Former Crew (2012 and before)

The Restaurant

GM/Chicken Little: Our GM, who regularly thinks the sky is falling. Possibly needs medication. Nobody trusts her as far as they could throw her, since she has a habit of gossiping about everyone to everyone else, where everyone can hear her!

Lapdog: Named after a "House" quote about "because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog!" Possibly needs medication.

HotPants: New manager in his early 30s who thinks he's hot shit. This is his second time working for the company; the first time he was fired for sleeping with hostesses.

Junior: Newest manager, who seemed to be very cool. She was down-to-earth, helpful, fun to talk to, etc. Then it turned out she's a back-stabbing tale-telling bitch. She's a mini-Chicken Little.

Bitter Divorced Man: Manager who's sometimes a riot, and other times won't speak to anyone the entire shift. Possibly needs medication. Left to take a job with the government. I miss him. And the shots of Patron he used to pour me after work.

Pot Smoking Manager: Almost too laid-back for his own good. Says he doesn't self-medicate, but cheerfully admits he doesn't remember most of the 80s.

Monty: Has the same spiky hair and overall look as Ryan Reynolds did in "Waiting". He was originally hired as a manager; too bad about being on probation because of that DUI, Monty. After several months he was trained as a manager and transferred to another store; he's now been transferred back to ours.


Accent Girl: Her accent changes in the middle of sentences--she'll go from being Southern to being from Russia. She claims not to realize she's doing it, and yet it never happens when she's really involved in what she's saying.

Barbie and The Bug: Sister act detailed in their own post.

Benedict Manager: Used to be just a server, until she threw numerous people under the bus to get a relief manager position. I think she's starting to realize that was a mistake.

Boss: Pregnant chick who just transferred in. She's dating the GM of a nearby store, and apparently thinks she's better than everyone because of it. If she calls me "hon" one more time after telling me to do something I know perfectly well to do, I might just punch her in the fetus.

California Girl: Grew up in middle America, but seems like a surfer. Probably the best server in the place. Often calls me at three in the morning when she's had a few beers.

Cat-Eyes: Really nice woman who I close the store with several times a week, and who I went to high school with. But her eye makeup drives me absolutely insane, because she uses a heavy black kohl eyeliner all the way around her eyes, and then draws a thick sloping up from the corner of her eye almost all the way to her eyebrow.

Chrissy: She's Chrissy because she's from Ohio, no other reason! I'm not really sure what I think of her yet. Sometimes I think she's cool, and other times I think she takes this waaaaay too seriously.

Dolly: New bartender who is so far up the managers' asses she tastes their food for them. Thinks she knows everything because she "used to be a GM" at another restaurant. Claims she made $100k/year there (ETA: now she's telling people it was 150k). Uh-huh.

Eager Beaver: This is the FNG who's always willing to pick up a shift or a table--to the point of stealing tables--and who always knows everything. He flagrantly talks on his phone in the kitchen, drinks at the bar (employees aren't supposed to sit there), takes his tables' dishes out of the window no matter how many items are ahead of them, and leaves his personal dinner and drink mess for someone else to clean up every fucking shift. In short, he's a douchebag. And for some reason CL just fucking loves him. I think it's because he has a penis.

Fud: A nice woman, but has an annoying habit of expoing food and then yelling "hot FUUUUD" and standing there doing nothing waiting for someone else to pick it up. Unless it's for her table of course.

L's Arch-Nemesis: Imagine the tall, skinny, bleached-blonde popular chick from high school. You know, the one who people inexplicably wanted the approval of despite knowing she was a total bitch. The one who used her looks to get out of all the hard work and whose goal in life is to find a guy with money. Now put her in her late 20s, still a huge bitch, and add getting completely blasted drunk and getting screwed in bar parking lots. That's this chick.

Mistress J: A good friend of mine who used to be a dominatrix. She's harsh, sarcastic, bitchy, and hilarious. She also somehow makes a ridiculous amount of money--once corporate called to have the managers verify her credit card tips for one day because they were so extreme!

