Saturday, March 26, 2011

Guest post: Waitress, there is a goldfish in my beer!

Today's guest post comes from my favorite gift-card-giving-blogger, SkippyMom! If you'd like to join the guest post queue, please email your entry to slightlycranky at!

True story:

Way back in the day I was a waitress. It was a wonderful job with
flexibility for school [then family] and afforded me nice money on a
nightly basis.

One Thursday evening I was working the cocktail shift at our
restaurant which was located near a business park. Every evening M-F
we had our regulars. Folks that worked in the park that would stop for
a beer or three before heading home. This particular Thursday I had a
party of 10 regulars that came in to celebrate a co-workers birthday.

And these folks were hell bent on drinking this guy under the table.

They were a fun group of people I had waited on in various groups of
twos and threes, but never all 10 of them at once. They weren't
exactly running me into the ground, but they were drinking so much
that by the time I dropped off one round of drinks I was headed back
to the bar for another round.

Then one of the gentlemen sitting at the opposite end of the table
from the birthday boy stood up and followed me back to the bar where I
was ordering their drinks from the bartender. He asked if he could
please have the birthday boy's next draft beer order. I asked him why
as I didn't want him drugging the poor man [they were already plying
him with shooters, shots and beers - he was wasted and the night was
still young.] The man held up a plastic bag with water in it and
showed me a goldfish.

A live goldfish that he now wanted me to put in birthday boy's drink.

Um....No. I did hand him the beer tho' and wished him luck. And
wouldn't you know? Luck was on his side that night because he managed
to get that poor fish in the guy's drink and serve it too him. The
birthday boy took a few sips while the table broke down in hysterical
laughter. Then he noticed the fish and all of a sudden he starts

"Waitress! OH WAITRESS! There is a goldfish in my beer! Oh waitress!"

As the rest of the restaurant went completely silent I ran over to
remove his glass and apologize but he wouldn't let me take his glass.
He thought it was great and he was going to drink that beer. Ohhhhkay
sir you are seriously inebriated. I convinced him to relinquish it,
grabbed him a new beer and managed to get the poor fish out the beer
and into a cup of tap water.

The best part of the night? My tip! Since it was a party of 10 I was
allowed to add 15% gratuity -to a $400 bill- $60.00! Cha-ching. That
was a lot of money for me at the time and I was so excited. Still, it
was to get better.

I always explained to my "auto grat" tables that the tip was included
so there wouldn't be any surprises. This table wasn't having it. They
insisted that I go back to the kitchen and find a bowl. A bowl?
Again...ohhhhkay? [Drunks, gotta love 'em] I retrieved the only thing
I could find - a huge pail we mixed greens in. I handed it over,
wished them a happy evening and proceeded to go and check on my other

Do you know what they did? They passed the pail around the table and
everyone was to throw in additional tip for me because I had "done
such a great job"! The total that came out of the pail?

$196. One hundred and ninety six dollars. I am not kidding. I still
remember the total to this day as I did try to argue and return some
of the money because, seriously, they were drunk and they didn't
realize how much it was until I pointed it out. They said nope, bid me
a good night and proceeded to pour themselves into various taxis lined
up out front to ferry them home to a sure to be had hangover the next

So for a few hours of serving drinks I made $256 and I got a goldfish
out of the deal! :D

And do you know? That little sucker lived for about six more months.


SciFiChick said...

Skippy I had no idea you were "one of us" LOL What a catch!

SkippyMom said...

Wow PG thanks so much - that was fast. :) I am so honored.

And yeppers SFC - was a waitress for years - loved [most of] it.

Thank you PG. I really appreciate.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Now that was a tip! Good for you and I bet you were great dealing with those folks. What a great story. Have fun today. Wish I was with you and Pooldad instead! Ok, off the couch and into the packing mode. Love you!

ellen abbott said...

I can't believe that goldfish survived being in beer and chlorinated water. I knew they were tough but beer?

theblonde said...

oh. my. god. Now THAT is a serving story.
I can't believe the fish survived and good for you for getting that tip!

Linda in New Mexico said...

Great Skippy story as always....and dam girl, that's what I call a tip.
The Olde Bagg

bruce said...

nice post skippster!

love the fact that the fish lived but i bet it too was a tad hungover the next couple days!

Mynx said...

I want to know what you called the fish. Wonderful post Skippy

Sandra said...

$256.00...that would have been almost a rent payment when I was in my early 20s!
Love the goldfish in the beer thing though. Wish I was more of a party animal. I somehow don't think putting a goldfish in a cup of tea would have the same effect.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

heck, that would have paid my rent and my car payment for the month! wow - what a tip! sounds like a great time was had by all.

lol about the fish!

RV Vagabonds said...

A great waitress deserves a great tip. Love this story and yay for you for rescuing the goldfish which you then named....Nearbeer? (and that goes way back to my college days in the dark ages)

Mountain Mama said...

What a great post! I was a waitress for years (met my husband doing it...he was a cook and we worked the graveyard shift together...Fun! Fun! Fun!) Your story brought back alot of memories for me. I made some great tips, but NEVER as big as the one you got. I still have some momentos from customers that I will save forever (notes and little poems they left complimenting me on great service, a necklace one gave me just because I filled his coffee repeatedly without him having to ask me, and some shells a little girl once gave me from a trip she'd taken to the beach before coming out to eat with her family and meeting me :)
Being a server is a tough job and not everyone could do it (at least not well.) You have to be organized and be able to think on your feet. It sounds like you went above and beyond the call of duty with the goldfish and were well compensated for your troubles...always good to hear since customers don't do that type of thing nearly often enough!
I honestly look forward to going back to doing it (at least part time) when my son gets a little older. Some customers are a real pain in the butt, but all in all it can be alot of fun and a great way to earn a living.

fuckmytable said...

Skippy, I didn't know you were one of us! Sweet...I didn't know that it was possible to like you more than I already did, but apparently I can!

That's a horrible prank but I can't deny that I would have laughed my ass off.

Kudos to you for not taking advantage of their state. I would have done the same thing. But it's pretty cool that you still got to keep it all!! :)

fuckmytable said...

Oh, and pardon me..."Oh, waitress!"??? You have a name, dearie. If someone hollered, "Oh waitress," to me, they'd get a big heaping of ignoring them, followed by a, "Oh, you were talking to ME? Try using my name next time."

Sorry, it just irritates me when I'm reduced to a thing instead of a person. I've got a name and I tell every table what it is, so if they want something they'd better either use it or address me with "miss" or "ma'am". Especially if they want something before the end of my shift.

The Adorkable Ditz said...

XD That is hilarious! Good thing they were just the loopy kind of drunks instead of violent ones!

yellowcat said...

Great story! I've tended bar a few times and I make great money, but there comes a time, real soon, where I want to start stabbing drunks. It's not the place for me.