Maybe I'll finish this post instead of falling asleep on my couch.

Anything is possible, after all.

I just can't seem to sleep enough lately. I think it's because of all the schedule changes. In three and a half weeks, I've flip-flopped between four different shifts: first 7am-5 Friday-Monday, then 2-10:30 Sat-Wed, then 6am-2:30 Mon-Fri, now 3-midnight Sat-Wed. My body is freaking out and trying to sleep at every opportunity.

And sometimes my calls are boring enough I could almost sleep through them. Oh, I get the occasional screamer who's pissed off about something retarded (get to that in a minute), but usually it's "You want to cancel? Why is that? You just want a discount? Here you go." Or "Okay, send the stuff back in 30 days, good luck not getting fucked in the ass by our competitor who I know from personal experience lies about their fees."  Gets a little wearing sometimes, I wish there were a way to prerecord certain things and just play them back when I do a crossword or something!

And now the later ....

One of the (many) things some people get absolutely fucking psychotic about is local channels. Here's the deal, folks: the FCC declared a long-ass time ago that pay-TV services cannot offer locals outside of their demographic areas. If you're in Philadelphia, you're not getting Houston locals. I don't care how much of a fuss you raise, it's not happening. Oh, there are a few exceptions. RV'ers can get LA or NYC locals through a separate service. There are a few "superstations"/channels using the same name as superstations that can be gotten remotely, depending on which company you're with.

That last was what today's crazy bitch was after. There were notes on the account that the woman had called before pitching a fit about missing a CW station in her state -- not her demographic area she can get the locals from, but on the other side of her state. She'd been offered one of the other CW stations, even offered it free for a year, but that wasn't good enough. As far as I'm concerned, they're all the same -- they have a few shows like Supernatural that are original, there are some talk shows, but it's mostly syndicated re-runs. Not seeing the big fucking deal.

Well, she let me know pretty quickly that that particular CW station was where they watched all their sports.  This bitch got under my skin enough that I just looked at the schedule for every fucking day on that station, and there are no goddamn sports (or sssssssports as she said it). But she was just fucking livid.

"I specifically asked this guy named Chase, and two other young men, if we would have this channel because that's where we watch all our ssssssports. He said we would, and it's all lies, just a pack of lies!"

I tried to assure her it was an honest mistake, that we don't intentionally lie (not that I don't think it happens sometimes). I suspect what happened was she asked if she'd get all her locals, not about that specific channel, and the answer was yes. I explained about locals outside the demographic area. I explained that some companies have contracts with different superstations. In short, I explained there was nothing I could do to get her that station, and why.

"Well that's just not acceptable! We got it with our old company! We never would have switched! We were told we'd get it!" she kept saying things like that, as if by force of will she could change FCC regulations. I offered to extend her free superstation for two years. This was when I knew she wasn't serious about the sssssssports issues, because her response wasn't "that won't get me my games."

Instead, her response was, "What, so I have to REMEMBER to call back and deal with this AGAIN in two years?" Not "thank you for offering me something free for two goddamn years." Of course not. I patiently explained that there is literally no way in my system to make something free forever.

"Well! You'd better fix this! If you can't get it I want you to pay to have my old service restarted!"

I did not smirk and say we would not be doing that, nor would we be waiving the early contract termination fee that was more than $400. Although the idea of her head exploding was quite amusing. Instead, I politely repeated my offers.

"That's not good enough! I was lied to! Lies, all lies!" she was working herself in to such a frenzy I thought I heard spittle hitting the phone. "We'd better come to a happy medium about this!"

I repeated my offers, yet again. But naturally, to her, a "happy medium" is what she wants, regardless of what is actually possible.

"That's not good enough! You'd better fix this or I am going to report you to the state attorney general's office!"

I nearly sighed in relief. Why couldn't the crazy bitch have said that twenty minutes early? Now I could transfer her off to someone else -- "lawyer" and such are magic words. I got her over to the contract/legal department and I went on break, because Jesus H. Christ in a sidecar, I thought her hatred was going to melt my brain.

Now, I might have been sympathetic if she hadn't been combative from the state. Or if it weren't such a retarded thing to be freaking out about anyway. Or maybe if she hadn't waited a month after installation to call. Or if it weren't for the fact that a thirty second web search would have told her my company doesn't have that station. Check Wikipedia, bitch.

Not to mention, if it was that motherfucking important, why wouldn't she check it before she signed the installation papers? I made sure Fox was coming in so I wouldn't miss the last season of House. Oh wait, but I'm not an idiot.