A fair trade.

So I've been back slinging hash for a while now, and I've been a little anxious, wondering if I was going to end up just depleting my savings and finding myself living shift to shift again. I felt like I couldn't possibly be making as much as I was before, and I was starting to freak out.

Yeah. Turns out that, while I did make $78 (after taxes) less this month than at my desk job .... I worked 75 fucking hours less. Seventy-five hours! That's more than three entire extra days of my damn life I got back.

I'm good with that.

Things I forgot.

• Accent Girl rolls her silverware crazy weird. I can't even figure out what she does, but it's all lumpy and weird.
• When Lapdog gets stressed, he fixates on little things. The place can be going to hell and he'll suddenly go on a rampage about why there isn't a bucket of sanitizer out so servers can polish silverware if they have a spare moment.
• How walking might make you more hot overall, but dear god the breeze it creates is wonderful when you're all damp and sweaty.
• That Bug's laugh is still completely fucking annoying.
• The way plates can feel fine when you pick them up, but by the time you get to the table you don't have fingerprints anymore.
• Just how much goddamn salad dressing people can eat.
• Bissels suck. 
• That hostesses seem to be universally brainless once they clock in.
• How my pillow smells disgusting in the morning if I'm too tired/lazy to shower before bed - actually, it's even worse now because it's a combination of restaurant and pizza.
• On that note, how my skin feels juuuuuuust slightly sticky until I take a very long, very hot shower.
• Swamp ass. 'Nuff said.

Hit my stride!

Well, after my first two rough shifts ... I'm back on the horse. I've got the changes to the computer system down, I've now seen all of the new menu items and have gotten them cemented in my mind, and basically, life is good. Oh, not to say I'm perfect. Far from it. I still totally forgot that one guy's ranch and rang in the wrong item for that other woman (why does corporate make the buttons so similiar?). But now that I've got a few more days under my belt .... feeling good!

I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying it, actually. I mean, my stamina is totally shot - a three hour shift kicks my ass. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I hadn't been doing the pizza thing since August! And the restaurant heat blows as much as ever - but feels good as well. I hate sweating unless it's because I'm doing something productive.

I'm slightly concerned I'll have a lack of stories now that I don't have my bitch on quite as often .....

I don't need no stinkin' retraining.

Well, I've already pissed off a coworker. Not that I did anything wrong. BB was told I just needed a refresher and to let me work her tables and see what I remembered, what I needed help with, etc. So .... that's what I did. And then she bitched to MJ that I "took over" her section and that she's not a real trainer so she "felt put on the spot" and that she wanted to write more on my training log but she felt "pressured" to say certain things. Basically, she complained that I didn't need her help and then complained she didn't get to tell me what to do because I didn't need her help.

Of course, that didn't stop her from trying to tell me what to do - often in the most micro-managing way possible. I wanted to tell her "Bitch, the drink station has been in the same spot and organized the same way since I first worked here twelve years ago. I know how to serve an iced tea!" And of course, the things I actually did want an assist with, she was no help. For example the computer system is pretty much the same except a couple of the menu hierarchies have been changed - but at one point I couldn't find a button, and instead of helping me with where to find it, she just pushed me to the side, jabbed at the screen a bunch, and did it for me.

I was not sorry to be done with her for the day. She was never actually nasty, but she just rubbed me the wrong way. The following day I was once again "training" but this time with Accent Girl - who handed me her POS card and said "go bitch, go!"

So I went, and surprise! I can still do the job I did for years! Harley (new boss) had said we'd put me on the schedule next week, but I hadn't worked with her yet so I talked to MJ and together we went to the scheduling manager, who said I had to do five days of training. I politely said that wasn't what I was told and got back "Well, that's what I'm telling you now! OKAY?"

MJ rolled her eyes and said she'd take care of it, and got me put on the schedule for four shifts next week. Thank god. I don't think I could handle a week of videos about the little extra in extraordinary.

Oh god, what have I done.

You guys. Seriously. Somebody get me a paper bag because I'm totally hyperventilating right now.

I just quit my full-time job to go back to serving.

Okay, I'm just kidding. About the hyperventilating part, that is.

I have indeed traded in my desk with the mountain view for a greasy kitchen floor with a view of the grill cook's butt crack. I've dumped a regular 8 to 5 gig with a steady hourly rate in favor of an ever-changing, uncertain schedule with impossible to predict financial returns. I've swapped clothing freedom and soft, painless feet for a rigid uniform and aching soles. I've thrown out scheduled breaks and lunches and dealing with a 100% digital product for hours of unbroken work and greasy ranch all over my fingers.

