Thursday, May 16, 2013

Just a rant.

(Please feel free to ignore. I've just been fucking deluged lately with these things and I can't rant to anybody I know in person because they act like I'm suggesting we raise Hitler as a zombie and give him a nuclear weapon.)

Everywhere I look, someone around me is getting married, is pregnant, or just popped out a kid. Jesus Christ, I am fucking sick of it. I'm removing people from my Facebook feed who used to be good friends because all they fucking post now is about this shit.

If I see once more pregnant belly picture, I'm going to puke. And the next person who tries to show me an ultrasound is getting punched. Bitch, I don't want to see the inside of your uterus! That shit is creepy! Keep your parasite and your blurry alien picture away from me. And I'm sick of the pictures of your kids doing 'cute' things. I don't want to see your baby's birth-canal squished face every time you post something. Congratulations! You created a drooling, pants-shitting, screaming small person. You made a life! Big fucking deal! It's nothing to be proud of, all you did was get sweaty with somebody and biology did the rest.

And keep the pictures of engagements rings, wedding venues, cakes, and flowery bullshit verses about love and god and the sanctity of marriage out of my fucking face too. Good job, you're going to sign papers that mean when you can't stand that other person any longer, they get half of your shit. Yay! Let's all eat cake and do the chicken dance! I think marriage is stupid - it made sense in times and societies when women weren't allowed or permitted to care for themselves. Now? Seriously? What the hell is the point? When people tell me they're getting married, I have zero reaction. They might as well have said "It's Tuesday!" So then I have to try to fake happy because otherwise people get all goddamn butthurt that rainbows aren't shooting out my ass about it.

And yeah, I'm sure there are more than a few people out there who will read this and think I'm just bitter because I'm single and childless. I get the pitying look from smug married bitches - the same ones who a year later are bitching about his pot smoking or her tv habits. The same ones who have a higher chance of divorce than not. The same ones who later ask me if I want to sleep with them/their wives because they're in an open marriage now (No. No, I'm not kidding.) until wait, we're getting divorced now. And of course people in relationships who aren't married have the same problems - but at least they haven't made a spectacle of themselves and wasted a whole bunch of money throwing an expensive party to celebrate their luuuuuuuuuuv. At least if things go sour there, they don't have to pay two attorneys to separate their lives.

I also get the "you'll change your mind when you meet the right guy!" shit when I say I don't want kids. Right. Because the 'right guy' would make me want to put my body through nine months of hell during which I would be profoundly uncomfortable and sick, and then the pain of childbirth and accompanying destruction of my vagina, then the trashing my (quite nice) breasts with the milk nonsense, and then spending the rest of my life taking care of something else? I think fucking not. Hell no. The right guy would shudder when I asked if he wanted kids and say "Fuck that noise!" Every time yet another woman tells me she's knocked up, I have to fight my urge to say "I'm sorry" or "Why'd you let that happen?" or "There's a procedure for that" because people reallllllllly don't take kindly to that last one .... c'mon, I was joking. Learn to take a joke as easily as you obviously take a dick, preggo.

I always tell my mom that when she was making me she kept all the maternal instinct to herself - she's swimming in it to the point of having raised two sets of my cousins and having adopted two kids now. I have no tolerance for any of that shit. Zero. Zip. Nada. Other short words of negation. In fact, the whole concept kind of sickens me. The idea of a living thing in me, moving and kicking and stuff? Gaaaaaaah. It's goddamn disturbing, is what it is. It's like a chest burster, only instead of killing you, it expects you take care of it forever. If I want something that's going to depend on me for the rest of it's life, I'll get another dog.

I'm just "at that age" where everybody around is "settling down" or what-the-fuck-ever, and it's pissing me off. These are important, life-changing things. I get it. But for god's sake, talk about something else every once in a while! You don't see me forcing everyone around me to listen to Norwegian pop or lecturing them on Tudor England - because I know that what's completely absorbing to me is as boring and possibly as revolting as dry dog vomit to others. There's a world around you, and people around you, who maybe don't want to talk about your wedding invitations anymore. Who maybe would like to have a conversation with you that doesn't involve the words "mucus plug" or "placenta." Who maybe wants to gossip and talk about movies and clothes and dying grandmothers and broken hearts and for god's sake even the weather -- you know, life outside your uterus and/or wedding hall.

(Let the hate roll in, I'm sure.)

Addendum: Well, I'm glad I didn't get any of the "have dare you say such things about the babies!!!1!!!!1" comments like I expected. Most of you got the point, and saw more than the hyperbole and intentionally fucked up humor.

A couple of you ... well, you need to think about the definition of 'rant': "to utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion." A couple of you took the rant portion a little too seriously and didn't pay attention to the point portion. A couple of you need to apply some common sense - do you seriously think that I tell women who have been trying to get pregnant for months that "there's a procedure for that?" Honestly, who would do that?

