Yep, this job is as devoid of stories of bitchery as I predicted. On one hand ... it's totally awesome. I've been there a month and a half, and I've only been yelled at once. ONCE! In a month and a half! It's kind of shocking when you think about it. I still don't like waking up in the morning -- I fucking hate mornings - but I don't dread going to work.
Of course, the other shoe could still drop at some point. I'm not very happy that they've suddenly decided to limit overtime to only three hours a week - I have to find a second job now because of that. But that's minor compared to not loathing the place!
Anyway, I finally do have a story of a genuine numbskull. We do stuff with credit reports, but we're not a credit bureau. This gentleman called me, all in a hurry, from a bank. He was trying to get a woman approved for a loan right the fuck now, but she had five too many open credit cards. He kept telling me he had five signed letters and asking "how do we make this happen." It took about ten minutes but eventually it turned out that he needed a complete credit report showing these cards were closed. Within a couple of hours.
Anybody who's had to do anything ever with the credit bureaus knows that shit doesn't happen.
I explained that he would have to wait for the banks to tell the credit bureaus that the accounts were closed, which would take a month or more, or use a service that would cost about $500 and would still take significantly longer than a couple of hours. He kept insisting we'd done it before. I said no, there's no way we'd done that before, but we could verify the accounts were closed and provide something to that effect. I thought we'd solved the problem, hooray ... until he mentioned again these "five signed letters" and asked how soon I could get the accounts closed.
I told him I wasn't sure what he meant about signed letters, and he went on a loud rampage about how he'd had this woman come in and sign five letters, and how did he get them to me for me to close the accounts.
"Wait," I said. "These accounts aren't even closed?"
"NO!" he screamed. "Why do you think I'm calling you! I need you to do it!"
"Um." I was actually speechless. "I can't close her accounts for her."
"Why the hell not?"
I had to take a moment to modulate my tone. "Because it's illegal."
"No! No! No it's not! Your company has done it before!"
"No, sir, we have not." I said firmly. "It would be completely illegal for us to do that. We may have verified they were closed, but we did not close them. That is against the law."
"Well this is just a bunch of bullshit! How the fuck am I supposed to get this woman her loan?" He continued ranting and raving and swearing for another five minutes, telling me I was incompetent and my company was really going down the drain, etc. etc.
I had to take my headset off and giggle for several minutes after getting off the phone.