Or, to look at it another way ..... I've traded in sitting in one spot, growing ever fatter, developing carpal tunnel and thoracic outlet syndrome, and hating the walls around me, for constant movement and built-in exercise (okay, and probably still hating the walls around me). I've dumped listening to the same damn people sitting next to me talk every damn day, and having to watch what I say to them, for a constantly rotating cast of characters who will just laugh when I say something perverse. I've thrown out dealing with corporate attendance policies and rigid, inflexible hours for sleeping in, staying up late, and having the same schedule as most of my friends.

I never thought I'd do this. I'm even back at the same restaurant that 99% of these blog posts are bitching about. But I couldn't take the desk job anymore. I felt like my brain was rotting from the repetition of my job - and since it involved staring at a screen and reading all day, I found that when I got home I didn't want to do a lot of the things I enjoy - reading, writing, playing games - or like knitting or baking, I couldn't because my eyes hurt, my wrists hurt, my back hurt, etc. I hurt just as much from sitting all day as I ever did from serving - just in different places.

Then there was the time issue. Eight hours a day, five days a week - it sounds simple and normal, right? But I found it chokingly, miserably restrictive. Going to the doctor or getting to the bank to deposit money was a huge ordeal. Time off was sparse - I had the hours, but it was extremely difficult to get approval to use them. The inflexibility drove me crazy. And, I'm sorry, but waking up early fucking blows. People kept insisting my biorhythms would adjust, and yeah, it got a little easier after a year or so. But my body clock never truly re-set. I might fall asleep at ten and wake up at 6:30 a little before my alarm clock went off, but I was never rested, always groggy, grumpy, and ready to fall asleep again - including falling asleep at my desk more than once.

And, of course .... there's the money. My company used the same payroll service as the restaurant, so when I logged in to view my tax info, I could see my restaurant W2s for 2010 and 2011. Now, in 2010 I was gone for two months or more, flitting off to New York and California and friggin' England. In 2011, I was out for most of two months because CL was trying to get rid of me and was cutting my hours etc. Overall, I was working 30 hours or less a week. Guess what? At my desk job, averaging six hours of overtime a week, I only made a thousand dollars more in 2013 than I did in 2010 and 2012 at the restaurant - oh, and of course, that's only what I claimed. Hmmm ... 30 hours or less a week for the same amount of money as 46 or more? Let me think.

All of those things were building and frustrating me over a long period of months. Meanwhile, Mistress J was keeping me up-to-date on goings on at the restaurant. She had been furious and about to leave, because CL's replacement was a douchebag who promoted people with less experience while treating her like shit. And then the company told him to get the fuck out, and replaced him with someone awesome. I've never seen MJ so happy with her job and her boss. So for several months I picked her brain - what was business like? Were they still as busy? Was the new manager still cool? Did she flip out over little things? What's sidework like now? and on and on and on until she must have been fucking sick of me. I also re-read a lot of my own blog entries and other serving blogs to remind myself of what it's like.

But finally, after months of pondering (and not finding any other jobs that didn't pay even less for the same pains), some things happened that just pissed me the fuck off. I was given a final attendance warning because I was gone because my father was having emergency surgery (two surgeries actually, and my direct supervisors were as cool as could be about it, but the higher-ups made them "follow procedure.") At the same time, a lot of changes were made to our procedures that made everything more time-consuming and less efficient (but more ass-covering for the management). I also found out that new, temporary employees were making more than established people like me even after my fucking joke of a raise. Then, supervisors and people who had been with the company for 10+ years starting leaving at a rate that was just plain suspicious considering the amount of work the company has been outsourcing to India.

So ... I took the leap. I put in my application at the restaurant, Mistress J talked to the new boss, and she hired me back without even meeting me face-to-face, just based on what MJ told her! I put my notice in at the desk job; my last day was today*. My first day of "training" is tomorrow - luckily they're not going to make me go through the entire process if I can prove I don't need it.

HAPPY DANCE

I'm slightly apprehensive, but mostly I'm just freaking excited. I'll be working with friends - Mistress J obviously, plus Work Wife and Accent Girl are still there (so are Barbie and the Bug but I'm much less thrilled about that). I'll be able to give up shifts, pick up shifts, and generally have the flexibility I need in my life at this point. I'll get some exercise which is great because damn - I've always been fat, but I've never been THIS fat. I'll eat better because I'm much more likely to have healthy meals when I can just order them since I freaking hate to cook. I'll get to stay up late/sleep in. And cash! Glorious cash! In my pocket every day!
Hot damn!

And, I'll get my vacation time paid out from the desk job and that will be my savings cushion, plus I may just empty out my 401k for savings too - I wouldn't have gone back to uncertain income without something in the bank. I'll also still be working my pizza gig because I just plain like it!

I'm sure there will be moments I'll regret this. I'm sort of terrified I've made a huge mistake. My dad is going to have a conniption when I tell him. But for now, it feels right.

