Interacting with the public every day means servers are exposed to an endless array of people telling the same tired jokes. I can't even bring myself to fake a laugh at them anymore most of the time.
For example, there are a lot of answers to "Can I bring you anything else?" that aren't funny:
"A million dollars!"
"A winning lottery ticket."
"Some fifties and hundreds."
"A hot blonde/rich doctor/cabana boy/a different spouse/better behaved children/any other human being."
Likewise, it's not amusing when we offer you an appetizer/drink and you say "If it's free!" If it's 7:30 and I tell you happy hour ended at 6, it's not cute to say "Oh, well it's not six yet right! (wink wink)" That's not going to get you anything cheaper.
When we deliver the ticket, you really just look like an asshole when you say things like, "Oh, we don't want that!" You also sound like an insensitive bitch when you joke about "Don't mess up his order, he's tipping you!"
If you order the double-caramel-chocolate-fudge-almond-flourless-death-by-sugar cake with extra ice cream, don't ask me to "remove the calories" for you. You just sound like an insecure idiot.
And then there are the people who just don't give up on trying to make you laugh at their stupid jokes. Yesterday, I had a table of four regulars. Every time they come in, one of the old men orders a "diet water". I just smiled and said okay and got everyone else's drink orders. Apparently his wife wasn't happy with that, because she had to comment on, "She didn't even blink! Ha ha ha!" Well of course I didn't, he's ordered "diet water" from me once a month for the last year.
When I came back with the waters, he smiled at me and asked if it was diet. Grr. I said I sucked all the calories out personally, and his wife once again said something stupid. Then, when she ordered, she purposely mispronouned "tilapia" as "tie-lap-aye-uh"--and then commented on "nothing gets to you!" with a big laugh. Ha. Hahahaha. HA.
People also like to joke about the authenticity of their money--because counterfeiting and credit card fraud are hilarious:
"Oh good, it went through. I just picked that card up in the parking lot!"
"I printed that $20 this afternoon! Looks real, right?"
"Don't take that card, it's not his. Ha ha ha."
The one exception? Yesterday, I had a table full of state troopers. One gave me three shiny dollar coins as a tip, and when I commented on how cool they looked he said, "We just printed them!" His buddy says, "You print money, we minted those." That shit was funny.
Now, every server I know enjoys some clever repartee with their customers. But if your quip involves your server delivering the impossible, you getting something free, or joking about if you're paying with real money/going to tip, I can almost guarantee it is not clever.
Fellow servers, what are some of the other thoroughly eye-stabbingly "amusing" lines you hear every day?