Monday, July 14, 2014

Go be nauseating in private.

Anyone who has read more than, like, one of my entries should know how I feel about children. In simple terms, I'm not a fan. Waiting on crotchspawn was one of the things I seriously weighed if I could handle before resuming serving. Now of course it isn't the spawn's fault if it doesn't know how to behave in public, it's the parents' failure. Still not pleasant.

That said, it wasn't the spawn that was annoying today - she was too tiny to be anything but defenseless and wrinkly. She was so new I think I could still smell placenta on her. Her head still had a little of that "I was just squeezed out a vagina" cone shape. So I'm guessing this was Mommy and Daddy's first trip out in public with their new burden bundle of joy. And I understand wanting to be out in the world and show off - I wish I could take my dog everywhere with me, she's badass.

So I'm not faulting them for that. However, I am faulting them for sharing one salad between them and then taking up 25% of my section for two hours - and since my section was two booths and two two-seater tables (that nobody ever sits at), in practical terms it was more like 40%.

They weren't even talking to each other. They were just passing the baby back and forth and staring at it in wonderment. No, I'm not kidding. I heard them exchange maybe ten words the entire time. The whole "meal" consisted of mushily staring at their little miracle as they handed her back and forth across the table.

Okay, I get it. You made a little person. You'll have plenty of time to regret that later, but for now? Get the fuck out of my section and go stare at her like lobotomized idiots at home!


Your pal "SM" :) said...

Okay - here is the deal you know I am a Mom of six [gave birth to 4 of my own and have had two step children since they were preschool age] AND?

I agree with you 100 percent. I love my kids, but anyone who takes a baby into public at that age [smells like placenta? I almost wet my pants laughing b/c that is the PERFECT description of what they did] - anyway - they are IDIOTS.

I don't care if you want to be out. Go risk your babies health at your inlaws or on a drive in a care, but the first week or so, stay the freak home, where you belong. And your kid needs to be.

I never baby proofed my house or used hand santizer - and surprisingly my little offspring survived to adulthood - but let's be honest here new parents - the LAST place your new love bundle needs to be is in a restaurant [grocery store, convenience mart, rodeo or wal mart.]
Stay home and order in.

And I know you are not surprised by this PG. :) I am not, never have been the best Mom. And they don't come with a manual - but c'mon. That's just dumb and selfish.

purplegirl said...

Hey, I think NOT over-protecting and coddling your kids makes you a GREAT mom! The people I know who get sick the most often are the ones with the germaphobe, freaking-the-fuck-out mothers!