Thursday, June 4, 2009


I decided that was my word of the week last night, even before discovering my money was missing. Some example of cunt-tastic behavior from the last week or so:

-Last week, the manager divided up closing sections in a very odd fashion. Instead of giving everyone square-ish sections, he'd done long rectangular sections ..... because we had a 24 top coming in. I nearly gave up my close right then, since they'd be in my section. I hate big tables, as they almost never tip me well in this place. But I'd been sick the night before; I needed the money; I had to at least try. They were due between nine-thirty and ten, so when I got a table of nine at about 8:45 I figured it'd work out perfectly. One of the guys at that table was a total jackass; several of them were very bitchy; I only got ten percent despite them running me. But whatever. They're not the cunt-tastic ones.

The cunt-tastic ones are the twenty-four top who showed up at nine. And it turned out to be ten adults and fourteen of their crotch-spawn, of some church variety. They put the kids in four booths, and the adults at one long table. They tipped me decently, percentage-wise; but I'm calling them cunt-tastic because of their attitudes--especially of the children, who kept clogging up the aisle, moving from table to table, yelling and screeching, demanding refills every time I walked by even if they'd just asked me ten seconds before. Also everyone ordered drinks and food at separate times. And their total bil between of all of them was $140 because they had three entrees, one dessert, and six half-priced appetizers. And they hung around forever. And the kids broke their crayons and threw them all over. And they all talked to me like I was an imbecile. Saving grace? They didn't want separate tickets.

-Then there were the teenagers who tried to give me $10 less than their bill was, threw another tenner at me when I pointed it out, and left me a six cent tip.

-And the other teenagers next to them, who were snotty bitches, camped out forever, were a big mess and inconvenience, and left $4 on $56. It wouldn't have pissed me off so much if it hadn't happened within thirty seconds of the six cent "tip".

-Then there was the couple last night with their daughter; $1 on $40 for excellent service. They looked sort of familiar, and when I saw that "tip" I remembered they've done that before. I tried to fix their faces in my memory so next time they're getting bare minimum service. She's slightly chubby with chin-length blonde hair; he's got dark hair and earrings; their daughter is about three. I'm hoping writing that down will help me recognize them next time.

-I almost forgot about the table of eight soccer moms who came in on Monday. It would take pages to describe all the events, so I'll try to sum up: rude, demanding, ordering one at a time, ordering waters individually every time I came by the table, trying to get discounts, joking about my tip, talking and laughing at ear-splitting volume. I got behind on all my other tables because of these bitches, and their tip didn't make up for it.

-The old people who come in every Thursday and order the same thing and complain every damn time. They choose their own table, conveniently located where his motorized cart can be the most in the way, since he has to have it next to him with his elbow resting on it the entire time. They don't answer questions, they look like they've been sucking on lemons, they bitch and get free food every time, and about 80% of the time they try to leave less money than they owe for their bill.

-The fuckers who order a ribeye and then complain it's "too fatty". It's a fucking ribeye, people.

-The people who come in close to close every week, order a ridiculous amount of food, complain every goddamn time, and take 90% of their food home in boxes before leaving a five percent tip.

Still, all of these bitches pale in comparison to the most Cunt-tastic Cunt Of Them All. Because you see, I've finally figured out where my money went last night.

Last night's business came in waves, and at the end of one wave three tables left at once. Two paid with credit cards; one (table 19) I saw putting money in the book from across the restaurant. A few minutes later, one of my other tables (24) was ready to go. I left what I thought was their ticket; I was just stacking a couple of dishes up when I heard the woman say her check was ready to go.

When I turned around, the book looked weird--propped open. When I picked it up, it had cash in it, plus the credit slip from table 18 and a pen. I forget what I said; some sort of expression of confusion. The lady laughed and said she thought it looked like a weird ticket. I gave her cash back, apologized, and said I must've left the folder with her ticket on the counter. Ran and got it; she gave me $30, I took her change. That was the only change I had to make that night, and I triple-counted it, so I know I didn't give her the incorrect change.

Today, though, it all fell into place, because I realized a host cleaned off 19 for me--I just walked up and it was cleared off. Not unusual. I thought I had picked the book up at the time--things were a little hectic, though, and I was wrong. I'm 99% sure that the hostess, trying to be helpful, put 19's cash in 18's book after clearing the table. I then jammed that book in my pocket. Ten minutes later, I set it down on 24, thinking it was their ticket--which I know I'd printed and put in my apron pocket, but must've removed at some point without realizing it.

All of that is my fault--I'm aware of that. I should've been more cautious, should've checked before setting the book down, etc. I'm wicked fucking pissed at myself. But I'm even more pissed at the dishonest bitch who opened that book, saw what was in there, and decided to pretend that money was hers. She basically got paid $9 to eat dinner there--make that $6, since she left me $3 out of the $30 she took from me. So I lost my tip off table 19 and paid for 24 to eat, basically.

Like I said, I should've been more careful; ultimately the fault is mine. But I still hope karma gives that bitch a swift kick in the twat for taking advantage of a stranger's honest mistake.


G.H. said...

Wow. Not cool. The lady that took your money, that's totally unacceptable.
I think about last week when I went grocery shopping and forgot to put the milk on the counter cause I left it under my cart. I paid and was bagging my stuff when I realized, so I told the cashier and handed her cash for the milk. Is it just me or would most people have just snickered and walked away with a free milk??!

People are fucked in the head.

purplegirl said...

Yeah, most people would've just walked away. It's sad.

Banquet Manager said...

I love the title.