Poor hiring decisions.

We've had a rash of really shitty newbies the last few months - I don't know if Fester is crazy or just that desperate, but here are some of the winners we've had:

Nitwit #1: Woman in her fifties who claimed to have been a server before, but after an extra week of training still couldn't get it together. On her first solo shift, the woman was throwing away her merchant copies of credit card slips! Her sidework took her hours, she forgot about tables all the time, and she had rules totally backward - she thought she got free food every shift, for example, and that she could eat said food before she had clocked out. After about two weeks on the floor, she quit, claiming she "got a job offer she couldn't refuse."

Nitwit #2: About twenty and dumb as the day of the summer equinox is long - but thought she was suuuuuper cunning. When she was first hired, she said she was going to have surgery for her endometriosis in a couple of weeks .... but after a bunch of missed shifts and inconsistent stories, we all suspect she had nothing wrong with her. Her first week, she was always "surprised" she had to do sidework - we have a training manager and she'd give him her checkout slip and then when one of us stopped her she'd be shocked she had to do anything. Her second week, when she was caught skating on sidework again, she claimed Work Wife "never trained" her to get her checkout slip signed. She was always late, she never helped anyone else, and she would never listen when anyone tried to tell her something. Finally, the other day she forgot to greet one table and then forgot to ring in another's order for half an hour - and those were her only two tables. Harley took her apron and told her to get the hell out. Several of us literally did happy dances.

Nitwit #3: Okay, this one wasn't really a nitwit, but that's the way I'm counting so I'm sticking with it. He was a nice guy and did his job really well ... for two weeks. He worked the oil fields and it was a slow patch, and he was very upfront about it. Why the fuck did we hire someone who we knew would, at any day, no longer be available?

Nitwit #4: Somehow took until four in the morning to get a Monday night's dishes done.

Nitwit #5: Asked me yesterday - after three weeks on the floor - "the kid's grilled chicken is grilled chicken, right?" 'Nuff said.

Nitwit #6: After almost two months, still can't handle more than three tables without utterly panicking. Also apparently doesn't brush his teeth, judging by the rank stench every time he opens his mouth.

And then there are the promotions that make no fucking sense to me.

One guy who was a whiny little bitch on GU and expo got promoted (so to speak) to serving .... where he continues to be a whiny little bitch and throw tantrums when frustrated. Seriously - the other day he wanted me to sign him out and I told him he still had to do silverware, and he threw his book against a wall and smacked a package of napkins across the kitchen.

There was also a host who thought he was hot shit and badgered his way in to serving when we were severely short-staffed. He still thinks he's got the world by the balls, despite fucking up repeatedly - once to the point where his serving shifts got taken away for a week. He also called in one day claiming he'd broken his leg. Guess who showed up two days later without a cast or crutches?

And then ... then. Then there's the newest trainer. I have no idea why they chose her. Sure, she's a strong server. She knows the computer system inside and out, knows the menu really well, and can juggle a lot of customers.

But ... she's quit and come back three times now. She rolls in 2-5 minutes late nearly every shift, her uniform adherence sometimes leaves something to be desired, and there are some policies that she just refuses to follow unless someone important is watching. She's somewhat terrifying to new people because she tends to just vomit information at them. Her attitude isn't always so hot, and she can be heard to say "I hate people" nearly every day. She makes a lot of snarky comments about guests while in the kitchen - in fact, she keeps a secret blog where she rants about them.

That's right. I'm going to be a trainer. God help the fresh meat.