The White Trash Award

I see some pretty uncouth people in my restaurant, and occasionally some outright white trash. The table I had last week sort of put off the trash vibe, although I couldn't describe exactly how. It was a set of parents, their daughter and her husband, and their daughter. The little girl was maybe 18 months old, and she was just adorable! Chubby-cheeked and smiley and curly-haired.

Unfortunately for the little girl, her parents showed their trash when they named her ..... Hennessey.

Rehab's back.

When I started working at this place, I immediately got off to a bad start with Rehab. She's in her mid-thirties but looks ten years older because of her insane past. She always talked about how she was addicted to this or that as a teenager, how she gave herself a tattoo at fourteen so if she ended up dead her mother could identify her body, blah blah blah. It might be true; I don't know. She's just one of those people who seems to have had an experience with everything.

And she is driving me absolutely fucking crazy! She thinks having worked there for ten years on and off entitles her to treat everyone around her like slaves, and speak to us any way she wants. God help you if you don't do something when she tells you to -- because she will get right up in your face, yelling at full volume. The other day I refused to take fajitas to my table without tortillas -- because that just seems fucking stupid, it's like taking a burger without a bun -- and I thought her head was going to burst. She refused to speak to me for the rest of the night, in fact -- which I was okay with.

It's better when she's serving, instead of working as expo -- because as expo, she screams non-fucking-stop. "Hot food! (three second wait) I need runners! (two seconds) Come on guys! (two seconds) Hot food! HOT FOOD!" I swear she doesn't even breathe in between screams -- whether it's at the servers, or the cooks, or at/for the manager. All this screaming goes on while she stampedes up and down the length of the cook's window, literally shoving people out of her way and sticking her armpits in peoples' faces reaching for things with never an apology.

And when she messes something up? You might as well have accused her of murder, because she flips the fuck out. The one and only good thing about her is that the cooks don't ignore her -- probably because she starts fucking screaming at them in Spanish if they do!

As usual, they're wrong.

Corporate loves to tell us that if we upsell, we'll make more because people tip on percentage. They're always giving us examples like if a table ordered two small salad entrees and water, that's $12 and we'd get a $1.80 tip. But if we got them to order a premium margarita each, and an appetizer, and larger salads, and a dessert to share, that's a million dollars and we'll make a million dollars!11!!1!

Yeah ... except it doesn't really work that way in this restaurant. Someone actually did a study on us once, and their conclusion was that when people just want food they go to McDonald's, when they want good food they go to one of the slightly more upscale chain options, and when they want okay food at a certain price they come to us. So basically most people walk in expecting to pay a certain amount, and if they spend more, their server suffers.

The last two weeks, I have said "fuck upselling" and not pushed anything. I haven't even suggested drinks, just asked what they wanted. And you know, overall, my tip percentage has been a LOT better. My actually money made had sucked big floppy donkey balls because of the sections I've had, of course.

And another thing ...

We used to serve just fajitas on skillets. Now we suddenly have five more things that are served on a skillet. Which means a hot pad, a wooden holder, and the skillet itself billowing smoke in to your face.

Used to be we'd drop the skillet off in the dish pit and then put the other stuff away. Now, we have to scrape the skillet and put it in a bucket of nasty water to soak, then pull a towel out of sanitizer, wring it out, and wipe off the wooden holder before we set it down. Because the dish washer who's paid hourly apparently has too much to do.

Oh, and the sanitizer has to be changed every half an hour.

Efficiency fail.

My restaurant, being a corporate chain, is all about the quick service, turn-and-burn action. While they want us to give good service, they're also aware that we have a reputation as kind of a seated fast-food joint. They bank on that, and also on the fact that every Joe Schmo's people go to across the country has the same stuff prepared the same way. It's what we are; that's fine.

And I can appreciate that our new owners are trying to streamline and upgrade some things -- by instituting the in/out doors, or by upgrading to actual glass instead of plastic. At least they care, right? They're not just letting things languish, they're trying to update so we don't go the way of Bennigan's. So I'm glad they care. But--you knew that was coming, right?--this is where some practical fucking restaurant experience would come in handy when making these changes!

For instance; the glasses. They sure look pretty! I admit they look a lot nicer than the old plastic ones, yep. Unfortunately, they're also blazing fucking hot when they come out of the dishwasher, so we frequently have to fill them with ice to cool them, pour out the ice/water, and then start over--or risk the glasses shattering from the sudden cold, which has happened already a couple of times.

Oh, and then there's the fact that these glasses hold about 25% more ice than the old ones, so we're re-filling the ice bin more often. And we're now using a bucket that's smaller than the old one, that takes three trips to fill the bin instead of two like the old bucket. They changed to that one because it's rectangular, so theoretically it's easier to pour the ice in without dumping it all over the counter. Unfortunately, it's got a big curved-in plastic lip, so the ice still comes fountaining over it in a great splash of crystalline chunks. Oh yes -- and the glass racks hold five fewer glasses than they used to, so we're changing those heavy bastards out a hell of a lot more often!

Another problem with the glasses is the weight. Empty, they weigh more than the plastic ones did full. Full, they're really quite heavy. Plus they're wider at the top than at the bottom. Between the weight and the shape, we can fit less of them on the tray, meaning, naturally, more trips. It also means more spilled drinks to refill, and more messes to clean up -- and when these glasses break, they fucking shatter. We're talking a five-foot radius of safety-glass like chunks skittering across the kitchen floor.

