Wednesday, March 28, 2012

This fucking sucks.

Warning: Personal shit ahead.

I don't know why I ever decided to go out and have sex again. More importantly, I don't know why I decided to try to have a relationship again. I guess it was time or something after four years, but Jesus H. Christ, this is hell. My chest has felt tight and like I can't breathe, and there's been a lovely burning sensation, for more than a month now. I cry every day (oh, wait, there was ONE day I didn't). I feel lost. I just don't know how to handle this. What do you do when you start to really fall in love with someone, and that someone decides they're "not ready for a relationship?" Yes, I know that's a horrible cliched kind of thing and all my friends say it's bullshit, but knowing his history, and seeing him choking on the words and almost crying, I think he actually meant it. Anyway.

Normal people have been through this before, but I have zero idea how to cope with it. I mean, it's gotten a little better. I have occasional moments of normalcy (or else I wouldn't have posted anything in weeks). I can function and do my job, 99% of the time. I don't burst into tears if I get a call from a customer with his name. I can generally maintain a conversation. But other than that .... I don't laugh, I don't smile, I don't listen to music or really watch tv or read. I mean I do, but I'm never actually focusing on it. In the back of my mind is just a constant murmur of his name, a constant flow of little, biting memories. Sounds melodramatic, probably, and a feel like a weak fool. But I can't seem to help it.

13 comments:

Aunt Krissy said...

That sucks and sorry to hear that you're going through it.

Jill said...

You are going through the normal process of grieving after a loss. It's a horrible process and it hurts like hell, but there will come a day when it gets better and then it stops. Just try to hang in there and know that many people care about you.

Anonymous said...

Time my dear is all you have. Time will pass and with it the pain.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

We've all been there. Maybe that's not much of a comfort, maybe it is, I don't know.
Do things that you enjoy. Reach out to friends. Express your sadness/rage/emptiness/whatever you happen to be feeling in whatever way you find works. I've done art, writing, sports, conversation with a close friend... It doesn't matter what it is, whatever gets you through the day because, believe me: it gets better.

SkippyMom said...

I can only imagine feeling that desperate if Pooldad died. But I think ultimately the purpose in my life would outweigh the mourning and I would have to move on, not that I would want to, but life [and kids] have a funny way of demanding your attention.

It hurts to lose someone you care so much for, but the important thing is try not to dwell on it. I know that seems easier said than done, but you need to throw yourself back into life and not allow this hiccup to have such a damaging hold on you.

It will get better, I promise. And you will [eventually] be better for it.

DMT said...

It hurts now but it's for the best at least he didn't lead you on. Just give it a little time and let it go. It happens to us all and we all pull through in the end

theblonde said...

I'm so, so sorry that you're feeling this way. It sucks, it truly does, and I feel for you.

It sounds simple and cliche, but the advice my mother always gave me when I was crying on her shoulder was, "Shit happens, and life goes on." And it's true. Life can really, severely suck a massive wang at times. But it will go on, and all of your readers know you are strong enough to get through the tough times.

Good luck!

stream27 said...

Feeling like this sucks. Sometimes it gets better on its own, sometimes it doesn't. I went through feeling like this for 3 years before I finally decided to talk to a doctor. I was put on a low dose anti-depressant for about a year, was taken off of it slowly when I felt I was ready and now, feel like I am finally the person I used to be before battling with depression. Never, ever be ashamed to ask for help. It can seriously change your life. Best of luck <3

dawnie said...

Sucks big ass and it mostly goes away.. last time this happened to me I met my husband shortly after.. not saying that's what path you are on- for me, it was changing my outlook and freeing myself to let go...

big hugs and yes, you are loved.

Malachi the Cocktail Slinger said...

Babygirl, let me tell you something. We've all been in a place where we deal with specific hurts, but typically we have a fair amount of experience dealing with it. For instance, I had always networked my way into jobs (5.5 years in this industry without ever writing a resume because I walked out of one job into another?....yup). So the day I got fired was like a double kickstomp in the nads. No background to deal with the situation. I have no background to deal with death, funerals or graveyards (never buried someone until I was 23), or losing a child (never had one), but I have experience in other traumas.

You seem to feel out of water because you don't have the frame of reference to deal with that trauma and a lot of other people might, so you feel inadequate, like a failure, a loser, perhaps even judging yourself for feeling traumatized because "other people brush it off" or something.

You have always come across as a very cool chick on your blog, I won't waste time on platitudes, you don't deserve that, no one does. But time passes and the stab in the heart will heal. Please do not focus on losing your own identity in someone else's actions, but incorporate it into strengthening your identity. Being with an abusive ex for three years went from defending him daily to being broken over seeing the truth and now has made me resolve to be an awesome boyfriend to prevent those mistakes.....and sometimes, it makes me feel so paranoid and unreasonably insecure. So I take a deep breath and calmly explain myself and my current relationship is much more open, stronger and stable because of it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, do not lose your identity, make yourself stronger and better able to love someone else. Perhaps in the future.....the next go round will turn out so much better from what you are experiencing now.

Love from Dixie
saving malachi

Anonymous said...

I recently went through something similar, and was having a hard time pulling myself out of it, coupled with anxiety bc the guy i was involved with lives right next to me, ugh. Between the depression and anxiety, I was having a hard time coping with my everyday life. A friend of mine suggested i try taking 5-HTP pills. They are a natural antidepressant, available at health food stores, etc. In studies they have done as well or better than antidepressants such as Zoloft, etc., without the side effects. They naturally increase your serotonin levels, helping to regulate your mood. I have been taking 150 mg a day for over a month, and they have helped greatly. I am no longer depressed, my anxiety is at a minimum, and i am able to cope better in stressful situations. I highly recommend them. they are pretty inexpensive, and worth every penny. Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon :) http://www.5htp.com/
www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002TC93VY/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_3/192-1235569-2014820?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=0PT61SCHV7CHTVHAHHZT&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_i=0553379461

~ Serentiy

VetGirl said...

Hi,

I've been reading your blog for ages but never commented till now. This just really makes me feel for you because I was dumped about 6 months ago. I adored this guy. All of my (incredibly meager amount of) self esteem was tied up in him and he didn't want me anymore. I was devastated. I remember curling into a ball and crying till I was sick. I was miserable every day. I didn't want to do anything or interact with anyone and couldn't even just turn off and go to sleep because laying there all I could think of was him. And everyone kept telling me it'd get better, I wouldn't always feel like this. I thought they were full of shit and couldn't imagine feeling anything but consistently sick-to-my-stomach miserable. They were right though - it passes. It just fucking sucks until then and I'm really sorry you have to go through it.

Anonymous said...

Try and.do.atleast three nice things for yourself everyday. Whether it be painting your nails or.visting your favorite flea market..good advice from a good friend;.i know it helped me.