two small salad entrees and water, that's $12 and we'd get a $1.80 tip. But if we got them to order a premium margarita each, and an appetizer, and larger salads, and a dessert to share, that's a million dollars and we'll make a million dollars!11!!1!

Yeah ... except it doesn't really work that way in this restaurant. Someone actually did a study on us once, and their conclusion was that when people just want food they go to McDonald's, when they want good food they go to one of the slightly more upscale chain options, and when they want okay food at a certain price they come to us. So basically most people walk in expecting to pay a certain amount, and if they spend more, their server suffers.

The last two weeks, I have said "fuck upselling" and not pushed anything. I haven't even suggested drinks, just asked what they wanted. And you know, overall, my tip percentage has been a LOT better. My actually money made had sucked big floppy donkey balls because of the sections I've had, of course.

And another thing ...

We used to serve just fajitas on skillets. Now we suddenly have five more things that are served on a skillet. Which means a hot pad, a wooden holder, and the skillet itself billowing smoke in to your face.

Used to be we'd drop the skillet off in the dish pit and then put the other stuff away. Now, we have to scrape the skillet and put it in a bucket of nasty water to soak, then pull a towel out of sanitizer, wring it out, and wipe off the wooden holder before we set it down. Because the dish washer who's paid hourly apparently has too much to do.

Oh, and the sanitizer has to be changed every half an hour.

Efficiency fail.

My restaurant, being a corporate chain, is all about the quick service, turn-and-burn action. While they want us to give good service, they're also aware that we have a reputation as kind of a seated fast-food joint. They bank on that, and also on the fact that every Joe Schmo's people go to across the country has the same stuff prepared the same way. It's what we are; that's fine.

And I can appreciate that our new owners are trying to streamline and upgrade some things -- by instituting the in/out doors, or by upgrading to actual glass instead of plastic. At least they care, right? They're not just letting things languish, they're trying to update so we don't go the way of Bennigan's. So I'm glad they care. But--you knew that was coming, right?--this is where some practical fucking restaurant experience would come in handy when making these changes!

For instance; the glasses. They sure look pretty! I admit they look a lot nicer than the old plastic ones, yep. Unfortunately, they're also blazing fucking hot when they come out of the dishwasher, so we frequently have to fill them with ice to cool them, pour out the ice/water, and then start over--or risk the glasses shattering from the sudden cold, which has happened already a couple of times.

Oh, and then there's the fact that these glasses hold about 25% more ice than the old ones, so we're re-filling the ice bin more often. And we're now using a bucket that's smaller than the old one, that takes three trips to fill the bin instead of two like the old bucket. They changed to that one because it's rectangular, so theoretically it's easier to pour the ice in without dumping it all over the counter. Unfortunately, it's got a big curved-in plastic lip, so the ice still comes fountaining over it in a great splash of crystalline chunks. Oh yes -- and the glass racks hold five fewer glasses than they used to, so we're changing those heavy bastards out a hell of a lot more often!

Another problem with the glasses is the weight. Empty, they weigh more than the plastic ones did full. Full, they're really quite heavy. Plus they're wider at the top than at the bottom. Between the weight and the shape, we can fit less of them on the tray, meaning, naturally, more trips. It also means more spilled drinks to refill, and more messes to clean up -- and when these glasses break, they fucking shatter. We're talking a five-foot radius of safety-glass like chunks skittering across the kitchen floor.

And then, when it comes time to clear off the tables, there's another glass issue. The plastic kind could be stacked nice and high; I could tuck three towers of them between my arm and my body and hold a fourth and fifth in each hand, and have a big top largely cleared off in one trip. The new glasses can only be stacked three high: not only do they get too heavy, but if you stack four the weight pushes the bottom two together so hard you can't always get them apart without breaking. Oh -- and the sloped sides allow liquid to slosh out more easily, so the glasses have to be emptier to be carried easily. So it takes longer to clear off almost any table.

In essence these glasses are causing delays because they get too hot, they use more ice, they're heavier and wider, they're harder to carry, and they're harder to stack. Any one of those little things would be no big deal, but put them together and it's causing a more significant delay.

Oh, and they took the floor mats out of the kitchen -- why? because people were tripping on them, apparently -- so the floors are constantly slick, constantly slippery, and things that used to be no big deal are suddenly a problem. A two ounce splatter of ranch before would be no big deal -- now it's got to be cleaned up immediately because it makes the floor all slippery and gets tracked all over. And we all know that non-slip shoes are only so good.