Oh - and just as I thought, CL had marked me as "not rehireable" for no reason (literally, she put no reason in my file). What a bitch.

*Okay, today as of the day I'm writing - I'm not going to post it until I've got a few entries written up to keep the momentum going.

Tears from a stone.

Sometimes I feel like trying to make tips is impossible for me. I feel like I give off a “don't tip me! Really!” vibe or something. It gets extremely annoying when my coworkers are walking with $100 on the same night I barely make $40. And it's truly not because I'm a bad server, goddamn it! I'm not talking about the nights I do poorly because I'm sucking at my job for one reason or another. I'm talking about overall, about nights when I'm at my cheerful perky perfect best.

So what the fuck? Is it like when people won't give homeless people money because they think they'll buy booze, only they think if they tip me I'll just buy baby-flavored doughnuts and get even fatter? Do I smell funny? Did someone curse me? I don't fucking get it.

I've decided upon a couple of tactics to combat this. The first is to just try to make myself stand out a little more. Corporate, of course, likes to specify every fucking thing down to the color of our undergarments (no, I'm not kidding). But the things they don't specify, I am going to fucking exploit, bitches! I wrote before about putting special buttons on my work shirt for that exact reason. They don't tell us how many bracelets we can wear, either.

And the things they specify that CL isn't a hardass about, I'm also going to exploit. For example, our earrings are supposed to be less than an inch long and no bigger than a quarter. Every once in a while CL goes through a phase where she decides to be all hardass about it, but for now I'm wearing my funky earrings. I'm also wearing my necklaces, rings, and bracelets more. I have a fuckton of jewelry that I haven't been wearing, so I might as well start again.

Eventually I'm going to make another cover to put on my serving book. My printer's dead, so I'll have to make up an image file and take it to Walgreens to print or something. I stopped because I felt like it was juvenile to have pictures of my favorite band on my book, but fuck that. Or maybe I'll put baby pictures of my cousins so people will assume they're my kids! Ha!

The other thing I'm doing seems almost contradictory. I've decided to stop being so fucking cheerful. I'm obviously not going to walk around showing my grumpy colors to everyone, either. I'm going to basically try to be calm and polite, because I think when I was cheery and perky people could tell it was fake. Not always; sometimes I really was in a cheerleader mood. But most of the time it was my waitress persona I'd slid in to thinking that's how I needed to be. So I'm trying to be more natural, relaxed.

I'm also considering starting to wear makeup again. Sigh. I hate wearing makeup. I forget it's there and smudge the crap out of it. I'm allergic to everything so my eyes itch nonstop, which makes mascara a real bitch. If I do decide to do the makeup thing again, I am so dyeing my eyelashes instead of fucking with mascara. I think I do get slightly better tips when I wear the crap, but god it's just such a hassle!

So far these things seem to be working. Here's hoping it wasn't just a temporary upswing, because I don't know what to do otherwise.

In regards to ....

In the homecoming post, Suzanne posted the following comment:

Okay, I'm going to go completely out on a limb here, and being anonymous, I gonna really not hold back. What the heck, call me a coward, I'll get over it.
To give you an idea of how often I eat out, here are some facts. I have never gone out for dinner with my parents in my life. I have been married 17 years to my hubby, and having 4 kids has seriously affected our finances, in that we go out for fast food maybe once every couple of months, and for a 'nicer' meal, like Swiss Chalet, once or twice a year.
I have to tell you that my jaw is dropping when I read your and other blogs like this. I thought you all were paid minimum wage, which as far as I know here in Canada is getting close to a very respectable $10per hour. I know that the polite thing is to tip, and we do, generally not more than 15 %, but here's my point. I thought that getting a tip was exactly what the word sounds like, an extra little something something for a job well done. From what I read here, it is tantamount to giving your waitress the finger, if you don't tip at least that regardless of service or quality of food. We work hard for our money, AS DO YOU, but is it really the case that when you don't tip (enough) you are really the lowest scum out there?
Suzanne

I wanted to address this fully, hence the post. First, being anonymous doesn't make you a coward--that only applies to the asshat who likes to anonymously troll my blog every few weeks! Nothing wrong with it otherwise.

I did a quick search, and it seems that servers in Canada do get minimum wage. In that case, a tip is absolutely an extra. If I got minimum wage for my job, I wouldn't bitch nearly as much as I do! Of course, if I got minimum wage I'd find some other minimum wage job instead--serving is worth it because of the potential to make more, and also because you get the cash in hand, now, and taxes are taken out of the wage you do get.

In my state, that's $4 an hour. It used to be $2.13; it still is in most states. I went years without getting a physical paycheck that was for more than $2 total. I think California is the only state where servers receive a true minimum wage. Everywhere else, servers get the shaft, and tips really do make up the vast bulk of our income. It's a sort of social contract; customers get lower food costs in exchange for the inconvenience of tipping. If that were eliminated, the price of menu items would go up. I wrote a blog post about it last year, but it's pretty long so I'll just summarize it.