And then, when it comes time to clear off the tables, there's another glass issue. The plastic kind could be stacked nice and high; I could tuck three towers of them between my arm and my body and hold a fourth and fifth in each hand, and have a big top largely cleared off in one trip. The new glasses can only be stacked three high: not only do they get too heavy, but if you stack four the weight pushes the bottom two together so hard you can't always get them apart without breaking. Oh -- and the sloped sides allow liquid to slosh out more easily, so the glasses have to be emptier to be carried easily. So it takes longer to clear off almost any table.

In essence these glasses are causing delays because they get too hot, they use more ice, they're heavier and wider, they're harder to carry, and they're harder to stack. Any one of those little things would be no big deal, but put them together and it's causing a more significant delay.

Oh, and they took the floor mats out of the kitchen -- why? because people were tripping on them, apparently -- so the floors are constantly slick, constantly slippery, and things that used to be no big deal are suddenly a problem. A two ounce splatter of ranch before would be no big deal -- now it's got to be cleaned up immediately because it makes the floor all slippery and gets tracked all over. And we all know that non-slip shoes are only so good.

Then there's having to come in the opposite door from the dish pit. If there's nobody in the way, it adds an extra 15 seconds to the trip. Which sounds like nothing, right? But again, that's if the kitchen is totally empty. When you have to navigate around fifteen other employees and come to a dead stop several times to let the oblivious expo pass in front of you, it's a lot longer. And because of that delay, and the aforementioned heavier glasses, we're all carrying less on trips back to the kitchen. So that's yet more time to get tables cleared off -- especially if you're unlucky enough to be on the patio and have that extra door to open and extra distance to travel.

Back in the good old days, I could breeze in the south door, dispose of my dirty dishes, and then head to the other side of the kitchen. Along the way I could grab a bottle of steak sauce, fill a glass of Pepsi, ring in an order, grab a box, and go out the north door. Now, I have to carry the dirty dishes in the north door, and cross the kitchen to dispose of them. Then I can make my way back across the kitchen, gathering things as I go -- and then turn back around and exit the south door. Two extra trips across the length of the kitchen. Doesn't sound like much, but it's longer I'm in the back, out of sight of guests, who then start to wonder where I am! And say I head out the door and realize I needed the other kind of steak sauce too. I can't wheel around, take two steps and grab the other bottle -- I have to make another fucking circuit through the kitchen!

And then there's the changes to the menu; suddenly instead of re-printing the menu, they've decided to put this single folded-paper wrapper around it -- plus a flyer with other stuff -- thus doubling the number of menus to collect, deposit, re-assemble, and store. Not a huge deal -- except for the fact that customers are fundamentally stupid and can't find their way out of a paper sack, let alone understand there are actual items printed on that wrapper. "Why don't you have fajitas anymore? I always get fajitas!" "Oh, they're just in a different place on the menu." "WHERE? *frantic flipping* I CAN'T FIND THEM!" *STAB*

Oh! Then there's the changes to the plates. We now have another two types of plates, because they just decided things should be put on different type of plates; so they're harder to stack to bus plates, and the dish pit is more cluttered, and it generally takes longer to deal with, for the cooks and for us and for the dish washer and just in general.

Again -- all little things. But little things that add up, that make everything take longer, that slow down corporate's precious timeframe for table service. And they wonder why our survey scores are slipping? If any of the bastards had ever worked in a restaurant, maybe they'd take all these little things in to account.

Shoot me now.

We're showing the UFC fight tonight, and literally half my section just filled with teenagers ordering water and staying for the fight. The fight that's in three hours.

I also have a sock full of Mountain Dew. FML, seriously.

Good and bad on the uniform front.

In time I've worked for this company, they've changed the uniform an absolutely stupid number of times. And they're changing it yet again this summer! They just changed it last summer. I was hoping they'd revert to last year's uniform: blue jeans and the same black shirts we've worn for a couple of years.

Well, I got half of my wish. We are going back to jeans, which freaking thrills me! But of course they couldn't leave the shirts alone, so now I have to replace my stack of shirts. And naturally they're not going to provide said shirts, so it's going to cost me money to replace them.

And, naturally, they've chosen a shirt that's going to be a massive pain in the ass to find. You wouldn't think a black button-up shirt would be difficult, and maybe if you're a dude it's not. But if you're a woman with tits over a B cup, you're screwed--at least when they specify "fitted" shirts! I already know what's going to happen: any shirt I can find that's fitted enough to satisfy them is going to be so tight in the chest it's going to pop open and show my bra, and then I'll get in trouble for that! Fucking stupid is what it is.

They have loosened up on some things, which is great. For example, the new uniform code states that "one studded nose ring" is acceptable - it doesn't even say it has to be clear or flesh-tone. That will be a relief to half the staff. Also, visible tattoos are okay until they're "offensive". So at least I can strike "long enough sleeves not to show any hint of shoulder tattoo" off the list of characteristics for new shirts.

And then there's random stuff like hair must be a natural shade, and even if it is a natural color highlights have to be natural-looking. Earrings can't be bigger than a quarter -- but it doesn't say anything about length. One ring per hand, but no specification on bracelets or necklaces -- just not "inconsistent with the image we wish to portray". Oh, and no "excessive clips in hair." But my personal favorite is "socks may not show ankle skin". WTF? So holes in the nose and ink in the skin is okay, but ankle skin is illicit?