Then there's having to come in the opposite door from the dish pit. If there's nobody in the way, it adds an extra 15 seconds to the trip. Which sounds like nothing, right? But again, that's if the kitchen is totally empty. When you have to navigate around fifteen other employees and come to a dead stop several times to let the oblivious expo pass in front of you, it's a lot longer. And because of that delay, and the aforementioned heavier glasses, we're all carrying less on trips back to the kitchen. So that's yet more time to get tables cleared off -- especially if you're unlucky enough to be on the patio and have that extra door to open and extra distance to travel.

Back in the good old days, I could breeze in the south door, dispose of my dirty dishes, and then head to the other side of the kitchen. Along the way I could grab a bottle of steak sauce, fill a glass of Pepsi, ring in an order, grab a box, and go out the north door. Now, I have to carry the dirty dishes in the north door, and cross the kitchen to dispose of them. Then I can make my way back across the kitchen, gathering things as I go -- and then turn back around and exit the south door. Two extra trips across the length of the kitchen. Doesn't sound like much, but it's longer I'm in the back, out of sight of guests, who then start to wonder where I am! And say I head out the door and realize I needed the other kind of steak sauce too. I can't wheel around, take two steps and grab the other bottle -- I have to make another fucking circuit through the kitchen!

And then there's the changes to the menu; suddenly instead of re-printing the menu, they've decided to put this single folded-paper wrapper around it -- plus a flyer with other stuff -- thus doubling the number of menus to collect, deposit, re-assemble, and store. Not a huge deal -- except for the fact that customers are fundamentally stupid and can't find their way out of a paper sack, let alone understand there are actual items printed on that wrapper. "Why don't you have fajitas anymore? I always get fajitas!" "Oh, they're just in a different place on the menu." "WHERE? *frantic flipping* I CAN'T FIND THEM!" *STAB*

Oh! Then there's the changes to the plates. We now have another two types of plates, because they just decided things should be put on different type of plates; so they're harder to stack to bus plates, and the dish pit is more cluttered, and it generally takes longer to deal with, for the cooks and for us and for the dish washer and just in general.

Again -- all little things. But little things that add up, that make everything take longer, that slow down corporate's precious timeframe for table service. And they wonder why our survey scores are slipping? If any of the bastards had ever worked in a restaurant, maybe they'd take all these little things in to account.

Good and bad on the uniform front.

In time I've worked for this company, they've changed the uniform an absolutely stupid number of times. And they're changing it yet again this summer! They just changed it last summer. I was hoping they'd revert to last year's uniform: blue jeans and the same black shirts we've worn for a couple of years.

Well, I got half of my wish. We are going back to jeans, which freaking thrills me! But of course they couldn't leave the shirts alone, so now I have to replace my stack of shirts. And naturally they're not going to provide said shirts, so it's going to cost me money to replace them.

And, naturally, they've chosen a shirt that's going to be a massive pain in the ass to find. You wouldn't think a black button-up shirt would be difficult, and maybe if you're a dude it's not. But if you're a woman with tits over a B cup, you're screwed--at least when they specify "fitted" shirts! I already know what's going to happen: any shirt I can find that's fitted enough to satisfy them is going to be so tight in the chest it's going to pop open and show my bra, and then I'll get in trouble for that! Fucking stupid is what it is.

They have loosened up on some things, which is great. For example, the new uniform code states that "one studded nose ring" is acceptable - it doesn't even say it has to be clear or flesh-tone. That will be a relief to half the staff. Also, visible tattoos are okay until they're "offensive". So at least I can strike "long enough sleeves not to show any hint of shoulder tattoo" off the list of characteristics for new shirts.

And then there's random stuff like hair must be a natural shade, and even if it is a natural color highlights have to be natural-looking. Earrings can't be bigger than a quarter -- but it doesn't say anything about length. One ring per hand, but no specification on bracelets or necklaces -- just not "inconsistent with the image we wish to portray". Oh, and no "excessive clips in hair." But my personal favorite is "socks may not show ankle skin". WTF? So holes in the nose and ink in the skin is okay, but ankle skin is illicit?

It's not broken? Let's fix it!