At my particular restaurant, increasing server wage to minimum would cost the restaurant an extra $300 per day, a 42% increase. There are two ways to compensate for that: cut portion sizes, or raise prices. Either way is less hard goods for your dollar amount, and most likely the cost would just be tacked on to menu prices (as it was when the increase to $4 happened). If server wage were increased to minimum wage, a four person tab of $77 now would become $109--whereas with a 15% tip it's only $88.50.

Essentially, with the current system in the U.S., customers are paying for the foodstuffs, the cook's labor, and the operating costs such as electricity. When they don't tip, they're getting service labor for free--it's not included in the base cost of their food, after all. Furthermore, servers get taxed on the imaginary percentage they "should" be getting. A lot of people think that servers either get a fuckton of tips they don't claim on a good day, or on a bad day that they'll just claim what they get and that's that.

(This is about to get long, but I'm trying to be thorough.)

While I'm sure there are a few places that still happens, they're very few. Owners and managers of private restaurants have to make certain that their staff is claiming a certain percentage of the restaurant's total sales (I think it's 8%?) or risk getting audited. That may not sound like much, but if you factor in a bar, to go service, the regular dining area, and at some places banquet halls where. Bartenders may or may not get tips depending on the situation; to-go servers may or may not; banquet halls may have a self-service line and not have to pay a gratuity. There are a lot of sales with often only the dining area workers getting tips they have to claim. So even if the restaurant doesn't have a computer system that regulates what servers claim, the people in charge will monitor it.

If they have a computer system, as corporate restaurants do, it's even worse. Say I have $500 in sales. If it was all in cash, the system is going to require me to claim at least $50 in tips. If I got less, I can have a manager approve it--but again, they have to watch the overall percentage. I couldn't get away with consistently claiming less as it would trigger alarms in the computer system and I'd be questioned. So sometimes, because of that, I have to claim more than I made.

If that $500 was all on credit cards, it's even worse. At the end of the night, I go through each credit slip and enter the tip into the computer before running my checkout. When I clock out, the computer again wants me to claim 10% of that $500 even if every sale was on a credit card and the system knows I only have $40. Again, I can get the manager swipe, and it's less of an audit danger there as there's documentation .... but for a lot of reasons, sometimes I won't get that manager approval. Maybe I'm in a hurry and the GM is on the phone with her sister and ignoring her job or Lapdog is pissed off and not answering when he's spoken to.

The worst case scenario, though, is when every last sale is a credit card, and every last tip is on a credit card. If I get all my tips on credit cards, and they add up to $86, there is no way to claim less--even if I had to tip out $20. Or maybe I got $80 in credit cards and $6 in cash, then had to tip out $20--I still have to claim at least the $80. And then whoever I give those tips to has to claim them, and so the goverment basically gets to tax that cash twice.

Imagine this situation. I have three or four tables or two, and maybe I make $20 off of them in credit card tips. Then a table of twenty comes in an takes up my entire section for the rest of the evening. Their bill comes to $250, and despite them having a great experience, the old granny who pays doesn't leave a tip--and our system doesn't even have auto-gratuity capability.

My checkout slip reads $350 in sales, and when I check out I have to claim the $20 in credit tips. The manager saw me throwing things and/or crying in the kitchen, so he knows I got stiffed by the big party and swipes his card so I don't have to claim the extra $25 (minimum) I should have gotten from them. However, I still have to tip the bartender who made me twenty drinks during the course of the evening, and sometimes I have to tip a bus kid or two, too. So I get taxed on $20, and I only take home maybe $14 for six hours of work, plus I'm pissed off, plus the bartender and bus kids are pissed too because they got shorted.

Yes, it's an extreme example, but this has happened to me. In that case, those twenty people got my time, effort, and service for free, and they cost me money. Because I have to pay taxes on that $6 I had to claim, but also had to tip out. The same thing applies if it's a table of two who don't leave me 10% of a $20 bill. Is it a lot of money? No, but it adds up, and I don't go to work to pay to serve people their goddamn fried chicken! And certainly there are days when I make well above the 10% the computer requires me to pay ... but if the extra is on credit cards, I'm still claiming it. And if I don't, it's really only compensating for times when I lost out because of situations like the above.

So are people who don't tip the lowest scum on the face of the earth? No. They rank about pedophiles, rapists, and murders. But they are low-grade thieves, I think. And if your server provides good service, and if you're in a place with the social contract regarding tipping and low food cost, then not tipping at all is a huge finger to your server.

