Saturday, February 5, 2011

Sorry, Shirley.

We all know how bloody fucking obnoxious kids are with their Shirley Temples. The grenadine is sticky, the cherries are a pain to fish out, and the little bastards suck them down like liquid crack most of the time. And I absolutely hate dealing with those damn cherries.

See, our little pans of cherries are fucking disgusting. The pans are never covered -- because they get opened so much the saran wrap just falls in and gets all gross and sticky, leading to people fishing it out with their fingers. There are always a couple of spoons in the bottom, because my coworkers are morons who can't figure out to use the long-handled tea spoons for this shit and instead use regular spoons which fall in. Then people reach in to retrieve them with their bare fingers, or reach in for cherries with their bare fingers. People pull them out of the cooler and leave them open on the counter; they marry the pans together; basically it's a fucking germ factory. I don't give anyone cherries unless the specifically ask for them because they're so gross.


After years of dealing with kids and their Shirley Temples (or cherry Cokes, equally irritating), I've started getting a bit of passive revenge.

I don't hate little kids, so when I get a kid who wants a refill every two minutes, I do something fairly benign: I just increase the amount of cherry flavor (grenadine, not cherry juice) with every refill. Eventually, they quit drinking so damn fast! They probably eventually vomit too, but that's not my problem.

But when giggling groups of snotty little teenagers come in and start mainlining Shirley Temples, I'm a little more evil. They get the ever-increasing amounts of grenadine, but they also get several cherries. And with each glass they get a generous helping of the bacteria-infested, skin-cell harboring, random-kitchen-dust-collecting juice.

Am I going to hell?


Amber said...

Bad news? Yes, you are probably going to hell. Good news? You will be the new leader!


NayNay said...

I read somewhere that grenadine syrup acts as a laxative. Drink up, kids!

Anonymous said...

Lol, NayNay! My mom would never let me get them as a kid (she used to be a server and "it was our job in life to not make their's hellish"- direct quote) But my Gramps used to make them for me at parties...they are kiddy crack, I'd be bouncing off the walls thE first half of the night- but passed out from a sugar low the second half. Possibly my family's evil plan.

SkippyMom said...

My kids know better than to order these. Or so I thought.

We took the two youngest out to lunch last weekend [13 and 18] while visiting college and as we were all ordering our drinks the 13 yo asked for a Shirley Temple.

The 3 of us in unison looked at her, wide eyed and said "Wallene!" - which made the waitress laugh and she said she would happily make her one, no worries.

I made sure the kid did not suck it down or get a refill. [Mean momma :)]

DMT said...

If anything you're doing them a favor, people don't get enough germs nowadays and it weakens their immune sys......... actually now that I think about it see you in the 5th circle!

Douglas Hester said...

I still order them. Roy Rogers, too (which is what the coke version is sometimes called). Refreshing ;)

Anonymous said...

This post was the breaking point for me. I always found you humorous, irreverent and just plain funny. I may have been missing something along the way, but I just don't like you anymore based on the fact that you would do this. It's gross and passive aggressive. You really just kind of make me sick. I don't care how many people agree that it's funny.

I am always a good tipper but honestly your blog has made me rethink that. I guess I should be more watchful of pissass attitudes and passive aggessive waitresses who hate their jobs and customers and shit on others for sport.

That one should really not order their kids bar drinks aside, it's just a bitch move. It's even lamer to be so proud of yourself.

purplegirl said...

Ha! Thanks for the vote of confidence, Amber. :)

NayNay, I hadn't heard that! Yikes!

Douglas, unless you're ordering 18 refills I think you're okay. :)

SkippyMom, one or two isn't a big deal! But some people let their kids drink them in one gulp, which is where it gets to be obnoxious!

DMT, that's kinda my thoughts too. ;)

Anonymous ... uh, of course it's passive-aggressive. I'm not allowed to be aggressive-aggressive with the little shits! Like I said, I don't give little kids that potentially gross stuff -- and I was only kidding about them vomiting from the sugar.

But the teenagers who come in every Friday night, treat me like shit, rip up all their napkins, table flyers, and sugar packets, yell and scream, shoot spitballs around the restaurant (no, I'm not joking), and that I take a minimum of 20 refills to? FUCK THEM.

purplegirl said...

(Oh, and I never have a "pissass attitude" and I don't actually hate customers in general -- just certain ones who treat me like shit.)

Anonymous said...

Hey Anon,
You're a chicken shit for posting anonymously.

Anyway, there are FAR worse things that happen in a restaurant that either aren't intentional or aren't individual-specific, meaning EVERYONE gets those nasty cherries. Or EVERYONE gets ice that's in a slime bin. Tough shit. If you want to make sure you get clean food, make it at home and shut the fuck up. Does it matter if someone chooses to only give certain people the nasty shit? The real problem is that the nasty shit even exists. Where's the quality control from management? Like I said, if you want guaranteed clean good, stay at home.

