Saturday, February 20, 2010

Oh! I forgot I'm stupid.

Last night, for the second night in a row, I walked in to a three table section. Two of those tables were full. It was like a repeat of the night before. The last two nights, I've left with $50 and %70 respectively on fucking closing shifts. And the only reason I even made that much was because I got several 30% tips both nights. I'm trying not to get too bent out of shape about it--it happens. Everyone has bad luck sometimes, where they get that section and it's sat with squatters who start erecting like napkin huts to sleep in and hoarding melting ice cubes for the coming drought. Then when they finally move on, leaving their refuse behind, your tables are re-sat with Ma and Pa One-Foot-In-The-Grave and a couple of teenagers sharing a milkshake.

Anyway, my second table last right was two pushing-elderly couples. "Water with lemon" was a fucking epidemic last night, so I wasn't surprised when only one of them ordered anything else. When I delivered their drinks, they were still talking amongst themselves as to the best way to fleece the restaurant .... I mean, milk our promotional deals for every penny they're worth ... I mean get a good deal. No, wait, I meant the first one. They were so busy with this not a single one of them acknowledged me. So, I scooted off to greet my new table.

When I came back, the four of them were still talking, but it seemed to be general chatter. So, I asked if they'd made any decisions about dinner. The bitch on the left looked up at me, held up her menu, and made this flourishing gesture with her hand. "Yeeee--eeeesssssss." she said, like a thirteen year old girl when asked if she did her homework. Then she stared at me as if waiting for something. I don't know what it was; I just asked what she wanted.

So she ordered, then her husband. Then I got the other woman's order, and I was just asking her husband what he'd like when the first woman interrupted me. She started waving at me, arm thrust out as far as possible, like she was waving at somebody across the room. "Hellll-looooooooo!" I blinked at her. "We both like the steak and salad!" she gestured at the woman across from her.

I fought not to say, "Okay." and make her feel stupid, because she just kept looking at me! When I wasn't immediately forthcoming with some sort of appropriate butt-kissing, she started stuttering and stammering. I don't know what she expected me to say. The other woman finally asked if they could have another plate. But they all talked to me as if I were a dog that just couldn't quite understand.

Throughout their meal, they ignored me. I really hate it when I stand at a table trying to check on them and they act like I'm invisible. The only time they acknowledged me without me just plain interrupting them was when the less-rude woman asked for more dressing for the salad they were sharing. Immediately after that, of course, the other woman, who had so much food packed in her face she looked like a chipmunk, starting frantically flapping her hands and rolling her eyes at me. She kept making this little round gesture with her fingers, so I finally guessed she was asking me for the same dressing her friend had just asked for. Then the woman who'd originally asked me for dressing asked for it again, despite the fact I hadn't even taken a step away from the table yet!

And again, when they wanted boxes, they felt the need to tell me three times that they wanted two extra dressings to take home. I managed not to tell them I have ears and don't need to be told repeatedly, but I think it still showed on my face.

Perhaps the weirdest thing was that the "hellloooooo!" chick kept winking at me every time she spoke.

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