As far as not tipping "enough" ... well, that's subjective. If I get 10% off a couple of people who were low maintenance and polite, then I'm not thrilled but I'm not pissed. If somebody runs me like I'm doing a goddamn Jane Fonda workout video and then leaves me ten percent or less? I start having thoughts of stabbing.

On the other hand, if I screw up majorly, like I did with the steak guys, I expect nothing. If I'm mediocre and I know it (clap your hands), I don't get cranky about a mediocre tip. But if you're nice to my face and telling me what a great job I did, and if everything was perfect with your meal, and you tip my 5%? I'm going to remember you, and not fondly.

Similarly, if something is wrong with your food that is completely out of my control--say, a steak with a large vein of gristle through the center--and I fix it promptly and with an apology, and then you stiff me or short me? You will be remembered. Especially if because of that "error" you got your food for free! Now you've cost the restaurant money, you've gotten free food and labor, and you've cost your server some money too. Unless the server caused the error or was a bitch about it, there is no earthly reason to punish them! Why should I pay taxes on money I didn't get because a cow in Wisconsin grew connective tissue in an inopportune place?

Also, please keep in mind that blogs like this naturally highlight the best and the worst--there's a hell of a lot of in-between. Probably 50% of my customers don't tip me "enough" since the economy went tits-up, but unless it's under 10% or they were jerks, I'm probably not going to mention it here other than as part of an overview.

This may be a lot more info than you were looking for, especially since you're in a place where servers do get that minimum wage; but I'm wordy.

The server's book.

Every server has one; without it, most of us would be lost. Along with a practiced smile and an ability to tolerate utter assholes, it's a server's best friend. Sometimes it's a simple "guest check" pad jammed in a pocket. Other times it's a fancy affair with pockets for notepads and pen holders. Sometimes the type of book is designated by the restaurant.

At my first restaurant, I just carried a pad of guest checks in my apron pocket. The cardstock-like paper was sturdy enough to tolerate the abuse; the sheets were perforated to tear but only barely, so my orders didn't fall off. I'd ring in an order and then staple the ticket to the back so when the customer was ready to pay I could dispose of the whole thing.

When I started working at corporate restaurants, I had to adapt to the use of a black credit card presenter for my book. I tried my familiar notepad-in-the-pocket thing; but the notepads provided (and in more than one case, mandatory) were long enough to protrude out of the pocket, were made of flimsy paper, and were very poorly put together. After my first one fell apart because the rubber cement-like "binding" at the top came off, I gave in to the black book. It was also handy to hold my bank, something I didn't have to do at my first place.

I bailed on the corporate restaurants for about four years, and in fact got out of serving entirely for one glorious year. When I started again, I snagged a black check presenter for my book like everybody else. Some people had stickers on theirs, but they got gross and dirty and left a sticky residue, so I didn't want to bother with it.

Eventually, though, I got annoyed with the fact that my book only had one pocket, and was lacking one on the left side. The managers kept saying they were going to order ones with two pockets, but in the meantime someone told me to just take some tape and paper and make one. Of course, that looked terrible to have table wrapped around the book for no visible reason, so I decided to disguise it by decorating my book.

My first book was covered with pictures of a-ha's Analogue album covers and lyrics. Once crumbs had worked their way into the tape, and water had gotten in and made the ink run, I tossed it out and made a new cover--this one of my favorite LOLCats. Well, all except one, because those managers had a stick up their ass:
The LOLCat book was great because people would want to read the captions and talk about it. But when I started decorating my book, I actually expected to be told that wasn't "spec" and I couldn't do that. When I transferred to my current store, I still had the LOLCat book, and was surprised they didn't tell me not to use it--nobody there even has stickers except one server with a radio station bumper sticker on hers.

Sadly, my LOLCat book had an unfortunate incident with some Fat Tire and was totally ruined. Also ruined was an adorable "thank you" note from a little girl named Bree (she liked the stuff I recommended for her), which I had taped into the inside of my book.

That was in January, and I just hadn't gotten around to decorating a new book yet. This was partially because I was too cheap to buy an ink cartridge, and partially because I couldn't think of anything to put on it that didn't seem immature. My first instinct was to plaster it with pictures of Morten Harket, but I'm a little old for that sort of adolescent behavior at this point.

Using a plain, unmarked book was driving me crazy. Because it looked and felt like every other book, sometimes I'd leave it on a counter and then have to flip through a dozen books to find it again. It would get mixed up with other server's books. This is especially problematic when I have cash in there. So tonight I made up a 10X7.5 collage, printed it out, and "laminated" it on to my book with packing tape. I'll be able to identify my book at a glance, as will my coworkers; and it might even assist me in striking up conversation with customers if they recognize anything.