Again, corporate groupthink overwhelms common sense in my restaurant. Apparently all the other divisions in the company have "in" and "out" doors in the kitchen. Which, on the face of it, makes sense--less risk of collision. We've always just yelled "in" and "out" as we came and went from the kitchen, and it really hasn't been a problem.

But, somebody a step above us on the corporate ladder decided that every restaurant needs to designate in and out doors, regardless of sense. Here's a (very clumsy) diagram of our kitchen:
Anyone with an ounce of common sense will immediately spot the problems. Like, oh, I don't know, having to traverse the entire length of the kitchen with dirty plates. Especially on a Friday night--dodging the panicking carside person, people digging in the cooler for things, waiting for computers, rolling silverware, pouring drinks, washing hands, stocking ice ... then there's the expo running up and down that area too, and the people with hot food leaving the kitchen, before you finally get to the dish area. It's fucking idiotic. At least they did insert a modicum of common sense: originally the doors were flipped, so we'd be dodging all that while carrying food! I was just waiting for somebody to get a fajita skillet to the face with that shit going on.

They just keep finding ways to make it suck more.

This is what I hate about corporate restaurants: Oh who am I kidding, there's a lot to hate. But one of things is the fact that pencil-pushing douchebags with no actually experience make decisions that fuck my up life. Usually it's just in little ways, but those little ways add up.

This time, they've decided that we're going to switch to actual glasses for all our drinks, rather than the plastic tumblers we've used for the entire time the chain has been open. So now, instead of night lightweight plastic that weighed maybe two ounces empty, we're using these big heavy damned glasses. They're several inches taller, and narrower at the bottom than the top--so you can imagine how stable they are on trays--and fucking hell, are they heavy. Empty, they weigh more than a full plastic tumbler. Yeah, I guess they look better, but they also don't hold a chill very well, and I'd rather have cold liquid!

And, of course, they've switched us to these just in time for the patio to open. I anticipate many, many, many a broken glass as servers trying to bump open the patio door lose their grip on trays.

I know that this seems like such a small, pesky thing to be upset about--but Jesus H. Christ on a motherfucking cracker, why can't they just leave things alone?

Jobs in jeopardy.

Okay, okay, I'm back! Sorta. My brain is still trying to ignore the fact that I'm back to my regular life.

The bastard corporate monkeys have added yet another layer of stress to our lives. This shouldn't surprise me, of course. Basically, they've implemented a system of tracking our upsells. That in itself isn't that big a deal. What is a big deal is that instead of being a tool for rewarding us, they're using it as punishment.

They're now tracking us day by day and week by week. If over a two week period, my upsell percentage (upsell items/number of customers) is below the store's average, I have to go to a buttcrack-of-dawn meeting and "learn" how to make it better. If my percentage doesn't improve within two weeks after that, I get written up. If it still doesn't improve two weeks after that .... I no longer get to work. Yep, they're now threatening to fire people for not selling enough.

Thing is, the whole "the beatings shall continue until morale improves" part of this plan is optional. CL has chosen to inflict that on us. And here's what she can't seem to wrap her brain around: what the fuck an average is! Say all those steps are followed and five people below the average get fired. What happens, then, to the average? Oh yeah, it goes up! And that means new people are under the average, and new people are getting harassed!

I tried to point that out and got a blank stare in return.

Dodged another corporate bullet.

I nearly picked up a shift on one of my days off this week, since I had requested Easter off (unnecessarily, as it turned out). Thank god I changed my mind! The president and vice-president of the company showed up for a surprise visit—at 10 at night. They showed up on one of the nights that we don't have any specific “late night fun” planned, and a night when CL was working.

She did have about half an hour of warning, as one of the other stores called, so of course she started flipping out and having people scrub stuff. She was also able to bribe employees with free food to hang around and pretend they wanted to be there, which is good, since the big guys were there to see how late night was going. If they'd come in on a Sunday or Monday, it would have been great—we've actually had a decent showing. Not sure why those two nights have worked out when the rest haven't, really. A random group of semi-regulars showed up too, which I imagine made CL just weak with relief.

I wasn't there, like I said, but one of my friends reported that the big guys weren't impressed with the kitchen—apparently they complained about fingerprints on the stainless steel, and said the floors weren't clean enough. You know, in a working kitchen while we were open. I guess they also asked CL some upsetting questions about her boss, which she told someone while crying in the kitchen. I'm not sure what that was about, but I'm sure CL is terrified that her boss will get fired and replaced with someone who doesn't think she's splendiferous.

