Friday, November 14, 2014

The Shit List

Much like everybody in a restaurant will recognize the pain in the ass or cheap table, there are certain addresses that every delivery person at a pizza place will recognize. Oh, we know people think we don't remember them. How could we possibly do so, when we deliver to an area with thousands of houses? Oh, foolish customers, how they underestimate us.

Some addresses, we all just know right off the bat because the order so frequently. There's one address that I have occasionally manipulated the driver assignments to get, because if the husband pays he tips five bucks - but if the wife pays, it's anywhere from ten to twenty-five dollars. And then there are a couple of addresses that we all know immediately will be a big fat zero tip, and so we try to take another order at the same time as that one so it's not a total loss.

Of course, some don't order often enough to just be a known quantity. For the first year I was delivering, I didn't keep track of those houses in any way. But a few months ago, there was an infuriating upsurge in the number of times I was stiffed. It went from one or twice a week to ten times in three days, and I got pissed. So now, at the back of the notebook where I keep my delivery tags, there resides The Shit List. It's not like a fuck up their food or anything, but I like to know what to expect.

And, okay, there are a couple of seriously repeat offenders who I will take my sweet ass time delivering to. If they haven't tipped the last five weeks, they can wait while I stop at 7-11 for a refill. And okay, maybe a time or two I've "accidentally" left the warming bag open so their food isn't as hot as it could be. What can I say. I'd rather those people stop ordering from us.

Anyway. Most drivers have such a list, but most are also more liberal about adding people. All the coworkers I've talked to note anybody who tips less that two or three dollars - I normally only note those who do less than a dollar or zero (unless they're incredibly assholish in another way).

However, this week, I decided that there are certain times when the threshold will be raised. Yesterday night, it was fucking -4 degrees Farenheit here. And we are not allowed to wear our own coats - only company jackets, which are of course $50, and are really just shells that provide so warmth. So when it's that fucking cold, and I'm saving someone from having to go out in that shit? They'd better be fucking appreciating my frozen nipples and numb toes with more than two bucks. Otherwise I will remember. Oh yes. I will.

2 comments:

SkippyMom said...

We always tip well [duh] as Pooldad did this in his youth and I used to be a server, but delivery is so bad that I gave up and just started making homemade pizza. I don't know what it is...we live 5 miles from the only two pizza places in town. We still tip them, but bah. I don't want to wait an hour Dominos okay?

I like your idea of the sh*t list. Pooldad said the worst tippers were the ones that ordered all the time, but lived in Section 8 housing and had big screen TVS and nicer cars than he did. Besides which, all the drivers were afraid of being robbed going to that apt. complex. They would try to work not to go, but they did. He still made nice tips, for the time.

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