It's also one of the few things that can appear unique about me at work--we're required to have our hair back, not permitted to wear certain kinds of jewelry, have to wear head-to-toe black, have to wear a nametag and one piece of promotional crap--it short, the cookie-cutter look. They're always telling us to make personal connections, get to know our guests, have personality, etc., but the fatal flow with that plan is this: when we all look identical and interchangeable, customers don't perceive us as individuals. I'm forever being mixed up with servers who look nothing like me except for being fat, because most of the time customers don't retain anything but a vague impression of their server.

So in addition to making my book identifyable to myself, hopefully it will jog some customers into realizing that yes, I am an actual person with actual interests and life outside of the restaurant. A lot will remain oblivious, of course; but some are bound to say "Hey, I love House too!" or ask me if I even know what album that woman's face is from (yes, yes I do).

What's your serving book like? Is it strictly functional, or something unique to you? Is it bare minimum functionality, or does it have bells and whistles?

Advice to customers: when you're a camper.

On my "Days that make you hate your job" posted, Anonymous left an interesting comment:

I'm not a server or in the business, but feel for all of you who are, and love all your blogs. I'm not sure how to say this right, but please don't hate all of us "campers" before you've even had a chance to find out whether we'll leave a generous tip or not. There are times on my job when I have to wait out storms and don't like to do it in my truck, and am not allowed to go shopping. I usually will find a restaurant, order food and wait out the rain reading a book. I ALWAYS ALWAYS tip at least 100 percent and usually more for taking up someones table for so long even if I get the stink-eye from my server for "camping". I usually try to explain that I might be there a while, but I've never found a way to ensure the server that I'll compensate them well. How should I do that so they aren't so upset with me before I even get my bill? Maybe you could post a blog to let customers know how to go about this.

First, I think it's great that you even care--most people are just utterly oblivious, or they think "I'm the customer, I have a right to stay here as long as I want!" And the thing with campers is that it's all about context. I don't hate all of them, and I've been known to go to a restaurant for several hours too--but never during the prime hours.

(I'm going to use "you" throughout this, but I mean it in the general sense, not the personal.)

There are a couple of situations where you're going to be pissing someone off regardless. If it's prime rush time, say 11-2 or 5-8ish, you're significantly cutting into a server's profits if you're there more than fifteen minutes after you finish your food. Also, if you stay more than fifteen minutes after closing time, every employee in the place is pretty much thinking you're a douchebag.

Mitigating circumstances: a single person at a two-seater table who's polite and friendly is not going to be nearly as upsetting as a single person who's rude and bitchy, taking up a table that could seat four or more. After closing time, if there are multiple tables, we're going to be annoyed in general instead of at you in particular.

If you are going to be there during the dinner rush, ask for a closer's section. They have a lot more time to make money, so they'll be less annoyed. Don't take up a table bigger than you need unless there's a reason (like the chairs hurt your back but the booths are okay). During later hours, and if you see lots of open tables, it's not such a big deal. I don't care if somebody camps out at a booth the entire time from second cuts to close, generally speaking.

In general, be polite; and instead of trying to tell your server you'll be generous at the beginning, pay your bill promptly and let them take the credit slip/change right away. If you're worried about them ignoring you after that, just politely tell them you'll probably want a refill and to please check back. This also allows your sever to leave if they're supposed to be off the clock, instead of having to wait around making $2 an hour waiting to pick up your credit slip. They'll ask another server to keep an eye on you if that's the case.

We don't automatically hate all campers; a lot of it is about attitude. For example if the people who made me so angry on Tuesday would've sat at the bar for the first 2.5 hours they were waiting for the rest of their party, I could've run three groups of customers through that table and made some money. Instead, they took up my table and were rude to me to boot. The people having the meeting showed up during the dinner rush, knowing they weren't going to eat--so why go to a restaurant? It was also the combination of both of them sitting there at the same time that made me so mad, so some of it was just bad luck.

Any additional suggestions from fellow servers?

Maybe I'm the last person in the world to know this ....

But you can actually get pretty decent work shoes for cheap at Wal-Mart. TredSafe "bistro" shoes are really pretty good! I've only worn them two shifts, but I have yet to slip and crack my skull in the kitchen (and our tiles aren't really non-slip). They're fairly comfortable, and they my feet didn't get nearly as hot as when I was wearing "Skechers for work" shoes. The Skechers have better tread--with the new shoes I can feel a bit of slippage when I'm just pushing my foot off the floor to step, if the tile is wet.

But they were $22, compared to the $60+ for the Skechers, so I ain't bitchin.

Shorthand.

I've been noticing lately that a lot of my coworkers write down every single word of the order. They'll write out "7 ounce sirloin medium well mashed potato green beans" etc. At first I thought it was just brand-new servers, but some who've been doing it for at least a year do it as well.