The Auctioneer: New expo who I originally thought was going to work out great. His first week out of training was a little rough with him forgetting sides, ignoring mods, etc., when he got busy .... and he never progressed beyond that. Half the plates go out missing something, sometimes something important like the freaking meat. I also think he's on some sort of drugs, because by the middle of his shift he is yelling non-stop the same stuff over and over at breakneck speed. "Hot food 62, hot food hot food hot food! Hot food 62!" It drives everybody fucking crazy, does he think saying it four times in fifteen seconds will actually accomplish anything? He'll then wait about ten seconds and start up again. "Hot-food-hot-food-hot-food, hot food 62 hot food 62."

Maybe he's got OCD.

The Lawyer: Very book-smart woman who finished law school last year, but makes just plain idiotic personal decisions.

Work Wife: She and I used to close together all the time, and whenever we work together we're constantly talking. We actually have very little in common, I'm just now realizing, but we're always giggling. She keeps saying she's going to quit and go to work at another restaurant next year when her oldest song starts first grade, and I'm dreading that day.

AA: Mid-twenties and trying to put her life back together after realizing she has a drinking problem. Hilarious and smart and someone I really like ... when she's not complaining non-stop. She left to go work at another restaurant and quit about a week later.

Brainless: Not as bad as she used to be, but still a source of hilarity. And irritation because she tries to get out of her sidework every shift. Was promoted to bartender and fired the next day by the area manager because she received four guest complaints in one weekend.

Dallas: Worthy of her own entry. As of this post, she's pregnant again. She was fired basically for refusing to show up for mandatory meetings. Because she's special and shouldn't have to!

Flirty Priest: Cuter than a basket of kittens, foul-mouthed and foul-minded, flirts with everyone with tits .... and is attending a Christian college to be become a minister.

Fringe: Really a nice woman, but her hair drives me absolutely insane. It's a medium length with lots of layers, and her bangs pretty much are always in her face and covers one eye. I want to grab her by the head and braid her hair back because I find it incredibly annoying to talk to someone when you can only see half of their face. She got pissed off at the high-pressure sales crap and just plain left!

Idiot Expo: Started out as a cook but couldn't hack it; was moved to expo and sucks at that too. Apparently can't read, because every order that has mods is missing something--extra plates, three sides of ranch, whatever. After a month, I lost hope. Got a new job and posted "FUCK YOU (RESTAURANT)!" on his FB page, then called and pretend he was so sorry to be quitting without notice. Smart.

Judge Judy: Anyone who does anything differently than her is "a fucking idiot." Acts like she's so much better than everyone around her, and yet expects ridiculous amounts of sympathy for her personal problems. Ice on the counter pisses her off, and she sweeps it on to the floor; when I pointed out someone could slip, her response was "You should be wearing non-slip shoes." JJ was forced out by Chicken Little when she quit spying for her, it was a big to-do.

Miss Entitlement: One of CL's little favorites, she constantly pushes in front of people, demands other people do things for her when we're all busy, tries to skip out on her sidework, and acts like the world owes her something because she had a kid two years ago. Quit to go work at a wing-slingin' place.

Native: Dresses like an Indian; her goggle marks around her eyes are a hilarious contrast to her 'native' skintone. Quit to work somewhere else.

Pennsyltucky: Grew up in this state, yet has affected such a banjo-twanging accent that I can't understand what he's saying most of the time. He's 19 and thinks he's got the world by the balls. Was fired for serving alcohol to an underage girl; he wanted to go smoke so he didn't want to take the time to find the virgin daiquiri button.

Pixy: I don't really know why she looks pixy-ish to me; she has chin-length straight brown hair and a septum piercing that she flips up into her nostrils while working. Kinda grosses me out actually. She quit because they were cutting her shifts and constantly pressuring her about her upsell percentage.

Rehab: Incessantly screaming know-it-all lifer who was a lot more fun before she quit drinking. When she gets near me, my skin tries to crawl away. I have no idea why, just something about that woman is off. She was fired after screaming at coworkers for months, throwing ranch grenades at us, and finally kicking my work wife.

