Ladies and gentlemen, the Sunday cast.

So I work in about two hours, and I just couldn't be less enthused. I didn't sleep well, so I'm exhausted--and I close. That aside, let me introduce you to tonight's cast of characters:

Brainless--you all know her. At least she doesn't close with me any more.

The Screamer--a former waitress who now only expos, and only two days a week. I don't know why she even bothers, and I wish she wouldn't. She has one volume level and one tone--I'm not exaggerating when I say the hosts can hear her bellowing "hot fooOOOOOD" or screaming for a runner. It doesn't matter how many people are in the kitchen, or even standing right there waiting to pick up the food--she screams anyway.

The Ice Nazi--She and I worked at the same restaurant in high school, and we get along fine. To people she doesn't like she's very bossy and condescending though, and ice is her pet peeve. If the ice bin is less than half full, even just barely, she will slam her glasses down on the counter and stomp over to ice machine shouting "Nobody else in this entire fucking place can get ice?" and then continue mumbling "bullshit" as she fills the ice bin. She also gets out of sidework every Sunday because she has to go pick up her son in Denver.

Preggers--A nice girl, but lazy. Even worse now that she's pregnant. Also, her name is only slightly different from mine, and The Screamer always mixes us up and yells at me about her food.

The Sisters--They can be hit or miss. The older one is usually cheerful and happy, but sometimes she inexplicably ignores me. The younger one is really hyper; she talks a mile a minute, doesn't let you get a word in edgewise .... and sometimes in the middle of a sentence will start speaking with an accent. And it's not always the same accent, sometimes it's southern, sometimes it's British, Scottish, Irish, or Australian. Sometimes it's something that sounds like she's trying for a German accent. It's rather odd. She's our carryout girl tonight, so hopefully she won't get too stressed--when she gets stressed serving or on expo, she starts screaming and swearing and screwing up more and blaming other people.

Mr. Horseteeth--I don't mind him; we trade Family Guy quotes and joke around. And he doesn't have horse teeth; that's his wife, who's the problem. And she will be in. Any time one works and the other doesn't, the one not working comes in to help the other with their sidework. So she'll be there, rolling his silverware and refusing to share the counter space with anyone else; telling everyone else how to do their jobs; looking like she's got something smelly right under her nose; and exuding an undeserved sense of gradeur.

Mousy Bartender--I love her. We get along great. There are only two problems. One is she's a bit slow getting drinks sometimes; the other is the creepy regular who has a crush on her. He'll probably show up at 4 and be there all night. Sometimes, he won't leave until all the employees are ready to go! He's been coming in for about seven years; I remember him from the first time I worked there, so he feels he's entitled to hang around as long as he wants. He'll sit at the bar, talking literally the entire time--to the bartender, to any server who doesn't ignore him, to other bar patrons he's interrupted. Or just to himself, narrating the baseball game. If there's nobody at the bar to talk to later in the evening, he'll come over and stand at the staff table while we're eating and continue talking, which makes it impossible to talk to anyone else. His voice is loud and booming (one volume only), and he says either "to tell you the truth" or "know what I'm saying" at the end of nearly every sentence. We'll probably get seven hours of quality time with him tonight.

Little Miss Sunshine--a middle-aged woman who is just the sunniest, cheerfullest person I've ever met. I don't think I've ever heard her complain. Obviously the opposite of me.

Perpetua--Most of the time I want to staple things to her head. (Who gets it?) This is the person I close with now. She thinks she's in charge of everybody because she's been a server her whole life; she also talks to everybody like they're idiots, repeating things over and over in different ways as if we couldn't understand "you need to wipe down the drink trays" the first time. When dealing with her tables, she's not just polite, she's obsequious. And that is the extent of her personality. She has no sense of humor at all; it's like working with a condescending dishrag.

In terms of hosts, I'm not sure who we have, although there are a number of people I can eliminate. I think we're stuck with the Teenage Baby Mama, who claims to have a medical prescription for her pot, and Teenage DUI Girl. They have about a half a functioning brain between them.

I can't see the cooks' schedule, so I'm just hoping for good results there. Also, I don't know who will be managing. Probably not the GM, she almost never works nights. If I'm lucky, I'll get Pot Smoking Manager tonight. I don't know that he really smokes pot anymore, but he's not shy about saying he doesn't remember most of the 80s. He's very laid back, never gets upset no matter how stressed. Or I could be unlucky and get Lapdog, who's due back from vacation, or Bitter Divorced Man, who is completely unpredictable.

And then there's me. I think by the time I get home, the "only slightly" in my moniker won't apply.