Between that and somebody gawking at all the orders I had crammed on to a tiny page, it made me start thinking about my own shorthand. Some of it is pretty obvious--CFC is pretty standard for chicken fried chicken. "T" for tea is pretty simple. But I think some of it would confuse almost anybody. "H" is water. Why H for H20 instead of W for water? I have no idea. I've just always done it that way. "Ranch" is our buffalo chicken sandwich, whereas R is a salad with ranch, first out. "OR" with a R written in subscript is onion rings with a side of ranch. "2x" is one of the shrimp dishes, and "3x" is a three-cheese dish. CL is cherry limade, unless it has a subscript of "pt", "B", or "m", in which case it's a Coors Light.

And then some of it is just .... quirky. Green beans are always "gB" in cursive. Again, not really sure why; I think it has something to do with writing an ess-tzet (ß) when I was taking German, as that looks like a capital B. "rib" is short ribs, but "Rib" is baby backs. If something is circled it's a temperature for a steak; if it's underlined it's a pre-meal item. "spin" is either a spinach salad or a spinach dip, but I don't differentiate (unless I put a 1/2 in front for the smaller portion) for some reason. Some things (like "cf" for chicken fingers) are always in cursive, where as others ("BL" for boneless) are always in print.

What are your abbreviations or notepad quirks?

My grandma is a Bad Customer.

Last Friday I went out to lunch with my grandma, and realized that she really is the kind of person I'd hate to wait on. She answers "how are you?" with "I'd like iced tea with lemon". When asked if she's ready to order, she doesn't say "yes". She just says "I want the ...." even if the server has their hands full. It's a little thing, but it drives me nuts when people just dive into their order without me having a second to get out my notepad. Should I approach with my notepad out? Then people think I'm rushing them.

My grandma never says please or thank you. She never sets her plate to the side when she's done. On the other hand, she never rattles her glass at a server, snaps, whistles, etc., so I'm grateful for that. I'm not so grateful for the fact that she complains to whomever she's with.

When we went to lunch the other day, we went to a 50s-throwback burger joint. First, she was a little rude to our server. Everybody there has what are obviously fake names on their nametags ... but apparently she doesn't get it, because she looks at him, ignores his greeting, and asks, "How did you get a name like Cadillac?"

We ordered our drinks ("water AND" for my grandma), but when the nice waiter came back she didn't know yet what she wanted. So we ordered fried muchrooms (um, YUM!). About four minutes later, the waiter took our food order. We sat and talked; and we happened to be right by the kitchen, so I heard when one of the waitresses called to the cooks "Can I get fried mushrooms? They're on ten minutes." Thirty second after that, my grandma grumbles that our waiter is sure slow on those mushrooms.

If it'd been anybody else, I might've just gone off on them. It made me so mad. But I just quietly told her that it was in the cooks' hands now, and the waiter had nothing to do with it. She didn't seem to be listening. Thirty seconds after that, we had mushrooms. Now, if we'd ordered all at once, maybe 11 minutes to get our appetizer would've been long. But when you think about it, we'd only really put our menus down six minutes ago when we ordered our burgers, which I think is when most people would've subconsciously started the clock.

When he dropped off our food, our server told us very nicely that he would be taking a break, and Daisy would get us anything we needed. We started eating, and not too long after, the guy who greeted us asked how things were (manager type). His name tag said "Jughead". My grandma, again, doesn't answer his question and says, "You don't look like a Daisy!" Of course, "Jughead" had no idea what she was talking about--but my grandma is one of those people who thinks if you work in the restaurant, you know everything going on everywhere.

The rest of the meal was uneventful; but when the check came, she didn't ask me what to tip like she's been doing lately. I started stacking and organizing our plates so I had a line of sight to the check, and saw that she was leaving slightly less than ten percent! I debated whether to say something, but knew it wouldn't do any good. Luckily, I had cash in my pocket, so I tossed it on the table after my grandma had gotten up.

There was one time when I met her somewhere and she did that, and I didn't have any cash. She had to leave right away, so I pretending I was going shopping and walked across the mall parking lot to get to an ATM. Then I came back, got change from the bartender, and tracked down our server to give her a decent tip. At least she's better than my other grandma, who once left one of my coworkers a dollar on $30.

Anyway, I realized that day that my grandma really is the kind of person who would get under my skin if I were to wait on her. It's not that she's terrible and rude, or even super demanding ... it's just the little things like not answering questions, combined with being a subpar tipper. I didn't really realize it until I viewed our lunch experience through the lens of my job.

Maybe they "don't believe" in tipping

I had a table last night that I knew, from the start, wouldn't tip me. I've waited on them before, and they didn't tip me then. The waitress who was cut from the floor right as they sat down warned me.

But I thought, maybe they just thought they had bad service. I'll make an extra effort, and I'll make sure everything is perfect, and we'll see what happens. They were one of only two tables I had, and the other was sipping margaritas, so basically they had my undivided attention.

