Monday, July 25, 2011

Oh, you're a fucking wit.

Since my restaurant can't be bothered to print little things like salad dressings, soups of the day, beer on tap, beers in bottle, brands of liquor, or even sides on the menu, the most constant question I'm asked is … well, for a list of any of those. It's the bane of the newer servers, since that's hundreds of things to remember. I don't know all the bottled beers by heart, largely because they change all the time without us fucking being told (I just found out we got Coors in bottle four fucking months ago, I've been telling people no that whole time), but I've got the rest of it down.

I list the salad dressings and sides umpteen times per day, and it never fails. Somebody always thinks they have to be fucking funny.

Customer: “What are your sides?”
Me: “Mashed potato, french fries, herb potatoes, white rice, rife pilaf, cole slaw, broccoli, mixed vegetables, corn, beans, apple sauce, or for an small extra charge soup, salad, onion rings, or baked potato.”
Customer, with a smirk: “What was the fifth one you said?”

I believe it was “fuck you.”

10 comments:

DMT said...

Thats not funny its just smug and cruel

purplegirl said...

Wait, "smug" and "hilarious" aren't the same?!

SkippyMom said...

Oh my. I must be smug. Who knew?

Heehee - I laughed like heck and I would've been thinking the same thing in my head too.

DMT said...

Well smart arse/smug humour on the part of the instigator (not smart arsed retorts, those are killer) is "heh" funny once "eh" funny twice; 500 times later its a akin to the pissed off feeling you get when you whacked your knee off a table that's where I'm coming from. That and the fact that there are plenty of assholes who would pick a random number in a list just to watch you get confused and wrack your brains for their amusement

purplegirl said...

Very true. I spoil their fun though. I always say the shit in the same order so it only takes me a few seconds to answer them, stone-faced. Assholes. :)

SkippyMom, I can't imagine you being smug, you're too sweet! :)

fuckmytable said...

I don't have that problem anymore since I only list out five sides (then point to our "premium" sides on the menu...but at Chili's, that pissed me off, too.

If they asked about the third, seventh, or fourth side, I would just repeat them all back to them. Faster than the first time. Because you're right...fuck them!

lapetitefée said...

The correct answer is "rice pilaf that will be shoved down your pinhole" no?

JoeinVegas said...

too bad you can't say it out loud

SkippyMom said...

OOPS - I thought DMT meant your comment was smug P/G lol - I would never, ever ask what the customer did - or think it was funny. oops.

Sorry about that. eek!

dominwaitrix said...

Ever notice most of those wisecrackin' dumbasses are men? (Sorry guys, but I've made 20+ years of observation on this one :-) On some primitive level, I think it's their way of attempting to show dominance - either to flirt with an attractive waitress (in front of the wife or the guys) or to put a male server "in his place." It's a tired, predictable play, right out of the crank customer handbook that rates right up there will Uncle Bob's "pull my finger" trick. A crass act!