(Okay, those words have passed my lips once - when Dallas got shitty with me about "You don't have kids? You don't want kids? Why don't you want kids? You better hope you don't get pregnant, what would you do then?" But she wasn't pregnant at the time, and I was talking about myself. Anyway.)

Of course there were kernels of truth. I do think marriage is pointless and ultrasound pictures are creepy as fuck. I do know some people who are going way the hell over the top with this crap and I'm tired of even trying to have a normal conversation with them. But a modicum of thought should tell you that this was not a 100% honest post. Come on now. If I were that unbalanced of an individual, I wouldn't have any friends to have triggered this post in the first place.

I do think it's telling of some very deeply ingrained societal perceptions that someone would believe I need an attitude adjustment because, as a female, I dare to not be all mushy about wedded bliss and bundles of joy. If a man wrote a post complaining about his buddies settling down and being pussy-whipped, what would the reaction be to that? Or what I wrote a post in the same tone, but complaining about people constantly thrusting their religious or political views on me? Nobody would comment then about what it "says about me."

Personally, I think what this post says about me is both delightful and mature - I understand everybody's interests and joys are different, and that friendships are about both parties sharing, not about one person spewing one thing like endless projectile vomit. I respect that and want to be around people who respect it as well.


Joe Sixtop said...


Great post. I'm glad to c you back.
I bet that shit was worse in the restaurant than it is where you work now
Cheers, ________-Joe

Anonymous said...

Dear Purple lady

Before the haters start, please let me say I am so with you - why spend money on a party for everyone else, let's spend it on travel, or books, or a really big TV.

My grandmother: "So you two are celebrating 10 years of shaking up? OK."

No kids, no commitment, no baggage only luggage.

Feel free to lecture on Tudor England - I'd much rather hear about that.

WordChazer said...

Where's that goddamn LIKE button?! Did you just see into my head? I feel like I should have written that post myself. I have a rash of pregnancies/new mums at my workplace too, and it is getting on my last remaining nerve. I'm not so anti the wedding talk, because I dd the same thing 5 years ago and bored everyone with my plans. But babies? That would start World War Three with my parents and my husband if I ever managed to get preggo. I hate adults expecting me to do everything for them, which probably explains why I am a cat lady!

Rock on, that was an awesome post. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I don't even know how I came across this blog, but I'm your latest fan. The whole idea of marriage is a farce. The whole idea of kids is just .. yuk. Ultrasound alien pictures? Yup, keep that shit to yourself or other prego's that give half a shit about your precious little puke machine.

I was in the thick of it a few years ago, like you are now, and let me give you a heads up: the incessant updates and pics of (gag) kids doesn't stop! It just changes from "Oh, how cute, ____'s 1st poop in a diaper" to "Oh, how cute, ____'s 1st poop in the tub, pool, car, kitchen, etc.

If I wasn't in such absolute agreement with you, I'd ask you to marry me. lol. jk. Keep it coming!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you're angry about something. See, I actually feel the same way you do about kids and marriage, but I am still happy for my friends that go that route bc it makes THEM happy. I am for sure not saying you secretly want those things, and are jealous, but you are certainly unhappy about something in your life, and you're choosing these things to lash out at. Not being able to be happy for the people in your life that are happy with their choices, whether you agree with them or not, says something about you. And the thing it says is not flattering. I suggest an attitude adjustment before you lose what few friends you have.

Aunty Pol said...

OH PG , Mah Sistah...

I have missed your postings babe...and I say rant away. You have my e mail addy's still the same and you can rant/e/mail me anytime...I get this shit all the time.. " Why aren't you smiling...because I am mentally ignoring your bullshit.."
.." Oh now don't be like that ...Um...okay...I guess me recognizing your stupid , entitled attitude and chosing not to reward it is not pleasing to you..too bad. You are entitled to get more than a tad irate when you are bombarded with OTHER PEOPLES expectations ....I guess what I am saying is GO FOR IT !!!

You have been missed.


Paulina said...

It gets better. At 47 comments about me being single and without children do not flow in so freely any more. But when I was in my thirties, it was awful: Why aren't you married? You are not ugly...(if nothing else is needed for getting married, give my condolences to married people). Why don't you have kids? In a few years it will be too late and you will be sorry. (No, I am not.)

No problem with people getting married and having children, but could they just stop harassing others for whom this (for different reasons) did not happen.

Anonymous said...

I guess I'm with the other Anonymous...I'm all for not wanting to have kids or get married (it's not really that big of a deal to not want those things in this day and age) but it is a pretty big turn off to be as incredibly hateful and vitriolic about the happiness of your friends as you are. Seriously, what kind of of a friend does that make YOU?

A friend might be bored listening to you talk about Tudor England but they humor you and pretend to be interested and I highly doubt they get as angry as you seem to be about it when it's all over.