I'm getting less and less thrilled with closing, with the late hours and sporadic business and my general annoyance with my job. The idea of random late-night visits from ignorant corporate bigwigs just makes me even more excited.

Saturday morning detention.

One of the downsides of being at a corporate restaurant is how they get all uptight about sales and add-ons and crap. At my restaurant, they used to look at your average dollar amount per guest, but they didn't make a huge deal out it. We'd have contests sometimes, and they'd talk about ways to increase it, but it wasn't something they really focused on.

Well, now that's changed. They don't look at the check average anymore, actually. We have a whole new system. Basically we get points for things, like upsized drinks, salads, desserts, etc. Each item is worth one point, and then that's divided by the number of guests. I actually like this system better, as it gives me specific things I know I get credit for and that I know are easy up-sells.

What I don't like so much is that they've decided that there's a cut-off percentage. If you're below that cut-off, you have to come in on Saturday mornings before we open for ... well, I'm not sure exactly what. Since it's run by Lapdog, I'd assume it's going to be an hour of bitching about how things need to get better, with some reiteration of "sales tricks" we've heard before.

Today was the first one of these classes, and I didn't have to go--I'm usually at the top of the chart. Actually, last week I was fifth from the top because I was deliberately slacking off. I'd been first or second for several weeks in a row, and I figured that's a good way to get saddled with leading those Saturday classes or being put on the spot at other times.

So I'm not particularly worried about it--if all else fails, I know how to work the computer system so guests get what they want and I get decent scores. If someone orders a "bacon cheeseburger with no cheese", I order a hamburger add bacon. Same price, I get credit for an upsell. I don't think there's anything wrong with that example; but I know it's just a matter of time before someone I work with gets in trouble for only ringing in one guest per table in an effort to avoid the Saturday morning classes. Which is exactly the kind of trouble corporate is asking for by punishing servers for not being salespeople.

Are they trying to drive employees away?

We've had a lot of changes at my restaurant in the last year or so, most of which have pissed us all off. We no longer get paychecks, the money gets put right on a debit card that's a big pain in the ass to retrieve our money from. We went from jeans and a black shirt to head-to-toe black. We got new, enormous, hugely colorful, cheesy-line-infused menus. We no longer put silverware on the tables ahead of time, only when guests are seated. Etc.

None of those are that big a deal; minor annoyances. Now, though, corporate has made what I suspect will be a very bad decision for everyone involved: they've decreed that employees can no longer smoke at work.

I don't smoke, so it doesn't impact me immediately. But I work with a lot of people who already get bitchy as hell when they don't get their nicotine by eight at night. I do not want to see them on an eight hour closing shift when they're not allowed to smoke.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how it's legal for them to say this. According to the labor law, you're supposed to get a paid fifteen minute break for every four hours of work. Even though it's paid, it's personal time. How can they tell you what to do with that time, as long as it's not illegal? They say it's because of laws banning smoking within a certain number of feet of the door--but I'm pretty sure that's only a public entrance, not a bad door to the trash area or whatever. They also say it's a safety concern, because they "can't guarantee" employees won't be injured while off store property--but this is just going to force people to leave the property to smoke. Which is maybe the point, if somebody is hurt off the property it's not their legal responsibility.

I'm sure they're thinking this will cut back on guest wait times, improve service, blabbity blah. In reality, it's going to lead to pissed off and cranky employees, being pissed off and cranky at each other and guests. It's also going to lead to people sneaking out to their cars, desperate to suck down half a cigarette. But it's also probably going to lead to some of my more addicted coworkers quitting their jobs in favor of more cancer-friendly places.

ADD

DEL

Move

Ruining it for everyone.

Goddamn corporate monkeys. They've decided to transfer our most popular manager to another store. Everybody is pissed, including the manager.

A lot of the fun is going to go out of this place Friday.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Well, fuck.

I was in a good mood. Then I walked in to four managers and a regional manager wandering around and causing everyone stress.

And then I got told to smile more.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Stupid corporate people.

I love the fact that restaurant decisions are made by people sitting in an office on the east coast, who don't actually work in restaurants, and who just make shit up. Like deciding that our uniform is switching from jeans to black slacks. Why? Oh, who knows why!

Fuck you, corporate monkeys!