Just a rant.

(Please feel free to ignore. I've just been fucking deluged lately with these things and I can't rant to anybody I know in person because they act like I'm suggesting we raise Hitler as a zombie and give him a nuclear weapon.)

Everywhere I look, someone around me is getting married, is pregnant, or just popped out a kid. Jesus Christ, I am fucking sick of it. I'm removing people from my Facebook feed who used to be good friends because all they fucking post now is about this shit.

If I see once more pregnant belly picture, I'm going to puke. And the next person who tries to show me an ultrasound is getting punched. Bitch, I don't want to see the inside of your uterus! That shit is creepy! Keep your parasite and your blurry alien picture away from me. And I'm sick of the pictures of your kids doing 'cute' things. I don't want to see your baby's birth-canal squished face every time you post something. Congratulations! You created a drooling, pants-shitting, screaming small person. You made a life! Big fucking deal! It's nothing to be proud of, all you did was get sweaty with somebody and biology did the rest.

And keep the pictures of engagements rings, wedding venues, cakes, and flowery bullshit verses about love and god and the sanctity of marriage out of my fucking face too. Good job, you're going to sign papers that mean when you can't stand that other person any longer, they get half of your shit. Yay! Let's all eat cake and do the chicken dance! I think marriage is stupid - it made sense in times and societies when women weren't allowed or permitted to care for themselves. Now? Seriously? What the hell is the point? When people tell me they're getting married, I have zero reaction. They might as well have said "It's Tuesday!" So then I have to try to fake happy because otherwise people get all goddamn butthurt that rainbows aren't shooting out my ass about it.

And yeah, I'm sure there are more than a few people out there who will read this and think I'm just bitter because I'm single and childless. I get the pitying look from smug married bitches - the same ones who a year later are bitching about his pot smoking or her tv habits. The same ones who have a higher chance of divorce than not. The same ones who later ask me if I want to sleep with them/their wives because they're in an open marriage now (No. No, I'm not kidding.) until wait, we're getting divorced now. And of course people in relationships who aren't married have the same problems - but at least they haven't made a spectacle of themselves and wasted a whole bunch of money throwing an expensive party to celebrate their luuuuuuuuuuv. At least if things go sour there, they don't have to pay two attorneys to separate their lives.

I also get the "you'll change your mind when you meet the right guy!" shit when I say I don't want kids. Right. Because the 'right guy' would make me want to put my body through nine months of hell during which I would be profoundly uncomfortable and sick, and then the pain of childbirth and accompanying destruction of my vagina, then the trashing my (quite nice) breasts with the milk nonsense, and then spending the rest of my life taking care of something else? I think fucking not. Hell no. The right guy would shudder when I asked if he wanted kids and say "Fuck that noise!" Every time yet another woman tells me she's knocked up, I have to fight my urge to say "I'm sorry" or "Why'd you let that happen?" or "There's a procedure for that" because people reallllllllly don't take kindly to that last one .... c'mon, I was joking. Learn to take a joke as easily as you obviously take a dick, preggo.

I always tell my mom that when she was making me she kept all the maternal instinct to herself - she's swimming in it to the point of having raised two sets of my cousins and having adopted two kids now. I have no tolerance for any of that shit. Zero. Zip. Nada. Other short words of negation. In fact, the whole concept kind of sickens me. The idea of a living thing in me, moving and kicking and stuff? Gaaaaaaah. It's goddamn disturbing, is what it is. It's like a chest burster, only instead of killing you, it expects you take care of it forever. If I want something that's going to depend on me for the rest of it's life, I'll get another dog.

I'm just "at that age" where everybody around is "settling down" or what-the-fuck-ever, and it's pissing me off. These are important, life-changing things. I get it. But for god's sake, talk about something else every once in a while! You don't see me forcing everyone around me to listen to Norwegian pop or lecturing them on Tudor England - because I know that what's completely absorbing to me is as boring and possibly as revolting as dry dog vomit to others. There's a world around you, and people around you, who maybe don't want to talk about your wedding invitations anymore. Who maybe would like to have a conversation with you that doesn't involve the words "mucus plug" or "placenta." Who maybe wants to gossip and talk about movies and clothes and dying grandmothers and broken hearts and for god's sake even the weather -- you know, life outside your uterus and/or wedding hall.

(Let the hate roll in, I'm sure.)

Addendum: Well, I'm glad I didn't get any of the "have dare you say such things about the babies!!!1!!!!1" comments like I expected. Most of you got the point, and saw more than the hyperbole and intentionally fucked up humor.

A couple of you ... well, you need to think about the definition of 'rant': "to utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion." A couple of you took the rant portion a little too seriously and didn't pay attention to the point portion. A couple of you need to apply some common sense - do you seriously think that I tell women who have been trying to get pregnant for months that "there's a procedure for that?" Honestly, who would do that?

(Okay, those words have passed my lips once - when Dallas got shitty with me about "You don't have kids? You don't want kids? Why don't you want kids? You better hope you don't get pregnant, what would you do then?" But she wasn't pregnant at the time, and I was talking about myself. Anyway.)

Of course there were kernels of truth. I do think marriage is pointless and ultrasound pictures are creepy as fuck. I do know some people who are going way the hell over the top with this crap and I'm tired of even trying to have a normal conversation with them. But a modicum of thought should tell you that this was not a 100% honest post. Come on now. If I were that unbalanced of an individual, I wouldn't have any friends to have triggered this post in the first place.

I do think it's telling of some very deeply ingrained societal perceptions that someone would believe I need an attitude adjustment because, as a female, I dare to not be all mushy about wedded bliss and bundles of joy. If a man wrote a post complaining about his buddies settling down and being pussy-whipped, what would the reaction be to that? Or what I wrote a post in the same tone, but complaining about people constantly thrusting their religious or political views on me? Nobody would comment then about what it "says about me."

Personally, I think what this post says about me is both delightful and mature - I understand everybody's interests and joys are different, and that friendships are about both parties sharing, not about one person spewing one thing like endless projectile vomit. I respect that and want to be around people who respect it as well.