This last week, the restaurant has just been awash in fuckfaces. And it's not just me, all my coworkers are saying the same thing. It's just instance after instance of stupid shit. Mine have mostly been in the form of shitty attitudes and equally shitty tips, but some of my coworkers have had some hilarious bullshit. Here are just a few examples.
AA, for instance, had a table that was giving their kid sips of their sangrias. She didn't say anything to them about that, figuring it was their choice. At the end of the meal they asked her for to-go cups, and she smilingly agreed and said she'd bring them full fresh sodas to-go.
“No!” The woman snapped. “We just want the cups!”
AA thought that was strange, so she covertly watched them …. and sure enough, the woman poured their sangrias into the to-go cups! AA went to get Lapdog right away, and he promptly confiscated the cups and told them that was illegal. Naturally, AA got stiffed.
The next day AA approached a new table and said. “What would you like to drink?”
“What's that supposed to mean?” They snapped at her.
Another server, K, was having a super friendly chat with her table. They'd been bonding over kids; the table had ordered a lot of stuff and had a big tab. She thought for sure she was going to get a big fat tip.
“Where did you get that hair clip? It's adorable!” her customer asked.
K touched her metallic flower clip. “Oh, I got it at Wal-Mart!”
The woman's face darkened and she began to scowl. ”Wal-Mart? You shop at Wal-Mart?”
Taken aback, K just sort of nodded.
“I can't believe you support that evil corporation! I can't believe you give them your money!” The woman slapped her credit card down and shoved it at K with a glare. No tip.
Barbie was serving a table of normal-seeming folks, but when they left, she discovered that instead of a tip, they had left her a note on a beverage napkin. It read: “THE 'MUSIC' WAS TOO LOUD ALSO THE 'MUSIC' IS NOT MUSIC BUT ANNOYING NOISE”.
If you're so bothered by Top 40 music, why the fuck would you go to a ChilirobinTGIlbackabee's kind of place?
Meanwhile, I went to greet what appeared to be a table of five. I was confused at first as to why one person was standing, without a chair to sit on. Thinking the hostesses were just being idiots, I quickly said I'd go get one.
“Oh, no,” the smarmy-looking father said. “We're not eating. We're just waiting here until another table opens.”
I tried, but I don't think I really managed to control my sarcasm. “So … you're just hanging out? Until another table opens?”
“Yes, we'll have five waters. With lemon.”
I looked at the lobby, where people are supposed to wait for a table. Then I looked back at them. Then I walked away because I didn't think I could control myself.
I told Lapdog not to advertise at the Asshole Convention next year.