Sunday, August 7, 2011

Prime assholery.

This last week, the restaurant has just been awash in fuckfaces. And it's not just me, all my coworkers are saying the same thing. It's just instance after instance of stupid shit. Mine have mostly been in the form of shitty attitudes and equally shitty tips, but some of my coworkers have had some hilarious bullshit. Here are just a few examples.

AA, for instance, had a table that was giving their kid sips of their sangrias. She didn't say anything to them about that, figuring it was their choice. At the end of the meal they asked her for to-go cups, and she smilingly agreed and said she'd bring them full fresh sodas to-go.

“No!” The woman snapped. “We just want the cups!”
AA thought that was strange, so she covertly watched them …. and sure enough, the woman poured their sangrias into the to-go cups! AA went to get Lapdog right away, and he promptly confiscated the cups and told them that was illegal. Naturally, AA got stiffed.

The next day AA approached a new table and said. “What would you like to drink?”
“What's that supposed to mean?” They snapped at her.

Another server, K, was having a super friendly chat with her table. They'd been bonding over kids; the table had ordered a lot of stuff and had a big tab. She thought for sure she was going to get a big fat tip.

“Where did you get that hair clip? It's adorable!” her customer asked.
K touched her metallic flower clip. “Oh, I got it at Wal-Mart!”
The woman's face darkened and she began to scowl. ”Wal-Mart? You shop at Wal-Mart?”
Taken aback, K just sort of nodded.
“I can't believe you support that evil corporation! I can't believe you give them your money!” The woman slapped her credit card down and shoved it at K with a glare. No tip.

Barbie was serving a table of normal-seeming folks, but when they left, she discovered that instead of a tip, they had left her a note on a beverage napkin. It read: “THE 'MUSIC' WAS TOO LOUD ALSO THE 'MUSIC' IS NOT MUSIC BUT ANNOYING NOISE”.
If you're so bothered by Top 40 music, why the fuck would you go to a ChilirobinTGIlbackabee's kind of place?

Meanwhile, I went to greet what appeared to be a table of five. I was confused at first as to why one person was standing, without a chair to sit on. Thinking the hostesses were just being idiots, I quickly said I'd go get one.

“Oh, no,” the smarmy-looking father said. “We're not eating. We're just waiting here until another table opens.”
I tried, but I don't think I really managed to control my sarcasm. “So … you're just hanging out? Until another table opens?”
“Yes, we'll have five waters. With lemon.”
I looked at the lobby, where people are supposed to wait for a table. Then I looked back at them. Then I walked away because I didn't think I could control myself.

I told Lapdog not to advertise at the Asshole Convention next year.


maxi said...

God this is happening to us this side of the pond too! Maybe it's just the month of august that brings out the wankers?

We can a guy in last night eating his baked salmon or whatever and stopped me to ask for a bit of bread to mop up his plate. We are an italian chain so I started going through our garlic bread, herb bread etc etc. "No," he says "I just want a bit of french bread." Obviously I didn't point out to him that he was in the wrong place for that. So I apologise and give him the option again. "No" he says (again) "I just want a bit of dry french bread to mop up my plate." Sorry dude but I can't help you.

Then asks EVERY other server in the place (who obv give him the same answer, cos surprisingly, I wasn't lying to him) ending in asking the manager. I am pleased to report that she was able to point out the nature of our italian cuisine vis a vis the french bread.

Today I had a lady ask for an iced latte. Sorry but we are a restaurant, not Starbucks. Oh, well then she'll have a grapefruit juice. We have apple or orange. Oh, then she'll have the pineapple juice. APPLE or ORANGE. Oh, she doesn't like those. And why can't be have more juices, we have sooo much wine on our menu but no juice! WE. ARE. AN. ITALIAN. RESTAURANT. Not a fucking french restaurant, not a fucking coffee shop, not a fucking juice bar!

Aaaaaarrrgh! IDIOTS!!! Must be August!

