Sunday, February 28, 2010

Assholes, assholes everywhere.

Last night is pretty much a blur; I was upset for a lot of it, aggravated for the rest. Three tables stand out, though.

The first was an older couple. The woman was looking at our lunch special menu, even though it prominently says it's only available until three. One of the options is two mini burgers.

"Well, I want mini burgers, but I don't want two!" she jabbed her finger at the menu.
"The lunch specials are only available until three, but we do have the burgers as a meal of three burgers and fries," I informed her pleasantly.
She, of course, started rolling her eyes and sighing, then told me she needed a minute. Her husband glared at me until I went away. When I returned a couple of minutes later, they both said they were ready to order. I don't even remember what her husband ordered, but I knew she was going to be a pain in the ass as soon as I turned back to her. She was still looking at the lunch menu.
"I really don't want two. (stare)"
Didn't we just cover this? I thought. "Well, we have the regular meal of three--"
"THREE?" She screeched. "Who could eat three!"
I tried to explain to her that they're fucking mini burgers. They're about one and a half inches across. She was having none of it. She started flipping her menu around, slapping her hands on the table, sighing and making those little "ugh!" noises teenage girls are so good at. "Can't I just have one?" She kept demanding. I finally just ordered the bitch a kid's meal and modified the hell out of it. Her husband glared at me the entire time they were eating, and she kept giving me this self-satisfied smirks. Yeah, good for you; you paid four times more than that two ounces of ground beef was worth.

My last table of the evening seemed nice enough. They ordered nice big meals, had a couple of drinks. Nothing went wrong, no waits or mistakes. So it really felt like a punch in the gut when they stiffed me on their $60 check. Took the time to write out "zero" on the credit slip and everything. Bitches.

The biggest asshole, though, was this fiftyish biker-looking dude who came in with his wife and daughters. I got a bad vibe off of them to begin with, I guess just because they wouldn't make eye contact when I spoke to them. I knew he was going to be a problem right away when he cut me off to demand "A margarita. A big one."

Well, that's not exactly specific. So I started to list the various options. He finally waved his hand in my face and said "Yeah, that one." Okay, whatever. His daughters ordered a milkshake and a smoothie, and as his wife was ordering he cut her off. "Don't you have a cheese and chips or something?"

"Yep, we have a spicy queso and chips." I confirmed.
"What's that?" he grunted. It took all my self-control not to say something smart-alecky. I reiterated what, you know, cheese and chips, is and he ordered that and mozzarella sticks. A few minutes later I was pouring drinks for a different table when the carside girl came up to me with a wild look on her face. Apparently this guy had totally bitched her out because his daughter's shake tasted watered down and they needed ranch. So I delivered the ranch and said the replacement drink was on the way. He grunted at me like a caveman. "Can I have a straw and my water?"

I love it when people do that--"my water" or "my ranch" or whatever, like they just own it and have every right to expect it right the fuck now even if that was the first time they asked for "their" water.

Then it was time for their dinner, and it started again. "Don't you have any bread? Don't you have any gravy? Don't you have some A1?" Everything was "fine" or "it's okay" while stabbing his food around on the plate as if dissatisfied. I finally asked CL to check on him, after being grunted at and ordered around and talked to like a dog who couldn't understand him.

When CL asked how everything was, they all started laughing. Everything she asked, the daughters giggled, the wife smirked, and the husband answered with "it's okay" and the like. CL finally asked what could be made better, and was told, "you can get me another margarita."

She verified the type--"A stellar margarita?"
"Well, I don't know if it's stellar, but a margarita."
At that point, CL came back with the same look on her face as the carside girl. "They're all a bunch of assholes!" When I took him his second margarita, which comes in a metal shaker with a separate glass, I started to pour it in to the glass as always.

"Don't do that," he snatched the shaker out of my hand. "I'll just suck it out of there."

One of the hostesses came up to me somewhere in there and asked "What the hell is wrong with the guy at twenty? Their bill ended up being $91.95, and asshole left me the change from a hundred dollar bill. Thanks, asshole.

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    Mama Insomnia said...

    I just want to tell you that your blog makes me giggle. I just went back to serving after my son was born and I forgot how much the general public sucks. Tuesday I got my ass handed to me when our dipshit mgr cut the first server at 6:30 because it was "slow"-Yea dumbass-it's slow because its not dinnertime yet. That left me to wait on 10 tables, many filled with people wanting to try out new drinks that night. I had a girl send back her Martini because "it was all alcohol". Yea, dumbass. That's pretty much what a Martini is. Then I got a .09cent tip off a 67.00 check because the guy thought that our Grey Goose was too expensive. Thanks for stiffing me...I don't make the damn prices. Anyways, keep blogging. I really enjoy your stories!

    Deke said...

    I have decided that the best way to deal with idiots who stiff you for no reason (or under tip horribly) is to peel their name off their credit card slip, google search them, and make their life as miserable as they made mine.

    True story: I worked for a pizza chain a while back (years to be precise) and my last delivery of the night was at midnight (closing) to the fringes of our delivery area. Not only was it late and far away, the people lived on top of a huge hill and it was snowing. Bitch left me $1 on $130 worth of pizza....

    Luckily for her (or unluckily) it was trash day the next morning. I drove by the next day to find her outside cleaning her trash. A simple finger out the window as I left hit the point home.

    purplegirl said...

    Mama, doesn't it just amaze you how STUPID some people are? :)

    Deke, that's hilarious! I've never understood why someone would treat a delivery driver poorly .... for Christ's sake, they literally know where you live!

    dirtydisher said...

    I will never understand why people think they can modify an order until it resembles nothing on the menu. It's ridiculous and it pisses me off. It's such low class behavior. And the worst ones are those assholes who are friends of the owner. I used to wish they'd just die.

    SkippyMom said...

    I hate the huge portions at restaurants - although two sliders and fries I do not consider to be huge - but if I don't want all that is served I don't pitch a fit or demand a smaller portion - I simply only eat what I want and box the rest.

    Unless you are under 10 or over 60 order off the regular menu and pay the price gdamit. It isn't brain surgery.

    And Mama? I spit on the martini be too much alcohol. Uh, what? I would've offered her a gin gimlet and watched her eyes roll on THAT one. LOL

    purplegirl said...

    DirtyDisher, those kinds of people piss me off to no end. The night after I wrote that, a couple came in and ordered our two-person special ... and the women modified her meal until it was something else on the menu entirely!

    SkippyMom, I guess taking a box with them would just be out of the question! I forgot to mention they demanded their senior discount, too!

    ktree said...

    Once this redneck came in and sat at my bar waiting for an order to go. I started to ask "can I get you-" "A beer!" rude as hell, of course. before I could even get out a sentence (you know, to make SURE he wanted coors light, and to know which size draft or in a bottle)he blurted out "a COLD one!" SO I went to the taps with a small mug and got a little bit from every one of the taps. Including Dos XX and shiner. To his credit, he didn't complain, and even asked for another. because it was cold.

    ktree said...

    Oh and mama, I'll bet money that dumb bitch saw the girls on sex and the city drinking martinis and that's why she wanted one. A few months ago we had an overload of hipster douchebags ordering old fashioneds, ala Mad Men. People who order drinks when they have no idea what they even contain never cease tom amaze me.

    Anonymous said...

    I would have said, yes you can have one burger, at the price of two. Viva Europa, where managers allow staff to talk back...