Monday, May 16, 2011

Diagram situation.

All restaurants have a crazy web of relationships, but lately mine is getting on my nerves. I've tried to organize this in to some logical order, but it just doesn't work!

To start with, we have five sets of siblings now: Cali Girl and her sister, Accent Girl and Fud, Kate and Ally, Barbie and the Bug, Snitch and Madison. So of course there are built-in alliances and problems right there.

Barbie, Bug, and Cathy all used to work together at another restaurant, as did the Lawyer and Fringe. Judge Judy, the Lawyer, and I all worked at the same restaurant in high school. Snitch used to work for CL's sister. Barbie is engaged to Native's oldest brother, and Wannabe is infatuated with her youngest brother.

Tiffany used to work at the bar frequented by most of the staff; the other bartender there tried to date-rape my friend S (who used to work with me), and possibly slipped Anna a roofie at one point. People still go there, though, because he stays open way past close just for my coworkers.

Cali Girl's sister lives with Wannabe and one of the other stupid little host girls (who used to date Pennsyltucky), and they're always fighting about things with the house. And even customer's aren't safe: CG's sister is dating the nephew of a couple of regular customers, and Wannabe is off-and-on dating another one, and I have a raging crush on another, and the Lawyer has her eyes on another. Oh yeah, and my crush's best friend was always trying to get into the pants of both Wide-Eyes and Brainless, and my crush originally had the hots for Pixy until he found out she was engaged. And one of the bar regulars was obsessed with S, and his friend is regularly banging Wide-Eyes, who's not allowed in the restaurant anymore because CL was going to get a restraining order against her. And one of Wide-Eyes' good friends still works with us.

The Lawyer slept with one of the dishwashers and they're always flirting, but she's also sleeping with Anna's loser brother on a regular basis. He used to live with S, and he's possibly Dallas' second baby daddy. The Lawyer's also best friends with Benedict Manager.

The woman I think is our best expo is dating one of the cooks; and then there's the Vomit-Worthys, although I don't think Mrs. Vomit-Worthy has worked a shift since popping out their kid in November, so right now there are no problems there.

Chrissy is moving in to a house with Kelly, who's dating Nick. Nick and Chrissy are also friends, but Chrissy sided with Kelly when Kelly and Nick were breaking up every other week because of different things. One of those things came about largely because a girl who used to work with us exaggerated a situation involving another bitch who still works with us; that girl is living with a former manager who was transferred to another store and used to date my old roommate (who also worked with us) and slept off a few drunks on my floor. And my old roommate is friends with Kelly.

Chrissy was dating one of the cooks, Mitch, but then they broke up and they're not speaking (then they are, then they're not, then they are …..). And Chrissy thinks (or thought? I try not to mention it anymore!) that my friend L (Hi L!) is nuts because L is friends with Mitch, and I let it slip that L had noticed that Mitch had defriended Chrissy on Facebook, so Chrissy thought L was a crazy stalker, and then Cali Girl went and told L that, and for all I know told Chrissy she'd told her. And at one point Cali Girl got drunk and told Kelly she wouldn't trust Chrissy and Nick to hang out together, so Chrissy and Cali Girl were on the ropes for a while.

And quitting doesn't get you out of the drama, either. I think I'm on CL's permanent danger list because I'm good friends with L, and the Lawyer is probably on the same list because she's friends with Anna, and Mistress J is probably there too because she's friends with a girl who got fired for an absolutely insane reason I haven't even written about. And Work Wife too, because she's seriously involved with one of the cooks who quit with very little notice.

Dolly, Benedict Manager, Snitch, Wannabe, Miss Entitled, and Stan (one of the cooks) are all little snitches for CL; Mistress J is in tight with Lapdog. Cat-Eyes adores HotPants and is kind of one of his favorites; I think Nick is too. And I'm on Pot Smoking Manager's top ten list, along with Cali Girl, Chrissy, and a couple of others. So of course whenever there's any managerial tension it trickles down to us.

But the absolute crowning glory of this whole diagram situation is this: HotPants, who's got several kids with his long-term girlfriend, is sleeping with Chicken Little's sister.


DMT said...

Have you ever thought of writing a script for a rom com or trashy Mexican soap? Your job is a writers gold mine

Anonymous said...

Crimson Crustacean here:

Jesus Tits woman...My brain hurts just trying to work out the lines on that one...How does anyone get any work done?

JoeinVegas said...

More confusing that the old daytime soap operas.

SkippyMom said...

I think my eyes are bleeding.

How do you keep up? lol

Vicki said...

That sounds about right for a restaurant...=D

purplegirl said...

DMT, I'm pretty sure this blog will eventually be a book. I'm not sure even a soap could handle the ins-and-outs of all the stuff with my coworkers! Like Joe said, super confusing!

Crustacean, my brain hurt the whole time I was writing this!

SkippyMom, I felt like my brain was dissolving under the stress. But typical for a restaurant like Vicki said!

DMT said...

@Purplegirl You have a point, Lost was confusing but this is a whole new level

savingmalachi said...

Oh my god, it hurts...So many people! And of course writing something like this means keeping track of pseudonyms which can be exhausting on this scale.

I hope it's a book. I will totally be reading it to my kids at night =)

Jen said...

I second Vicki's comment. This all sounds familiar and quite typical for any restaurant, no matter what size, location and cuisine!

Mitch said...

My restaurant pales in comparison