This table consists of a mom, her son, and her two daughters. One of the daughters is married, and they have a little teeny baby plus a two year old. Then there's a boy of about eleven, and I'm don't know how he's related--the rest of them are Hispanic, and he's blond and blue-eyed and bears no resemblance. Anyway, that's seven people who are eating plus a high chair taking up space.

They all had drinks; they all ordered meals, and two ordered well done steaks. I offered them a couple of little extras. I asked if they'd like me to bring out the toddler's food right away, so I brought out that and one girl's salad immediately. I kept their drinks full until dinner, nobody's ran dry. After that, I did forget one of their sodas for about five minutes while I was getting the sauteed mushrooms one of them said she ordered (didn't) and getting steak sauce, more ranch, etc. etc. The two younger kids had desserts, they said it was their birthday, but I think they said that last time too.

Their total ticket was $110. With the exception of the forgotten soda, and the mushrooms that weren't ordered, they had absolutely perfect service, with my undivided attention. Fifteen minutes after I left them the check, they asked me to split it. One person paid about $40 with a card, and the rest handed me a hundred dollar bill. I returned their card and their change within two minutes.

I suspected I'd get stiffed, so I wasn't upset when I found not a single penny left for me. I knew I didn't deserve it; I made a conscious effort to provide the best service possible I was irritated, but I didn't let it get to me. They do it to everybody. I don't know why, but I might ask them next time. What's the worst that can happen? They're already not tipping me. And maybe they think gratuity is added, or maybe the eleven year old who inexplicably handles the cash for them is pocketing the tip.

I wouldn't be rude about it, just sweetly mention that gratuity isn't included in the ticket. Or very politely ask them, "I remember the last time you were here, I didn't get a tip. Can you please tell what I did wrong so that I can improve my service to you?" Sure, maybe they'll call me rude and ask to speak to the manager, but if I handle it properly, the worst that will happen is a write-up, and like I care about that.

Or maybe they'll tell me they "don't believe" in tipping because the restaurant should pay my wage. I've been thinking about this, and here's what I've come up with:

The average restaurant only makes 15 cents on the dollar--the rest goes to food costs, labor, etc. It's a very slender profit margin.

On a weekday, my restaurant has two people do the opening sidework from 9-11 (4 labor hours). After open, we have eight people on the floor from 11 to roughly 1, but then there's finishing tables and sidework. So that's eight people from 11 to 3 (32 labor hours). Then maybe there's two from 3 to 4 (2 labor hours), 4 from 4 to 5 (4 labor hours), then another eight from 5 to 9 (32 labor hours), four from 8-10 (8 labor h ours), and two more until close at 11, leaving at roughly 11:30 (3 labor hours). Then there's the bartender, who also doesn't get minimum wage. If you assume one bartender with no overlap from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m., that's 14 labor hours hours.

So, in an average day, we have among waitstaff 99 labor hours if everything goes smoothly and nobody is waiting on campers, takes extra time on their sidwork, etc. Let's round that to 100 labor hours per day just for the servers. Forget about the hostesses and kitchen staff. In my state, servers get $4 per hour (it used to be 2.13!). Let's say that restaurants were requires to pay standard minimum wage to all servers; we won't factor in to this the fact that nobody would do such a demanding, shitty job for $7 an hour.

That would take the daily labor wages for waitstaff from $400 a day to $700 a day. That's a 42% increase out of the restaurant's pocket on a daily basis. So now, instead of making 15 cents per dollar sold, they're losing money. So naturally, prices go up by that 42%.

Say you and one other person go out to eat at .... I don't know, lets say Chili's. We'll say you just go very basic and order two waters and two $6 soup/salad combinations. You have a $12 tab. If you tip strictly on percentage, and till 15%, your total tab for two people will be $13.80. Maybe you'll go big and do 20%, for a $14.20 tab.

Try it with eliminating tipping. Suddenly, prices increase by 42%. Your $12 tab is now $17. You're paying more. And when you think about the fact that wage would probably have to increase to at least $10 to keep people in the place, your $12 tab would become $19.

Let's try a bigger meal. Four people, four basic margaritas ($25), an appetizer ($7), four ten dollar meals ($40), and a dessert ($5). Basic tab, $77. With fifteen percent tip, $88.50.

But if you apply a 42% price increase, your dinner is suddenly costing you $109. $123 with the 60% increase.

(I admit my math is simplistic. Restaurants would probably find other ways to cut costs, like using smaller portion sizes. So then you're getting less for your money, so I'd say it all evens out.)

Still think tipping is a bad idea? Then you're not standing on any idealogical grounds. You're just a cheap-ass douchebag. Go to McDonald's.