Monday, November 2, 2009

Roll call

For a while, I had a "Cast of Characters" widget on my sidebar, but it was too clunky. But I want people to know who I'm talking about, I'm replacing it with a link to this post, which will be redundant for the time being.

GM/Chicken Little: Our GM, who regularly thinks the sky is falling. Possibly needs medication. (As of Christmas time has mellowed out a lot!)

Lapdog: Named after a "House" quote about "because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog!" Possibly needs medication.

Bitter Divorced Man: Manager who's sometimes a riot, and other times won't speak to anyone the entire shift. Possibly needs medication.

Pot Smoking Manager: Almost too laid-back for his own good. Possibly self-medicates.

Accent Girl: Thinks she's quirky and hilarious, really just plain weird. Especially the way her accent changes in the middle of sentences. She claims not to realize she's doing it, and yet it never happens when she's really involved in what she's saying.

Brainless: Super fun to work with. After three months of serving still doesn't know what the house margarita is called. See tag "unsurprising ineptitude".

California Girl: Grew up in middle America, but seems like a surfer. Probably the best server in the place. Often calls me at three in the morning when she's had a few beers.

Dallas: Supposedly bisexual young mother who's obsessed with others' procreation. I don't think she likes me much. She also called out within her first two weeks of work--to bail her boyfriend out of jail.

Dumb: Hostess who just doesn't pay attention to the world around her.

Dumber/Brainless II: Hostess who apparently squeezed her brains cells out along with her son at the age of 16.

Flirty Priest: Cuter than a basket of kittens, foul-mouthed and foul-minded, flirts with everyone with tits .... and is attending a Christian college to be become a minister.

Idiot Expo: Started out as a cook but couldn't hack it; was moved to expo and sucks at that too. Apparently can't read, because every order that has mods is missing something--extra plates, three sides of ranch, whatever. After a month, I'm losing hope for improvement.

Judge Judy: Anyone who does anything differently than her is "a fucking idiot." Acts like she's so much better than everyone around her, and yet expects ridiculous amounts of sympathy for her personal problems. Ice on the counter pisses her off, and she sweeps it on to the floor; when I pointed out someone could slip, her response was "You should be wearing non-slip shoes."

The Vomit-Worthys: Married couple. She never misses a chance to call someone out about something and is always on the warpath about some little, insignificant thing she thinks the rest of us should be doing. Her husband is a nice enough guy--slightly creepy, though, as he gives backrubs to the other waitresses when his wife isn't around. When she is around, though, they earn their moniker--I think I know more about their sex life than my own.

New host who grew up in this state, yet has affected such a banjo-twanging accent that I can't understand what he's saying most of the time. He's 19 and thinks he's got the world by the balls. Fun enough to work with, and better than Dumb or Dumber, but he didn't doesn't pay any attention to little details of his job like seating rotation.

Perpetua: Most of the time I just want to staple things to her head. Always has something to say. About everything. Twice. Has now moved out of state.

Preggers: Not actually pregnant anymore; a nice girl whose real name is just a couple letters off of mine, and it causes a lot of confusion.

Wannabe: Hostess who does productions with the local theater company and thinks she's going to make it big someday (despite, uh, sucking). Has all sorts of dramatic headshot pictures she shows people, is always talking about her plays, and dresses like a pirate. Most annoyingly, she likes to walk up to people and sing--quite throatily--random lines of songs. We're talking walking up to me and singing, "Hey sister, soul sister" in this weird vibrating projecting voice, then walking away. She also does this random little Michael Jackson-style "hoo-hoo" thing all the time. Mildly annoying, but I was learning to live with it until it turned out she's a two-faced squealer who rats people out to Chicken Little!

Wideeyes: Has constantly bugged-out eyes she accentuates with tons of eye makeup, making her look perpetually shocked. Whines constantly about everything, shoves people out of her way when she wants to get to the computer, and basically acts like we should all bow down to her. Oh yeah, and she screws up non-stop.


Mary Sheehan Winn said...

Ok, this has to be the funniest blog I've ever read. I also used to be a waitress and can totally relate to these stories. Let me tell you about my friend of a friend who started blogging about 5 years ago, who is also a writer and did get published!
I'm going to share your links because you are so effing funny, that I can't stand it!!!!!!
You could write a book about that job.I always said I should have but I'm more of a painter. But no one would believe the stuff that goes on in restaurants or the customers you have to deal with!
Keep on keepin' on, because you are very funny.

rdl said...

Yes, this is great! and funny i think i worked with all these people too!

Mama Insomnia said...

Do we work at the same place because you just described about 1/2 my co-workers, including the pot smoking manager. I love your blog! You say exactly what I think about serving sometime...I am a fam!