Have you ever worked a service job? Retail? Restaurant? No? Then don't pretend like that's the most appalling thing you've ever heard. There are far worse things, just telling you now so you don't get a huge shock while reading some other serving blog. You don't even want to know the shit my sister did when she waited tables.

I also pour on the grenadine in kid's drinks Deal with it. The cherries...well, as DMT said, the germs will probably BOOST their immune systems. A little dirt never hurt anyone. Or gross cherry juice. Whatever.


Anonymous said...

clean FOOD. Damn it. It's late, I'm going to bed.

DMT said...


If the worst you can expect is a manky cherry or some extra syrup then count yourself lucky. I've been around the block and I've seen and heard of all sorts of things from big fat green phlegmers going into drinks to cooks playing catch with a rude customers food before sending it out to them covered with germs from their hands and the floor.

Granted where I witnessed it take place I stopped it and made sure the food wasn't given to the customer to consume and a fresh order was prepared. But not all places employ a voice of reason. Its something you should be weary of before deciding to treat restaurant workers like shit, because you never now, you might end up consuming a few particles of it in return.

Kelly said...

Fuck you, anonymous, for being such a hypocrite. Posting on people's blogs without identifying yourself, and then using one action or opinion you don't agree with to justify stiffing tens of thousands of people is the absolute epitome of passive-aggressive behavior.

So this one waitress admitted to putting questionable cherries in bratty kids' drinks, and now you're certain that all servers are the same, and you are going to avenge this one action by never again tipping? Talk about a "piss-ass attitude!"

Clearly, it is bullshit "principles"--not hygiene--which motivate you. Because if your comment really were about your concerns about the food, you wouldn't go out at all.

DMT said...

Just to add something. About those obnoxious teens, why haven't they been banned? Your establishment is a proper restaurant with a bar and everything so why is a large group of teens that shout, litter, throw spit balls (which are more unhygienic than the cherries) and worst of all harass staff, even allowed on the premises?

Your manager must either be clueless or spineless

SkippyMom said...

Oh lordy PG - seems you got a troll too this week.

Sorry about that.

I don't mind people that disagree with me on my blog - but I definitely think is THE MOST PASSIVE AGRESSIVE to post anonymously when doing so.

At least your troll won't be back because you hurt their itty bitty fwellings.

Travelin' Mike said...

Friggin' Teenagers! I'm pretty sure God will have mercy on you. He understand how annoying teenagers can be!

Pademelon said...

PG, I'm seconding what almost everyone already said, save the troll, so I won't repeat any of that. Honestly, while it doesn't sound appetizing, what you're doing is quite benign. From what you've said, you aren't contributing to the grossness of the cherries. Co-workers are marrying the pans, leaving them out, using short spoons or bare fingers to fish out saran wrap & spoons & the cherries themselves. Having been a server, a single server doesn't have the power to change that and managers like to pretend it isn't happening. You'd be in serious trouble if you told a customer that the cherries were a germ factory. So the only thing you can do is minimize how many you give out, which you're doing. If you were intentionally creating disgusting cherries, it'd be different.

There's nothing gross about upping the grenadine in Shirley Temples and you don't start doing that until some kid is asking for a third refill and showing no sign of slowing down. As far as the teenagers go, your managers clearly won't ban them or control them. You can't really refuse to serve them, even though they treat you like crap, don't tip and make a god-awful mess. If the cherries were actually hazardous, the customers served by other servers would get sick. Or the teenagers would get sick, blame food poisoning on the restaurant and not come back, which obviously has not happened. So, while it's kinda gross and not the ideal, I really don't see the harm. It's not like you're serving someone with an obvious auto-immune disorder a glass full of cultivated germ juice with cherries merely because they had the audacity to order a single Shirley Temple. THAT would send you to hell!

Cindy said...

When I was a kid, about 30 years ago, and we went out for a birthday supper at a nice restaurant it was a special treat to have a Shirley Temple. This was before free refills so you only got one and you savored it and made it last. Back then you only got one pop too, if you were still thirsty it was water for you. =)

yellowcat said...

If you're going to Hell, I'll see you there!


Jack said...

wow, you sound like a genuine douche-bag bartender. You shouldn't even be in this business. It's not the kids that have the problem,it's YOU. YOU ARE GETTING PAID TO REFILL DRINKS AND MAKE DRINKS,IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS SANITARY OR TO INFORM PEOPLE WHEN IT'S NOT.YOU ARE NOT GETTING PAID TO LOLL AROUND LIKE A USELESS SHIT!!!

Jack said...

hey fuckmytable

why are you posting like an annonymous chicken shit? why aren't you posting your real name and address, huh, hypocrite cunt?

Jack said...

You are being paid to put up with rude customers and handle it professionally. You are fucking incompetent and deserve to be fired.