SkippyMom said...

The one response I always hated when I asked "Would you care for something to drink?" was "WE DON'T DRINK!!!!!!"

I was always tempted to respond "The how in the hell do you stay hydrated?"

A drink can be water, juice, tea, soda, liquor - whatthef/ever - my god, I am not assuming anything.

I finally changed my greeting line to "May I get you a soda, tea or coffee today?" Invariably they would screech "NO, SCOTCH." Fine, calm down Bill.

Vicki said...

These are examples of why I sometimes really despise people...I hope you didn't get the shit heads any water with lemon either...

Speaking of water with lemon--has anyone else had the problem of the guests getting water with extra lemons and then adding sugar? We've actually had such a problem with it that we've started charging people for lemons. Not for nothing, but we're a little restaurant and we can't afford these cheap assholes coming in and getting a FREE glass of water that my waitress has to deliver to them, that my dishwasher has to clean and on top of that the free lemon. If anyone knows where I can get the free lemons in Fall River, MA I'll get them and start giving my lemons away again...grrrr...

Just the Messenger said...

The drink thing always amused me, and pissed me off--it always took me a few seconds to calm myself down enough to respond politely. Really? WATER isn't a drink? I told someone one time when they got all offended by my offering them a drink that the water they requested wasn't alcoholic but it was a drink. They just looked at me like I grew two heads. How dare I say that?

Vicki, I used to get that all of them time. Bastards would be making up their own lemonade at the table! "Can you get me more sugar? And some more lemon?" No! You already used up 6 packets of Splenda and a full lemon, you moron! I'm glad you guys charge for the lemon. Suckers don't come cheap.

Anonymous said...

OMG at my corporate crap-hole job, they make us "suggest a specific non-alcoholic beverage and an alcoholic bev", usually my spiel is something like "can I get you an ice tea, lemonade or one of our home made sangrias??". 9 out of 10 times its "water with lemon", or they order a f-ing water THEN ask for a lemon after they just order a water. of course they don't tip on it because it's free. God it takes me the same amount of effort to go to the bar to get an $8 martini as it does for a free water. I think places should charge for waters with lemon! Lemons cost the company money and the servers time in the AM to cut all the damn lemons ect.

Anonymous said...

I had a table of some 30-something trashy mom with her 8 year old son.

ME: "we have ice teas, lemonades and, 3 full pages of wine to choose from and we have Harpoon IPA on draft"
DUMB UPTIGHT TWAT:"I don't know about some parents, but I don't believe in drinking in front of children"


Anonymous said...

Of course you shop at Wal-mart. What does she expect, when you have to deal with douchetards who don't tip (like her!)

Anonymous said...

what does she expect? You to shop at an upscale boutique with the money you're not getting from these people?

Anonymous said...

Just found this blog. Love it. Love this post in particular - especially the last bit with water-pricks taking up one table while stalking down another. It would be nice if everyone could wait tables at least ONCE in their life to shed light on how you should conduct yourself at a restaurant.

I'm a hybrid bartender/server in the Caribbean...we get a lot of cruise ships and because my restaurant offers free WiFi (FML) we end up with a lot of crew from the ships who pile in, crack open their laptops and sit on facebook for hours while sucking on one soda for fuckingEVER. That's not even the most annoying thing - the MOST annoying thing is when one crew member comes in and plants themself at one of our two biggest tables, orders water and PLUGS IN THEIR LAPTOP. Really? You think it's okay to sit your single, water-drinking ass at a table for 8? It's usually a scramble as we all want to be the one to rush over and tell them to unplug and shove their ass to a 2 person hightop table in the corner.

We usually win the battle in the end - especially when we wait for a max amount of laptops to appear before shutting down the WiFi and watching each table get pissed, then finally shut down, pay up and LEAVE so actual tourists can sit down and order our high-priced frozen drinks.

Thanks for letting me rant :)

Island Girl
St. Thomas