Snitch: This girl is best buddies with CL's sister, and so of course with CL as well. You can imagine what working with her is like. Finally got sick of the drama and quit.

The Irrepressible L: One of my best friends, and one of only three people I know who I've trusted to know about this blog. I've written about her a few times, mostly notable when Chicken Little tried to force her out of the restaurant by making shit up. I miss working with her, because she's a riot, but she's much happier now -- she runs her own business, and I'm quite jealous that she has the guts and capability to do it! She's probably one of the most positive people I know, and one of the few I think I have absolutely nothing sarcastic to say about. Well, except maybe 'what a presumptive bitch for thinking she deserved her own bio'. ;) Hahaha! She's also written her own bio for us!

The Anti-Me: This chick has the same name as me, and she is a red hot fucking mess. A compulsive liar, a lazy sidework shirking fuckup, and oh yeah, a total psycho. She once put her hand between a table and the wall and repeatedly slammed the table on her wrist to get out of sidework! CL sent her to the ER, and Anti-Me came back with her wrist taped and a note saying her hand was broken but she could work. After a couple of days of watching her walk in circles demanding other people do her job, CL told her she couldn't work until her hand healed. Apparently ultimatums have the power to heal broken bones in a week, because Anti-Me was suddenly fine the next day. Fired for lying to customers, ostensibly.

The Vomit-Worthys: Married couple. She never misses a chance to call someone out about something and is always on the warpath about some little, insignificant thing she thinks the rest of us should be doing. Her husband is a nice enough guy--slightly creepy, though, as he gives backrubs to the other waitresses when his wife isn't around. When she is around, though, they earn their moniker--I think I know more about their sex life than my own. They've recently spawned, which makes me shudder. She quit working after the baby was born, and he quit to go to a new restaurant opening in town. I bet he'll be back.

Wannabe: Hostess who does productions with the local theater company and thinks she's going to make it big someday (despite, uh, sucking). Mildly annoying, but I was learning to live with it until it turned out she's a two-faced squealer who rats people out to Chicken Little! And then she became a server, so now every shift she works is like being stuck in an episode of "Glee".

Wide-eyes: Has constantly bugged-out eyes she accentuates with tons of eye makeup, making her look perpetually shocked. Whines constantly about everything, shoves people out of her way when she wants to get to the computer, and basically acts like we should all bow down to her. Oh yeah, and she screws up non-stop. The managers finally realized this and she was eventually fired for not showing up to a mandatory meeting!

Former Call Center Crew

Frat Boy: My team leader, who looks like he should be connected to a beer bong. Spiky hair, preppy clothes, constantly laughing and swearing up a storm. I like him. Except when I need an answer to a question and he's wandered off somewhere to talk to people, which happens every couple of hours.

Fungus: Frat Boy's buddy who's constantly posting things on our group chat like "Frat Boy likes (picture of sheep)". Honestly, I don't even know which one of the guys on my team he is, because nobody's ever pointed him out to me. But someone said he grows on you, and I immediately said "Oh, so he's a fungus." That of course diverged into a workplace inappropriate conversation about where his brand of fungus grows.

K2: Don't worry about why he's called that, it's not relevant to his work. He was in my training group and is now on a different team, but we chat back and forth a lot. I reminds me of someone, and at first it really bugged me, but now I like him. And I suspect he might like me in more than a friendly way.

The Russian: I was sitting next to this girl whenever I could at first, because she was friendly; she doesn't have an accent but apparently she was born in Ukrania. Yes, I know that's not Russia, but everyone on the team teases her about "oh, don't they have tomato soup in Russia?" and assorted other shit. I can't sit by her now, though, because the way she talks drives me absolutely insane. Her grammar is atrocious, her inflection is terrible, and half the time she says words completely wrong or uses just a completely incorrect word. I want to leap out of my chair and club her every time I hear her respond to a customer's request with "I'd be more than welcome to take care of that for you!"