When I first started reading this I was a little bothered and was totally one of those people thinking "Oh, you'd change your mind if you had someone you cared that much about and cared that much about you or if you had to care for a life (I've known a few people who felt the exact same way you did but then got pregnant and totally turned around after they had a kid, but I think that's probably the exception, no the rule)" but I realized that ya know, marriage and kids totally aren't for everyone and that's okay but I was still bothered and realized it was because of your God awful attitude.

In all fairness I don't know if this is one of those rants where you say horrible things that you don't really feel all the time but just need to vent and get it off your chest but you're otherwise reasonable about the whole thing or if this is how you feel all the time. I can sympathize with the former because I do that all the time, not so much with the latter because it just doesn't seem healthy to get THAT worked up over something so incredibly stupid, and something that has little, to no, long term effects on your life (hell, it barely has any short term affects if you knew how to cope with it better).

WordChazer said...

No matter whether it's PC or friendly or fair or team spirit etc etc. It is what the author THINKS and that is the point of a personal blog, to put out there feelings about Life as viewed from their standpoint. I happen to agree with the blog. I am anti-kid to the point of sometimes being NASTY to people who insist upon going on about theirs all the time. My choice is NOT to have children. For any number of reasons which I do not intend to enumerate here. I also get the opposite from people who are parents, that I and my (sad and pitiful, is their undertone) life will never be of the slightest bit of interest to them because I haven't had that biological reaction. Their choice. Some of us agree to disagree because we have other things in common. Others go off all huffy or come over pityingly wondering when I'm going to 'see the light'. When I was involved in penpalling I would sometimes see entries in address lists reading 'moms only' and I would steer so clear you could see the burning tire rubber. No point in even trying, sometimes.

JoeinVegas said...

Wait a minute - What's wrong with Norwegian pop?

Little redhead said...

I completely get your rant. Probably doesn't mean you aren't glad your friends are happy, but just that you're sick of them having nothing else to talk about than marriage and babies. I imagine it's what occupying most of their lives, and a passing remark sure, but it's so annoying when people after they settle down turn into a completely different version of themselves. They seem to be incapable of talking about other things than their kids. They should reserve those conversations for people who are interested in the subject. And not shove it in faces of people who could care less. I'm not of your anti marriage and children sentiment, some day maybe I'll take that path, but still, I get where you're coming from. Most of my friends are married now and I seriously miss the silly conversations and the laughs we used to have, now they're all annoyingly 'mature'. We're mid twenties for feck sake. Even the bachelorette parties were dull, not a penis-shaped straw or even alcohol in sight! She wanted it to be 'civil'. Sigh! I need some unmarried friends.

DMT said...

Ha ha ha

I have to agree with you on more than a few points. As for the can-only-split-with-half-your-shit thing, yep that came back to me after I dated a narcissist with a persecution complex. The whole time I was blind to the way she treated me like shit while ranting on about how the everyone and their mother were out to get her. When I finally saw sense it was a simple case of walking away and not answering my phone.

Anonymous said...

Take it from someone that's been married over 25 yrs, Stay Single!!!

ktree said...

Funny that I agree with most of what you said even though I want kids myself. Like, weirdest thing, I have always thought of it as an "in the future" type thing, but a month ago, a co-worker brought her baby up to work and suddenly I WANTED ONE.

That being said, I shouldn't have to work everyone's shifts because they are pregnant or have a baby or a special needs toddler. that was YOUR fucking decision, not mine. Oh, and people who have unprotected sex being suprised that they are pregnant? What the fuck is up with that? No fucking shit you got pregnant.

I loved your rant and thanks for letting me have one too.

Oh, and "learn to take a joke as easily as you obviously take a dick" - I am stealing and using.

Anonymous said...

I rather enjoyed reading this hyperventilating exposition. There are those amongst our acquaintances who don't quite seem to grasp the fact that there are some of us to whom the idea of breeding is faintly ludicrous. It's good to have someone put it into words so well. Nice one.

As a bloke, you should see the slack-jawed, uncomprehending looks when I try and explain to people I've just met for the first time that I have absolutely no interest in sport; only a period of cruel and unrelenting suffering at school has given me even the most basic notion of the different names they give to over-muscled shouty people running around in stupid outfits chasing a doomed spheroid.

I'm not sure about the Norwegian pop though -- some things can be taken too far. There are limits beyond which it is unwise to venture.

Scandinavian 90s electro-industrial though… now we're talking.

Anonymous said...

Im sorry, but I have a 5 month old daughter and I used to think I felt the same as you do. However, I feel much prouder posting photos of the child I brought into this world than my old, embarrassing debaucherous photos of my past. My life as a mother and my daughter have a little bit more purpose than a lot of the other things I see getting posted. And its true, it shouldn't bother you the way it does. Anyone who complains about seeing childrenor ultrasounds? Well thats actually kind of weird. Its a part of life. And precious for those who experience it.

Anonymous said...

Right there with you!